Is my Elderly Parent from the Exorcist?

by ann4646@hotmail.com
(Los Angeles, California)

Why me? Should not be the question rather wow! It's me! God chose me to bare the burden of caregiver for my 88 year old mother, while my lazy sister suns herself everyday awaiting for the cool summers evening breeze so she may ride into the sunset on her horse while drinking a Pina Colada.

Yes, I'm going to heaven, well, maybe, we'll see. Angry , me? You bet I'm angry!! Since about 5 months ago when my freedom was ripped from my soul, I now know there is a slight possibility I am not going to heaven. All those nice things I thought about myself, compassionate, giving to a fault, etc. Is out the window, adios, it's not happening.

Now I see the real person inside. The one I've been hiding from for the last 50 years and it' not pretty. Could this irritable, bloodsucking screaming person be me? YES!!!!

When I look at my mother I no longer see, well, my mother. I see something from out of the Exorcist. Something that's taking control of me, manipulating me, making me their slave and sucking the life out of me!!!!! Can you relate?

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The Chosen One
by: Anonymous

Have you ever heard of F.O.G.?
Fear, Obligation, Guilt.
Many of us are suffering health problems because we let people who put us on this earth put us through extreme pain.
If parents do not cooperate give them an estate attorney phone number that has social workers on call.
For the thankless siblings who let you do everything for 30 years or more. It is their turn.
Bow out and let the family cooperate.
You can move on in your life. Don't be controlled by F.O.G.
And yes I am a Christian.

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Found out
by: Anonymous

My mother has always made our life hellish, especially at holidays. She would come off her medications and pick and choose what she wanted to take. She’s always seen a psychiatrist and it never seemed to work.

She also thought she was going to live with one of us when the time came. 2 of us said absolutely not. We all work and I’m still going thru cancer treatments that we’ve never told her about. I’m also close to retirement and would like a life after working 2 jobs all my life. So if that sounds selfish, so be it.

She’s truly nuts and we couldn’t stand it. When she spiraled out of control last year i dragged her to her doctors office with her screaming at me and that she was going to get an advocate for herself. I told her we wished the crap she would.

Anyway the doctor listened to her once again and then he asked me what I thought/I said she was manic and he agreed. At that point she popped up
And said she wouldn’t take lithium again. Bingo!

She’s been lying to everyone including her psychiatrist for years and we’ve had to deal with the hell she put us thru. I am not sorry that I have very little feeling for her since she knew what was going on and expected us to be ok with it. She picked and chose what she wanted to tell the doctor and of course they couldn’t treat her properly.

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92 year old mother
by: Anonymous

My 91 year old mother is my responsibility. I am the one who does her shopping, takes her out for field trips, takes her to medical appointments, visits her daily when she is in rehab and hospitals, spends all day in emergency rooms, does all her finances, deals with the arguments between her and her home health aides, at times cleans her house, being her substitute home health aide, while my siblings can barely visit her 12 times a year.

Meanwhile I am the one who is criticized and maligned by all of them including my mother. She favors my brother and sister who can do no wrong. Whatever they do for her is glorified and whatever I do is downplayed.

My brother had the nerve to tell me that I do not do that much for her. My sister had the nerve to tell me that my mother took care of my son at a moments notice when he was a baby. Yes, she did help me out with him when he was a baby and toddler, but I gave her $60k in cash and gifts for her help.

She invested this money and now it is part of her estate and my siblings will benefit. It was very hurtful to see the original distribution of her estate giving the bulk to my sister and brother, and shorting me by over $200,000. She went on medicaid to get home health care, and I was the one who moved all her assets to trusts, of course with little or no thanks from anyone, but at least now the distribution is even.

Now she complains about the home health aides she gets from Medicaid. She cannot get along with any of them because she wants to be the boss and she wants to have everything her way.

I understand that she has given up her former lifestyle and independence and that now she is wheelchair bound, and I realize that this is depressing, but I cannot deal with this much longer. I have been dealing with this for almost 5 years.

I have my own family and job also, but meanwhile I have to do things for her a minimum of 3 days a week. When my siblings visit, they do not have to do anything, just prepare a meal for her and enjoy her company and she is so grateful to them. All my efforts are downplayed completely by everyone.

