I'm Getting Tired.
(Redding, California, USA)
In April, my father died from cancer. I took care of him for several weeks. He and my mother were married for 50 years. Before he died, I was finally at a place where I was happy.
I sold my small house in the country, rented a 2-bedroom townhouse in the city, was 3 miles from work (I love to walk so this was ideal) I was a 45 minute walk from the grocery store, movie theater, restaurant, and the book store. My son joined the Army, my other son joined the Navy and I had enough money to put my daughter through Nursing School. I was finally by myself for the first time in 48 years. I am a single parent and I relish my space.
It's been 7 months now. I’m back in the country. I get up in the morning and I hear about how she did not sleep, how she walked the floor, how her back hurts, how her stomach hurts since they took part of it out. (She had her gallbladder removed). According to the doctor at her last physical, she is fine. At 80 yrs she takes Tylenol & Cholesterol medicine . She tells me "Why did they take dad and not her - she was the oldest. (By 1 year) EVERY MORNING FOR 7 MONTHS THE SAME THING. Then when she gets the paper, I hear about every bad thing that has happened, who was raped, who got killed, the bad economy. EVERY MORNING.
I go to work. She calls me several times a day. (I'm an auditor so this is not good) When I get home, I walk in the door; she starts up about her back, her stomach, and every negative thing. While I cook dinner EVERY NIGHT, she complains about EVERYONE. There is not ONE positive thing she says. She talks through the bathroom door, She opens the door when I'm changing and talks. There is no PRIVACY.
The weekends are the worst. She follows me EVERYWHERE. I no longer walk (which I love), I no longer go to the movies, and She will only watch 3 programs at night. I can't even go to the store without her. I try to do outside work (she lives on 2 acres) and she follows me. I hear about how when she dies, she says "Just put my ashes with your dad’s then throw them in the sewer for all I care". She says this all the time.
My brother is only with her for 2 hours a month, during my workday. I'm with her all the time. I never yell at her, I listen to her, I cook for her, I remind her to take a bath, I remind her to take her medicine, I listen to her when she gets me and my sister mixed up; my brother's mixed up; my kids mixed up. I say nothing when she tells me that she put up the Christmas lights, she put the tree up, and she decorated the tree. Because I was at work and couldn’t. However, my daughter and I put all the Christmas decorations up the previous night while She sat on the couch not wanting to help.
When she cooks (which is rarely) I’ve eaten her beans with sugar and other equally gross food WITHOUT complaining to her. I pay for everything and only ask for $600 from her 1,200 Social Security. I paid the property taxes. I buy the food. I take her out to eat. I make sure the bills are paid. While she gives her money to my nephews and nieces while I’m not there. When I tell her to stop she says, “It’s my money. I can do what I want.”
I closed her bank account because she kept getting overdrawn and there is a lien against it. Several different people are suing her. Credit Cards, Medical Bills, Unpaid Bills. I still deal with the bill collectors on MY phone. The roof leaks, the pump was Jerry rigged by me until I can pay to get it fixed. Things are falling apart. I take care of things.
I say not one word to my mother about anything. I'm always telling her "things happen, I'll fix it NO Problem.” I tell her "I'm sorry to hear about your pain, Is there anything I can do?" OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I miss my life. I want to be able to take a walk early in the morning; I want to be able to go to the movies when I feel like it; I want to be able to quilt in peace, I want my small garden. I miss my home. I receive no help from anyone. I'm tired of being accused of stealing money from her. I'm tired of her telling me that when she dies the house is mine because I’m taking care of her. I DON'T WANT THE HOUSE. I SOLD MINE BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF FIXING THINGS UP. I want my life back. I made the mistake of e-mailing my brother (who lives ¼ mile away) and venting. He promptly brought my mother to his house and gave it to my mother and now she is telling that I hate her, I only want her for her property, I’m a terrible daughter, I’m always stealing from her, on and on and on.
Why do I have to take care of her? When I told her my uncle was touching me - she called me a liar. I was abused by my ex-husband - she told me to deal with it. (I ended up having a miscarriage because I was thrown down the stairs). I became homeless when I left my husband - she told me to stay at a KOA campground in my van. I went through breast cancer - she told me to deal with it. NOW I HAVE TO HELP HER without complaint. I'm about ready to leave and go back to my life. Someone else can take care of her. No one wants to be around her because of her behavior. All I get is “quit complaining, you don’t have any responsibilities, you live near.”
No one helped me when I needed it, but now I’m suppose to “Suck it up” and deal? How do I deal? What do I do? I’m really starting to hate my own mother, when before I just didn’t care one way or another.