It's An Honor

by Pati
(Fl)

I am the one to care for my father for circumstances elucidated elsewhere in this blog site. Although it is a sacrifice at times, a burden or hassle or just stress fully irritating, that is only a very small part of the picture. When I'm a jerk I know it and come back ASAP to repair my fumble. Him, I'm not sure he sees his contributions in that arena but I'm okay with that. He does apologize when he thinks he's misstep.


My father is a good and decent man. He tried very hard to do the right thing by all of his children and our mother, his wife, whom he loved deeply and cared for impeccably in her own declining years.

He was also a good member of community, an incredible productive member overall in society. He was not perfect. I was not a perfect child - (might have been the worst?) But he tried hard to do the best right thing for all involved.

It is an honor to learn from him now, to catch up in what got lost. I am proud to call him the man I know with the most integrity I've ever seen.

Not the only, but certainly among the very best Ive known. Most of his close friends were of the same caliber. (And oh dear God dare I say they were mostly conservative republicans? They loved and cared about this earth, the environment, the future of humankind?)

I consider it a great gift to myself to help him these years. We love each other, we like and respect each other and we work hard to get along. We are imperfect adults.

Loving with as much honesty and integrity as we can muster. I know I'm lucky. Not all caregivers have it so good as I. He is not sick, he is not difficult (well not very anymore lol) he is funny. I don't always get his humor nor he mine. I consider it a joy and honor to be his caregiver. Wouldn't have it any other way. Love, daughter.

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To Everyone
by: Anonymous- KD

None of you are alone, and all of you are wonderful, caring and courageous, human beings.

It takes a brave soul to walk the final earthly days with a parent. It changes us in ways people who can't take the weighted days and nights of being the only person taking care of a mother or father.

Don't forget how special you are.

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I'm Grateful to Have Been There for my Father
by: Anonymous

At the age of 30, I decided to work on my relationship with my father. It was not easy to root through the guilt of actively forgiving Dad and remembering how abusive he was to my four brothers and at times, my mother. For many years I refused to have a relationship with Dad.

I finally realized that I needed to invite my pop back into my life to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with a man. I also noticed how my brothers treated me and I didn't like it.

My father was verbally abusive to me, but was incredibly physically abusive to all of my other family members. My mom more than sure to fix the uneven treatment.

I will never regret the last 12 years I spent with my dad while he was alive and will always be proud to been the main caregiver during his illness. My brothers weren't much help.

One of them finally got involved, but was incredibly difficult to work with. And I won't ever be told that I did a great job by the three men I call brothers.

Maybe they resent the difference in treatment, but I don't ever think the boys tried to approach the man my dad turned into. People can change...forgiveness is work. I'm at peace and hope that the rest of my family can find their own path to peace.

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Thank you
by: Pati

It helps to know someone reads and listened. I think the isolation is the worst of all. I miss my nest egged sisters and it can get lonely.

My Dad is a cool guy but I'm all he's got and that's a heavy load sometimes. Appreciate all support and offer the same to you all.

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Changes
by: Pati

I continue to care for my father and it is still mostly a blessing. However, his short term memory loss is starting to be significant.

I'm concerned about what that will mean when my sisters interact with him and he forgets what they have done or why he made decisions regarding his estate.

He write a letter when he changed his will and is giked with his attorney. but what does that mean if he can't remember it or the content??

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For Dena
by: Anonymous

You are not a failure and don't ever feel that way! You took care of your mom for 10 years and faced your own serious health issues. Who knows why mom doesn't appreciate you, but you are a superwoman in my eyes.

My mom is just existing, she recognizes my voice but I don't think she recognizes me. She has to be fed and diapered, and carried to bed. Fortunately we finally got a live in, I was staying there 2 to 3x a week. I work full time.

I visit 4x a week and stay over on Sundays and pay the bills. And my son has a drug addiction problem which affects every aspect of my life.

Much more heart breaking than mom's situation. I struggle who to give more time to, he has his entire life ahead of him and there is no greater love than that of a parent.

Mom was always there for me. No longer am I angry about the time mom takes or about putting my life on hold. I still have dreams about my future but don't dwell on when they may come true. One day at a time. Just for today.

That's what support groups teach me in dealing with my son. It helps dealing with mom too. And do little things for yourself. Everyday.

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I'm On-Board With You
by: Anonymous

It has taken me time to reply to your entry. I've re-read it several times. Most of the posts are negative and yours was so positive. I knew deep down I agreed with you, but it was hard to type the words at first, until I realized that I, too, have come to this place.

I have come full circle from five years ago. I am so grateful and humbled to have arrived at, not just a point of acceptance, but as you say, a point of honor. My mom is 96 years old.

To be a part of the end of a life that has been so long and full, that has left, along with my Dad, such a legacy of loving children, and grand children and great-grand children, is truly a blessing.

I have healed so many loose ends in my life and have grown so much emotionally and spiritually, I believe I am a different person from when I first arrived. I am grateful and humbled to have been chosen for this journey with my Mom.

As time goes on now, it means more and more to me.
Thank you for saying it so eloquently. You may speak for a lot more than people than you know.

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It's an honor
by: Dena of Oklahoma

You are blessed.
How long have you cared for your father?

I have cared for my mom for 10 years now and today she told me "your not there when I really need you. I feel like an old dirty dog that "has been kicked to the curb."

I started caring for my mom in 2006 and in Sep 2015 I had to move into her home as she declined to needing care through the night.

I still have my home but it sits empty now...While recovering from bilateral mastectomy (breast cancer)last January (with drains still in place) I was up through the night helping her to the bathroom, etc..

Before retiring, I was off work so much to stay in the hospital with her or stay at her house to care for her or go to doctor appointments, that it affected the amount of my retirement pension because I used all my paid sick leave and was on leave with out pay.

To add to this, I also care for my dad who is 93 and starting to suffer from dementia. I had lined out some out of home care for my mom so I could have a break once a week but just as all the paperwork got approved and I got her some portable oxygen and set up a schedule, she told me she would not go.

I pray for you that you and your father will be blessed till his end days.
I really miss my parents and the opportunity to sit and talk or laugh together. Those days are gone.
I feel like such a failure......

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