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Please god help me
by: Anonymous

I am taking care of my elderly parents who are both suffering from dementia, or so I've been told, as they refuse to go to the doctor, they are nasty to me every time I see them, and I do everything for them, while my lazy sister who I think became an attorney just to write their will and get her hands on their $7 million dollars.

She has her name on all their bank accounts but won't take my mom to the food store. I've been doing this everyday non stop for a year. I feel like many of you that my life has been stolen, while my sister pays herself handsomely for dealing with their business and writing a few checks once a month, while they won't even give me $20 for gas after taxing them all over town, bring them to doctor appointments, cooking for them, shopping for them, buying hundreds of dollars worth of groceries that they refuse to pay me back for.

I'm am broke now and broken. I can't do this anymore, I give up, I need to save myself now.

Let my sister the favorite (even my uncle had the nerve to point that out to me recently how my sister was the obvious favorite) " Ooohhh how your fathers eyes light up when your sister walks into the room" even if this were true, which it obviously is.. How cruel to point that out and make me feel worse, but now I will take care of myself, and not feel bad about it.

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Mentally ill mother wants to live with us.
by: Anonymous

Our mom has always been emotionally unstable. She wanted me at 12 years to give her and enema. And would go thru these major mental breakdowns.

She always been very needy to the point I was the adult and took care of the house and cooking.

She's gone to to psychiatrist for years and done the exact opposite of what he told her to do.

And would switch doctors to find a new one that might suit her better. As she hit her retirement she's escalated calling us in the middle of the night to tell us she's constipated and goes thru these incredible rituals. She's even gone to the emergency room because she's constipated.

We cannot do anything for her. And she wants no company but ours and wants to live with one of us. She screams and cries and won't take her medications as prescribed.

Her doctor told us to tell her to take a Xanax but she just gets madder. She has exhausted all of us. And she obsesses over her pills and anything else. We all have to work. Two of us have children, I'm the one that doesn't but I have had cancer and have to work to keep my insurance and pay for treatments.

Plus I no longer have the stamina to even listen to her. She's done this for years and she doesn't even want a caregiver in her home. Just one of us. We can't make that happen. She's truly nuts. The screaming and crying and if one of us stayed with her then she thinks it should be permanent.

She's even driven her sisters crazy. They thought we should do more until she started in on them and they figured it out quickly. We are hoping to get her psychiatrist to evaluate her fur dementia.

She's good at telling him what he wanted to hear but then he's not with her when she pops her gaskets. Especially at night. I'm thinking dementia sun downers. He knows she doesn't do or take her medications as he wants/prescribed.

So we are at the end of our ropes. If she weren't mentally ill we could let her live with us.

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Yep, I relate!
by: Anonymous

I, too, am a Christian, who deeply and dearly loves my mother...and she is driving me bananas! :-D

Mom is also a Christian, and we have a friendship, but all of my life she has sapped the life out of me when it is just she and I. She is now in her mid-90s and I am her only caregiver. Yes, I have siblings (somewhere).

No need to go into detail, looks like most peoples' woes with being a caregiver are the same. Here's how I cope (sometimes!).

I realize that the Lord may very well have put me on the earth for this reason. That helps. I realize that she will not be with me forever, and then, despite all my kvetching, I will miss her (badly).

I realize that, even though I am no spring chicken, myself, I do have a future ahead of me yet, God willing, while mom's days on this earth are winding to a close.

Though I can't get away for a break or vacation (or even a weekend), I try to give myself a break in the evenings after work by joining a friend or colleague for dinner when possible. I take long baths (sometimes...that is also a challenge), read the Word (a lot), cry (hey, it helps!), and plan for the future.

Do I sound like I have it all together? HAH! Fooled ya! :-D But, with the Lord's help and by His grace (He loves both of us deeply), we're gonna get through.

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85 year old mean mother
by: Anonymous

Mom called me begging for me to over back home and help 6 months ago.
I moved 500 miles not knowing how bad it was. 2 sisters in town have given up. Alcoholic brother in town uses her for a flop house and money.

I work and come home to abuse. Last night she physically attacked me

I pray to God to take me if I turn into demon mom. Best of luck to you all

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A rock and a hard place
by: Jane Wo

We have been taking care of my bi-polar mother for 8 years now. My life has never been my own, due to her constant mania and depression reactions.

