I'm to Young to Do This.
I have never told anyone my story. I have never wanted to in fear of judgment, but I ran into this site, and I figure well, no one will know who I am, so its safer than venting to someone who knows you face to face. So here I go, doing one of the hardest things, talk about the problems in my life as a caregiver to my mother.
This leads up to something I'm sure. SO if you are reading this, please be patient. I have a lot to say even though I am only 26 years old. I hope this message helps someone. I pray it does some good.
I am the baby of the family. I have a sister who is 14 years older than I and my brother is 13 years older than myself. My mother and father married young. My mother had me when she was in her mid 30's.
I only knew my daddy for 14 years. He died shortly after I turned 14. It was summer, and I had not started high school yet. I can remember even then my mother being sick just about all the time. I wont go into those details. When my dad passed it was just mom and I. My sister and brother both had not lived at home for a long time, and they had there own lives to live. So, after the funeral, and after the shock of his death had seem to calm down my brother and sister were no where to be found. Just me and mom.
I didn't finish high school. I made it to the 11th grade. I had so much trouble dealing with school, and I had no support from home. My mother was so withdrawn. And that was understandable, she had been with my father since she was 15. Married at 16. No joke. He was 26 when they married. I dropped out of school and found my first job. I did have to put up some of a fight to quit school. My mother did have her fears and concerns, and wanted more for me.
But through the tears and the heartache, I found myself out of school, knowing that my dad would be so disappointed in me, I did the only thing I knew to make it up to him. I found my first job.
I worked for a few years, and my mother began getting sick again and again. So as you can already see I have been taking care of her most of my life, even at the point of when my dad died, it was more of me supporting her and caring for her than any support or caring for me. In growing up I just have taken all of that and turned it into strength.
Now, many more years later, I am 26 years old, and live full time with my mother, taking care of her. I had a taste of life outside of this, from age 22-24 when I lived with a man I thought was going to be the love of my life. ( We are friends only now, but talk everyday, he is my support. )
I moved back home because I needed my mother at first. And then it turned into she needed me here. I cant tell you how many hospital stays, and health crisis we have dealt with. She is too young to be this sickly. She does work. But I am here at home, cleaning, cooking, and waiting on her hand and foot, to try and make things easier
on her so she can work. She does nothing here at home. She comes home to warm clean PJ's on her chair arm every night, and a hot meal that I have prepared. I do the running around, grocery shopping, bill paying and have full responsibility of the financial aspects of running our home.
All of that on top of her being sick all the time, and sometimes it getting so bad enough for her to be put into the hospital, I feel so helpless. I have siblings that chose not to help. And that hurts and angers me, because they have had a chance to live and experience. I have lived, and I have experienced, but no where at the level of what I desire deep down.
I am not working. Nor can I find a Job that will allow me to do all of the things here at home, and have the flexibility that I need in case she gets a flair of illnesses. My time is not my own, as many others on here have said.
The only time I find is at night, when she is sound asleep. I write. I stay up and I write all night long if I have to, just to have a little space where I can live, and breath freely. I write poems, and short stories. I don't even know how to get them published, and that is a dream of mine. But I am learning that dreams come at a price.
I don't know what its like to be able to do as I wish. But I am glad that I can say that I have done my best taking care of my mother, and I hope that I am doing a good enough job, and that God is happy with me. Lord knows there are days that I feel my mother isn't happy with me. I feel unappreciated, and like all I do is wrong on occasion. I know she is just angry at how sick she is. And she really shouldn't be working, but I can't find work. And God, I'm scared that if I do, than how do I work, and balance as a full time caregiver?
If only God had not taken my dad so soon, than I know I would have had such a different life. And so would my mother. She would be more happy, and I would have never quit school. I am not sure where I would be, but I'm almost certain that I would living on my own. I do love my mom with all of my heart. And none of this is her fault, or my dads, mine, or Gods. Its just the way the cards fell. And its all about the lessons we all have to learn.
I am only 26 years old. I feel I have lived a life time and yet, on the other side of that coin, I have not even had a chance at life outside of this. I was not ready to chose, and I had no say in this. Its okay that I am here. It's okay that I'm trying. It's okay that my siblings chose not to be here. And it's okay that I get angry and sad sometimes.
I just wish, that I could see the plan that God has for me, and my mother. I wish that I knew where this was going to take me. After all we are all here to experience for God. So, here I am, experiencing, learning, and hoping it has an impact on the greater good.