I'm Tired, Old, Resentful and Sometimes Think my Mom will Outlive Me
I'm 69 years old. My dad lived with me the last 4 years of his horrible disease till his death 3 years ago. All together, I took care of him for almost 9 years before he died, meanwhile my mom was developing Alzheimer's. After my dad passed my mom has continued to live with us. I retired 10 years ago and all I've done is take care of my parents. My dreams of traveling and visiting far away cousins and friends, have not been realized.
My only brother, who never helped with any of this, died almost 7 years ago. I don't have cousins, aunts, or friends nearby. I like writing and last year, against all odds, I managed to self publish a poetry book. I didn't get to enjoy the two book signings I had because there were always issues going on with my mom.
Everything I do has a time limit, depending on the care I have for my mom that day. My son had a bad relationship and is now raising his small boys by himself.
I help him, everyday, by picking up the boys at their school bus stop, helping them with their homework, and feeding them before their babysitter comes in.
I have to time everything just so, because my mom can't be left alone. Next year, when I'm 70 I don't want to be in this predicament but, other than my mom being in a nursing home, I don't see how this will change. I'm so depressed I don't answer phone calls, my husband and I can't go out for a bite together.
We have a timeshare and haven't spent time there, together, for about 6 yrs. I feel very angry and bitter and can't understand why, after working for 45 yrs, I have to be going through this now.
I know that by the time all of this straightens out I'll probably have some incurable disease or Alzheimer's. Sometimes I feel like killing myself but I know that would greatly increase the chances of my son taking his life and it's the main reason why I won't do it.
My husband tells me to take it easy and find ways to entertain myself at home but I'm beyond that, I really hate my life and would welcome going to sleep and never waking up again, which is how my brother died.