I have all the power of attorney's in health and financial matters. There are 2 older sisters and an older brother, non of whom can deal with her as she triggers them. I did an ayahuasca retreat a month ago to prepare for the next phase of our exciting life with mom, who is 84 and now demented??? It's a roller coaster.

I have tried to do other things in life, like a magazine and work at various professions, but there I always that "drop everything" and deal with the situation that inevitably happens on a cyclical basis.

Pretty much, have resigned myself to the fact that I chose to come here and deal with her... That she requested help... I feel also that I am not really a human in soul, and that I don't really belong on the planet.

So really hard some days just to continue on... I find myself wishing her to be dead already, but then we would be in dire straights as she helps incredibly with living expenses. My kids are grown and just finishing university which is good but was also very taxing for us, being in the sandwich generation is no perk.

I feel for all of you who have made comments and wish you strength and a resolve to get through, without loosing your nerve and temper... Get sleep, take time for yourself somehow!!!

Accept healthcare!!! Get your loved one on the radar, and don't let them bowl you over. Stand up for yourself and tell them you can't do it on your own. Don't second guess the situation, it will change.

Just because it looks calm right now, doesn't mean all hell won't break loose in two weeks when you think they are okay... Been through too much in the last year to think otherwise.
May the Force of sanity be strong in you!!!

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Reached the End of my Tether
by: Anonymous

My story sounds like that of many of you. Two younger brothers, couldn't be bothered. Was beaten as a child, never loved, praised, told I'm worthy, even though I never did anything to disappoint them.

I have been taking care of my mentally handicapped son all my life, because no home will have him because of his difficult behaviour. They now expect me to look after my 84 year old father who had two strokes and has become almost bedridden, unable to do most things for himself.

I have tried my best for two years to find an old age home that they can afford, but they are not interested. Selfish to the very last. It has caused division in our family, because I refuse to have the rest of my life stolen from me, as my son has finally become more independent and manageable as he got older.

My brother has staged an 'intervention' on Tuesday, so that we have to 'make peace'. Already she tried to call me again tonight, after I have told her many times, please call me during the day, I have health problems and am tired all the time, so I don't have the strength to deal with her at night when all my energy is gone.

I made my husband take the call. I really hate her now, she has stolen my childhood and I will never have peace until the day she dies. My only concern is my dad, who I used to be very close to, that he will die and I will not be allowed to come to his funeral.

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I can relate. Ibid.
by: Anonymous

Going thru this now. Feeling this way exactly but some days are awesome then omg. Gotta be there.

Can't quit. Gotta keep being there for them. Mom and Dad. Siblings excuses (two older brother and a sister. One younger brother)... We work they say...hmmm don't help at all.

One is out of state, my sister works 5 minutes from their house but drives like I do 50 miles to work and me to their house...my sister said all kinds of mean things, etc. she acts like a b@#$%.

My younger brother omg where is he hmm he's on strike from his job. He just comes over and sits and naps. Messed up. I'm bipolar anxiety with clinical depression with nerve damage from Army stint.

I draw disability so it's all on me because hey, I don't work. Its been hell....Good, then switch to bad days.

I'm at war in my own country with my own life battling and going to parents house with my battle armor on. My mom has dementia my dad has the patience of like five seconds sometimes because I know he worries. He's 89. Mom is 83. Middle class adults.

Me, I'm just day to day helping when dad needs me. Elderly care is freaking expensive here in America. Have or have not. That's our society....

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She has Dementia; I've Lost my Mind
by: Anonymous

My understanding and positive energy to all dutiful daughters. My story and situation is weird because I am not a caregiver, but a trustee.

I would like to direct this small section of my life to AUDRA, Honouring our Moms whose post began "Who are these people?" In return Audra, I ask; "What planet are you on?"

Why....because I wish I lived my life there with YOUR mom. It must have been wonderful.....alas, I wouldn't know. Nor do you. You see MY mother began abusing my sister and I the moment we were born. You see, "you must get control of them from the time they are little."

Do not pick them up when they cry, (or ever for I have no memory of ever being held in my parents arms) I remember endless hours in a crib that later was a tiny room I shared with my sister forbidden to leave it. At dinner we sat at the table where we were not permitted to speak...EVER.

I was a stranger to my own voice until college which made high school its own private hell. I prayed to be invisible and kept my head down.

