I'm Losing my Temper too Frequently and it Makes Me feel Bad
by Sad and Frustrated
My father is now 88 years old. I'm the youngest of his two sons, 41 years old. He's always been stubborn plus compulsive. As he's gotten older, he is more stubborn and compulsive.
He doesn't have dementia or Alzheimer's but he makes the worst decisions. Decisions that actually hurt his environment or himself and he does this on a routine basis. I am so fed up with trying to be patient and trying to explain why what he does is destructive or dangerous, but he often cusses me out and tells me to leave him alone.
Or he scoffs at me and tells me he's going to do as he pleases whether I like it or not. This has been going on for at least 15 years. I start to get angry, and angrier..etc. I've actually gotten physical with him (not hit him) and also return his foul mouthed cussing.
After I fly into a rage, I always feel like (you know what). My patience is gone and he is not going to understand my point of view. I can't see myself putting him in a home. If I did, I could see him dying soon after being moved in.
I know I have to control myself, but with me so saturated with trying to work, live my life and take care of his needs plus put up with his antics...I just lose it. He has shown me that he does not have the ability/desire to listen to me or to stay out of trouble. For instance, he falls easily and even so, he wants to walk out in the neighborhood by himself when I'm at work, sometimes walking far away.
I tried to tell him that he should not go far but he still does. I've gone so far as to put pad locks on all of the gates around the house just to keep him in for his own good. Otherwise, he would take off without telling anyone. And he has fallen a few times before while taking walks. He was lucky that my mother was with him on those occasions.
I just don't know what to do.