It's Been Awful for Me - I feel Trapped, Angry and Resentful.
(Coconut Creek, FL)
My mother's last husband died in 2005 and I was already living with both of them since 1995. Then my Mother became really dependent on me. Then all my free time was "us". She couldn't understand if I wanted to go anywhere - because she just wanted me near her.
She's always been very controlling and dominating - it's her personality - but it was hard and impossible for me to make the transition of not seeing this as her ordinary behavior, but rather of need. So I wanted to run away. Escape. Anything, not be have her "own" me, like she had tried to do all my life. Couldn't see clearly.
So much anger, bitterness and resentment. Also, she's got macular degeneration - legally blind. She's bound so I should be bound also to the home. She hates, hates and hates being alone. So anytime I'd go somewhere, I could never enjoy myself, because the tentacles were too strong. Needed to be with her. Otherwise she's very anxious. Always wanted to cut the umbilical cord. Guess you never can.
As of 2 weeks ago, she's been in a residential home. It's a step down. I feel bad. I know someone is there 24/7. That's what she needs. She hates it. She wants to be back in her apartment. That's where I am. I'd love for her to be back.
We can't afford 24/7 care - it's what she needs. She's 92 and sometimes incontinent. She's also confused and has a difficult time forming sentences. She's even forgotten some of the basics, such as how to wash her hands. I can bring her back with an aide who'll work from 8-12 at night. Then I have the night shift. It's really all on the family members - actually, on the one who's nearest. No other siblings are near.
I am on disability, have severe back problems and work part-time to supplement my income. If I had to be around my Mother and be her aide I'd kill myself. It's just too undesirable for me and too depressing and too scary. I'm not a caregiver, I need someone strong in my life. I don't have that. I'm falling apart. My Mother's in the best place possible right now for her. Jill