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It's not your Fault
by: Anonymous

To 88 year old anonymous: I have been put in a situation where I lost my condo in a divorce, due to non payment from support from my ex., therefore putting me in a position to take care of my 95 yr. old mother every other day.

I live with her now because of financial reasons(unemployed at present) but she has become a bitter old woman of 95. She is constantly criticizing me, yelling at me, and heaven forbid I get annoyed and raise my tone an octave.

She talks about everyone and everything in a negative manor, as far as to even go and criticize the food I buy "thinking it is too expensive" (I live on burgers and frozen pizza.

They always lash at at the caregivers close to them (their family) it seems. I am told this is part of the aging process by therapists. Hang in there and keep repeating the serenity prayer.

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Thanks to All who have Vented Here.
by: Anonymous

Dear fellow commentators; Thank you for sharing your experiences here, which have made me feel a lot better to know that I am not the only one who feels used by absent siblings who are so frigging lazy that they can only muster enough drive to make one lousy phone call every month just to show how much they really care.

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I Too Understand...
by: Anonymous

...As I am the sole sibling of 3 who cares for my 85 year old mother since my sister lives in AZ and my brother is good-for-nothing.

Good to find this site as I share your frustrations of being made to feel guilty and being manipulated into doing more. My mom dosen't understand that I work full-time and have a life of my own since I am not "married" but living with my life partner for 11 years now.

I have a home and a life that I need to spend time on. My weekends are tied up caring for her needs instead which is exhausting, then she dosen't see why I can't be her social life and do a lot more so I get guilt-tripped when I say NO!

Very stressful, this caregiving stuff. But I see no alternative, no way out of this, my burden and it will get worse as she ages and gets more frail and demented. Thks for letting me vent!

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Thank You!!!
by: Anonymous

I literally just had one of 'those' interactions where I'm left feeling angry and guilty for being angry. My mother is a sweetheart most of the time.

But, when she's not, it's like being in a 'no-win' situation: later she feels really bad for being such a bad mother. So it NEVER works to let her know how I feel. Thank you all for sharing your experiences!

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Parent Makes me Nuts
by: Anonymous

My 86 year old mother has had an evil tongue all her life. She loves to tell me ugly things about me and push my buttons..I recently was told I look like a beached whale..Then she turns around and tries to force hugs on me..

Lest I forget to say this, she has lived with my husband and I for the last 7 1/2 years ..just as my baby son went to college. She pretends to be this sweet little old lady to the outside world, but to me she is just demanding and mean.

She never has been a warm and fuzzy mother ,but now she is like you mentioned ..from the "Exorcist"..Worst of all she knows how to push my buttons to get me upset...I find myself screaming and crying with my stomach in knots.

I just don't understand how a Mother can be so ungrateful and mean to her only child...IT HURTS. And whoever said caring for your parent is a blessing has not had the opportunity of caring for mine..

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We all Have Our Cross to Bear
by: Anonymous

But come on, these people have their lives. Their parents lived into their 60s, not their 90s. Something crazy is happening lately. Healthy bodies, minds disintegrating.

To me it is a no brainer. You need to have your life before it is too late.

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Sick Parents
by: Anonymous

I hear you, in my case its both parents, sometimes I think they enjoy hurting me. They certainly don't care when they do, I'm a total mess because of them and am physically sick.....

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Are You Kidding Me?
by: Anonymous

To "Honoring our Moms"

I'm glad you were able to quit your life as you knew it, to go live with your mother and take care of her. Good for you. Not everyone is as blessed as you. If I did that, I would lose a minimum of half my income, and I would be trapped in a dinky town scraping at minimum wage for the rest of my life in a one horse town.

Sorry, that's not gonna happen.

Count your blessing that your mom isn't verbally abusive, and doesn't have dementia, or Sun-downer's, and is seemingly able to take care of herself.

Please come back to this blog when your mother is calling you every 20 minutes to tell you what happened on The Dr Phil Show, to recount her childhood for the umpteenth time, and to call you names, tell you are a liar (again), insults everything you say and do, refuses to take a shower, refuses to take her medication, and won't go to bed at a normal time.

Not every parent is as 'easy' to take care of as your mother.

