I've Hated Mom all my Life.

by Lost and Confused
(North Hollywood)

The long and short of it is mom and dad did the best they could and failed. They were anxious, depressed, angry and not expecting to have kids.

They always put what they needed before their two children. Every since I could remember I managed their bills, their medical visits, and their transportation. They never once helped me with schools, fiances or my health (I am bipolar). I always felt that my family was the begger family.

Living off the charities of my aunts and uncles and my aunts and uncle never let us forget that.

So, I never felt safe, or well cared or value. Just a burden on eveyone else because my parents couldnt care for us but the consellation prize was my parents loved us? I've given up everything for them. Only to have my mom gamble it away and my father to die on me. He didn't even try to fight for us.

I really do know they love my brother and I. I knlw they TRIED. Rationally, I know and understand all this but I can not forgive them. I hate them. And it is worse now that my mom had a stroke. I can't be in the same room with her. I can't look at her. I couldn't even be around her when she was not sick.

I cook, clean, bathe and try to entertain her but I HATE HER. I'VE HATED HER FOR A LONG TIME. For godsake my ealier memories of her is me punching her in the nose because she said I was an ugly child.

She let her sister verbally and enotionally abuse me for 15 years and did nothibg to to stop it. She even encourged it. And I just can't hide ny hatred for her any more. My family keeps telling me she is my mother. I am asian its our culture. But I don't care. She never did anything good for me. I came back home for my family. My brother and I paid the bills so my mom can gamble. Her sister gave us a home.

Not her or my father. And for all her wrong doings to be swept under the rug because she is my "mother" is not good enough for me or my brother. I am just so lost. We dont have the money to get her good care but we desperately want to walk away because we just can't do it anymore.

I don't want her in a low quality nursing home but I just don"t feel strong enough to bite the bullet for her again. I am tired of weighting the quality of her life aganist mines. I just feel like I can't do it again. All my life I've done it.
Everyday, I wished the worst for her. I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to look at her. I don't want anything to do with her or from her. I just want out.

I am 24, my brother 22. I wanted to be away from my family now. And I there is just to looming feeling that I won't have a future I can't stand it. Please tell me I am not alone and that it gets easier and eventually the hates subsides.

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You need outside help ~
by: Anonymous

I hear your pain. I understand that you need help . Please seek counseling. You need someone outside the immediate family to listen to you and help sort this out.

I believe the public health system has affordable counseling available or a church. You may not even have to pay a dime.

You need a break from this situation. It is not going to benefit you, your brother, or your Mother to continue on like this.
I hope and pray that you are able to step out and find help. Please take a step back and realize that all this will pass. It is not forever.

So sorry that you are dealing with this. Sometimes it is best to let go of the past. It is not easy but you are the one that will finally be free...

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Healing starts with you
by: Anonymous

Dear Lost and Confused. It sounds like you're deeply hurt and have a lot of anger and hatred stored up in you. I can't blame you.

You have been through a lot for someone so young.

Unfortunatley, all that hatred and anger is hurting no one but you. This is a good time for you to start to find a way to help you heal. You are so young and your future is in your hands.

I suggest you find help, through a support group like Al Non, or a Care givers support group. Find a church or even join a bible study group where you will meet mentors that will be able to give you support and advice on how to heal from the hate and bitterness, these are all free.

You have to TRY to stop thinking of all the negative thinking of the past, stop listening to any haters and start working on loving and healing yourself. Another very hard thing that you must try working on is forgiving those who have hurt you, that's actually the first step to healing.

If none of these are good suggestion for you, it might help to see a therapist. Another suggestion is to go to the library or to the book store and look for self help books on healing emotions.
Good Luck to you, and may God Bless you, he has blessed me in more ways than one.

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