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I Need Real Solutions
by: The "Other" Sibling

Please don't assume your sibling(s) lives the life of luxury unless you know that to be fact. Just because you don't see their struggles, doesn't mean they aren't there.

I am the "other" sibling. My sister takes care of our 73 year old mother. She cooks, cleans, does laundry, take her to appointments, makes sure she has her medication, gives baths, etc etc etc... PLUS she is a single mother of a preschooler with a dead beat dad who is never around.

I give my sibling as much credit as I possibly can for doing everything. Her day starts at 5 am and doesn't end until after 10 pm - and that's IF my mother goes to sleep.

I call my mother 4 times a day to make sure she has eaten and to remind her to take her pills. Sounds pretty easy in comparison, right? WRONG!

Every day I spend between 2 and 3 HOURS on the phone with my mother, because when I call, she thinks it's "time to talk" - and this doesn't include the times she calls me in between her pill schedule.

It's not easy having a phone stuck to your head at all hours of the day - when I get up, when I am at the store, (and yes, she calls me at work, on both my breaks, and on my lunch). I am SO sick of talking to her and listening to the same stories of her childhood and mine over and over and over!!!

Please don't misunderstand me, I love my mother, and I know she is bored and just wants to talk, but I need to get this phone away from my head before I end up in the looney bin!

I work a split shift (some days, some nights), and now she is trying to get in the habit of "waking me up" (this I DON'T need!!!!) I yelled at her tonight for calling me a midnight.

The question is - what do we do about parent(s) who call incessantly????

Does ANYONE have any suggestions?

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You Need to Care for Yourself
by: Anonymous

A lot of what everyone has said resonates with me. My dad calls me 15 or more times per day.

There are other siblings but I live the closest.

He and my mom live in an assisted living/skilled nursing parts of a nursing home. They moved there about 4 months ago after living in their own home for 42 years.

My mom has moderate to severe dementia and my dad seems to be going that way too. My sister and I are the family members who are doing all the "work" by paying bills, selling their house, etc.

Here is what I've learned in the last 4 months: you have to care for yourself! That may mean not visiting them as much if they don't live with you, ignoring (even turn off your phone if you have to) incessant phone calls (limit them to 2 per day you actually pick up!), set limits with whatever they are doing. You deserve a life too.

Just because they carried you in their womb or are good people overall doesn't mean you owe them your entire life. Get a book on boundaries or do some soul searching. There are great websites out there such as this one to vent on and learn from! Let go of the need to "prove yourself" to others!

They don't know (yet) what you're going through if they're criticizing you. It's a balancing act. Try to get some help if you can. Approach your siblings and ask them to help in some way. You might be surprised!

I am also the executor of the estate and let me tell you money goes fast! Get the facts before you accuse anyone of taking money. The price of a nursing home or home help doesn't include everything! You'd be surprised!

But also the executor owes it to everyone to keep meticulous accounts. Be grateful you don't have that task, believe me! I've been jumping through hoops the last four months with billing companies, etc. It's a lot more work than it may seem from the outside!

Last thought on my parents: they had a life time to prepare their escape pod (they are 87 and 90) and didn't want to give up their independence (we offered in home care, etc). My dad almost let me mom die (long story) before we could intervene. We even had to call in social services.

Sound familiar? My dad decided not to prepare his pod so now he must suck it up a bit too! We'll both suck it up but not just me! Take care of yourself!

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Mother Never Stops Calling Me
by: Anonymous

My 90-year-old mother never stops calling me. Since my father passed away in March, and although we have a live-in caregiver for my mother that we can't afford (just to keep her happy in her own home), still my mother never stops calling me. Here is the log of today's calls starting in the morning:
8:49
9:26
9:45
9:48
10:56
11:54
12:20
I visited with her from 1:00pm to 4:00pm and then the calls resumed again
4:47
5:13
5:33
5:38
6:17
6:26
6:44
7:47
and I will probably still get a few more calls from her before she goes to bed tonight
Is it me, or does that seem at bit excessive?

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Honouring our Moms
by: Audra

What is it with you all?
I care for my now 94-year-old mother with extreme dementia and sliding mobility at home... her home. I moved 5k's across the country 7 years ago to care for her. Initially I had a 3-week turnaround airfare. I wasn't and had never been close to my mom.

But hey! I've discovered a whole new life that challenges me way more than my apparently significant career in publishing. I've really, really been touched by her love in a way she'd never been able to express in earlier years.

But in the beginning, each of you might consider just one thing: What incredible kindness this mother of mine has shown me by carrying me in her womb for 9 months, enduring sickness, pain and immense discomfort, and perhaps even sexual rejection from her husband [as in my case].
What an extraordinary gift!

And then, even after I was born, she did everything in the realm of her knowledge and power to make me comfortable and set me on the right path.

When you think about it, this is such an extraordinary gift in itself. If things go awry from that point, well, too bad. But it's generally not your mother's "fault".

I am deriving so much pleasure and so many new levels of learning just looking after my Mom... and way more than I'd derive in my apparently important career. Most of you are Moms.

Just think about what it takes to be a Mom. And think about this in view of your own Mom.
And if you can't remember any kindness that she's ever expressed, just think about the extraordinary kindness she gave to you in carrying you in her body for nine long and arduous months.

Is this not enough to make a new beginning?

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I Need to SCREAM!
by: Anonymous

Over the past year, my husband's parents have had one medical issue after the other, and we're all beginning to think toward the eventuality of them requiring full-time assistance..

The BIG issue here is that I am the only family member who "does not work". We chose to do with less so that I could be a stay-at-home mother for our (now grown) children. We have struggled financially-- did with out things, cut corners, etc, and still do.. while his two sisters- who both work- get to have all the nice things-- like new cars, swimming pools, the best of everything.

Cut to the present-- now the parents are beginning to have health issues-- I have MANY people telling me that they are SO thankful that "I don't work and will be able to *help out*". I do NOT intend to be the caregiver.

They are not my parents. I guess I care for them, but just don't feel very connected emotionally to them.. and when I have to spend more than one day with them, I feel like I want to scream at the top of my lungs-- they both have SO many VERY irritating habits that just drive me UP THE WALL!!! My husband understands, because they do the same to him.

The mother-in-law is the worst-- she is one of the most needy people that I have ever known, and LOVES pity-- loves to try to make you feel responsible or guilty... Most people who really know her know that she is a "Drama Queen".

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Much Better Now
by: Anonymous

Things are much better now with my mother. Her doctor prescribed an anti-psychotic - Respirdal. She is like a different person & is actually pleasant to be around.

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Ohhhhh Yes, I can Relate!
by: Jann

My 85 year old mother is also from the exorcist and I take care of her every need as my 2 sisters, who both live in town, go about their merry way and leave it all to me!

One lives 5 minutes from my mom and the other one has never even worked a day in her life. I also thought of myself as a wonderful, God fearing person, but now I see that the good are the ones that suffer, and I'm not taking kindly to it, no, not at all!

I can honestly say that I feel hate all the way to my core, and I've always been nothing but a kind, caring person.
Oh yes, baby, I can relate!!!

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Abusive Mom
by: Anonymous

So glad to be able to hear other people's comments about their experiences. I have been caring for my mom the last 13 years. She is not living with me but I get constant phone calls complaining about everything. Sometimes she is hysterical.

I visit every week, doing whatever she needs, cutting grass, taking her to the doctor, cleaning, etc. She does not appreciate what people do for her and talks about everyone behind their backs, especially me.

The less you come around the more she seems to like you. I am burnt out and don't know how much more I can take.

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Another Frustrated Daughter
by: Anonymous

I just ran across this message board and I no longer feel so frustrated and alone. I am lucky. My 88 yr-old mother does not live with me. She lives in a nursing home where her physical health has improved to the point where she wants to try to advance to assisted living.

However, she does have some memory issues & has been diagnosed with dementia. She has become very verbally abusive towards me to the point where I don't even want to visit her anymore. I have cut my daily visits down to every other day & occasionally every two days.

Yesterday we had a huge argument. She says I am not trustworthy & that I lie to her when I repeat the things she has said to me. She finally took me to my breaking point where I screamed at the top of my lungs, "You are driving me crazy & I can't stand it anymore." My dear husband was present for this spectacle & suggested that I not visit her at all this week in order to keep my sanity. He said she is not in her right mind. However, that does not give her the right to verbally abuse me nor do I feel that I need to subject myself to such abuse.

I have one sibling - a sister that lives 1500 miles away. She is no help & is hiding under a rock since I told her I was going to buy Mom a one-way ticket to her city!!

Thanks for letting me vent.......

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You Guys Have it a lot Harder than Me.
by: Anonymous

I should probably not even be writing in because I really don't have it that bad. My mom can still take care of her own bodily needs and my spouse and I are no longer working. I am her only child and so there was no question as to who she should live with. But she seems to feel that we need to resume her 'mother' role and that somehow everything she says is right because she is my mother!

She is very insistent, and then if anyone says anything she goes into the whole spiel about why God hasn't taken her away to heaven yet, etc. I would love to have a good relationship with her, but we are so different, our interests are so different, we have very little common ground on which to even base a conversation! It's been 2 years and I'm not looking forward to the future.

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Finally Gave Up
by: Anonymous

My sister cared for mother, until she couldn't take the verbal abuse anymore, then my husband and I took her into our home. This lasted 3 years.

It got so bad, that I couldn't leave or come home without being berated, accused, and in general, "blessed out". People have said, "it's not your mother talking, etc.", but I feel it is, as she is so nice to my oldest brother, it's almost sickening. Therefore, I feel she does know, yet cannot control some sort of deep seeded animosity towards me and my sister.

Recently, she mentioned the nursing home, so I got her in. It is a very nice facility, and I know all the people who own/run it. Even though she is getting the best of care, she couldn't help herself from zinging in mean comments to me, so I think I won't go back for a while. I was standing in the background while she told my oldest brother how nice everything was, then when I came in, there went the fireworks.

Why can't she just be nice to me. My sister and I are certainly going to need therapy before we can get through this. Please be good to your children. Vow to be good to them when you are old too. Whether or not they are male or female, don't make any distinctions- just love them and say KIND, LOVING things...especially if they are loving and caring for you!

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SCREAM!
by: Jann

OMG, my elderly is in assisted living and calls me 2 to 3 times a day just to say NOTHING. She has 2 other daughters in town, one who has never even worked a day in her life and refuses to do her part.

Mom calls me all day every day no matter what I've got going on, which is a lot, believe me, and just wants my time! SHE IS DRIVING ME OUT OF MY MIND AND THIS HAS GONE ON FOR 25 LONG YEARS NOW since my dad was killed in a car accident!

I can't take another minute of her driving me crazy and the resentment of her other daughters not dong their part. I think I'll end up in a nut house before this is over with.

My life has been stolen from me, I am in prison.

That is what happens to the caring child, she gets abused for years and years. I truly believe I've lost my mind for good! I'm ready to freakin' leave this world and give up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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SELFISH PARENTS
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I can relate, but why don't you put your Mom in a nursing home?

I know it is easier said than done. My dad lives with me and doesn't want to stay in the hospital either.

He's really selfish and always has been.

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Elder Care Giver - Frustrated too! Wow I guess I found my really family!!!
by: Anonymous

I can?t tell you how many nights I?ve cried myself to sleep asking for God?s forgiveness for my terrible thoughts and sometimes actions.

I was the sole caregiver to my terminally ill father. He had lung cancer in the final stages; my father never learned English, he was a simple man and loving father. He didn?t really understand the severity of his illness which made things extremely complicated and difficult. I did everything a nurse would do for him including holding back my tears and fears all the while listening to criticism from my sister and brother-in-law and absentee Mother. My husband was my only friend and God bless him for what he did for my father and mother.

In the end..I lost my father, my sanity my marriage and $24,000 of income and expenses. It has taken me several years to be able to sleep through the night, get myself together and restart my Investment Banking career. All the while caring for my obese mother, who is now ailing and aging with Diabetes, COPD and CHF in the early stages of Dementia.

I?ve been under appreciated, insulted, criticized and forgotten by all. Yet I?m still here caring for a Mother that resented me from day one who never fails to throw me under the bus whenever my sister and brother-in-law walk in the room; never once does she question their lack of interest in her, their once a month phone calls or once every now and then visits. Mother always compliments their tanned skin, white teeth and pretty clothes, the vacations they always have time for and she understands how busy they are. I guess being a bank teller in a small town and a factory worker along with not caring to take some part in the care of your only living parent ? deserve praise and understanding.

Anyway, I?m still here caring? I guess I?ll see you all in caregiver heaven. ?Let?s hope?.

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88 Year Old Mother
by: Anonymous

I too am the caregiver of my 88 yr. old mother. She lives in my home. I quit my job to care for her. She insists she can take care of herself-can't even bathe herself not to mention her meds and meals. She has made my life a living hell. She is very critical, never satisfied w/anything and constantly makes critical remarks to others referring to me. Very manipulating. She has many medical problems, diabetes, CHF, myasthenia gravis to name the main few.

I have no life and I am the youngest of 3 daughters-my sisters live in AZ & WA and I am in TN. My husband made it possible for me to care for my mother by agreeing I should quit my job.

I am to the point of putting her in a nursing home so I can have my life back. Yes I am very resentful and angry and I wish I could get past this feeling. I'm thinking it will never happen. Any suggestions?

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Is My Elderly Parent from the Exorcist....
by: Caroline

YES,YES, YES. Especially when Mom tells you about the whirlwind lives your siblings are living. The trips, the parties that you are not invited to because there would be no one home to take care of Mom.

You have every right to feel the way you do. That is the one thing that cannot be taken away from us caregivers- OUR FEELINGS. It how we caregivers that matters. At least we are doing it when no one else would. Just thank your lucky stars that your sister on the horse and Pina Colada is not telling you how to take care of your mother as my absentee brothers do.
This has been going on with me since I was 34 years old, I am now 41 and feel as if the prime of my life has passed me by.

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Elder Care - I Can Relate to Your Feelings
by: Anonymous

Yes, I can also relate. The anger, the loss of my life choices. Also, my mother (recipient of my care) is not the nicest person in my life...and never was. She and I had relationship
problems that go way back. I know she won't change so I just stuff my feelings. But her insults and jabs at me still hurt. She adores my sister and brother who visit her once a month or once every three months. The rest of the family believes they do soooo much as the little they do when they are here make a big impression on relatives. My day to day contributions are
ignored and I have been characterized as the
'insignificant' one.

The sad part is that I feel like I have lost a family. Yes, the stress and anger have me wishing they would all disappear from my life. I fantasize about having my life back....without
them. Very sad.

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Yes, Anonymous, I can relate--see my own story on this site
by: Laraine

It never ceases to amaze me how few people are able to put themselves in the shoes of another.

If you wouldn't want to care for an elderly (often extremely difficult and/or crotchety) relative why should any family member want to have you dumped on them when you are the elderly relative needing care?

I certainly wouldn't want to be robbing someone of their lives the way I was robbed of my weekends with my Alzheimer's suffering Mother-In-Law (her daughters looked after her in turn during the week) and of my life when my Father-In-Law dumped himself onto me (when I had to work) instead of one of his non-working daughters, and now one of those daughters when I am 65 and starting to suffer from osteoarthritis and want my cooking chores decreased instead of increased what feels like tenfold.

I wouldn't want to be the cause of the sort of resentment, anger and frustration that I suffer--especially as it could rebound on me. Caregivers (even normally gentle and loving people) can so easily snap and turn on the one who is making their lives a misery--even if the abuse they give is verbal and psychological rather than physical.

Verbal and psychological abuse can have a horrendous effect on the one being abused. Never ever under-estimate it. If anyone here feels they might snap get help immediately. Your doctor is probably the best place to start, but in some cases you might feel a social worker would be better.

Never feel guilty about your resentment and anger. They are normal reactions and EVERY family caregiver suffers from them (don't believe the ones who say they don't). I vent mine in private by kicking and punching the air and swearing under my breath. An added frustration is that I don't know enough sufficiently bad swear words. :-)

I have to do it aloud or it doesn't seem to relieve my feelings, but I certainly don't want my husband or my Sister-In-Law to hear me!

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Elder Care Giver - Frustrated too!
by: Anonymous

Thanks for letting me know there are others who feel the same way I do. You do a great job of expressing it though. Have you ever considered writing? Maybe you will be able to write about it when it is all over.

We will all lose them some day, but it can be pure H_ _ _ trying to help them when their mind and dignity are gone.

My parents are out of money and have to find another nursing home because they have not got enough to stay in this one for 2 years after home sold because not enough left. I think my sister, executor of the estate, may have helped herself to some of it but can not prove a thing because she is "executor of estate".

She has made all the decisions and I disagree with most of them!This can make you hate siblings you used to love!

Hang in there!

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