I'm Feeling Hateful

by Sharon
(Massachusetts)

My mother has been with me 10 years. I'm 60, she's 91. I'm divorced and my daughter lives in another town. I'm the only daughter out of 4 children and you know how that goes, the daughter always gets stuck with the parent(s).


Mom does quite well for herself, no real health problems. What drives me nuts is her personality. she is a B***H! I never do anything right, I never do enough for her, never has a kind word for me and she will get mad with me at the drop of a hat.

Sometimes I don't even know why she's mad. It's not like we had a fight, she just gives me the cold shoulder and I'm left wondering what I did.

My 3 brothers rarely call or visit. They make an effort during Holidays and her birthday. Big deal.
I'm not proud of this, but I really do hate her and I look forward to the day she dies. She is sucking the life out of me.

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Boston
by: michael

Hi Sharon, you wrote to me about my situation here also. Mine so similar to yours. My mother treats me like she hates me. When anyone stops by it's oh Thank you for like 5 minutes definitely came to realize.

I'm just gonna leave they don't need me here done with mental games being treated bad anyway. You should do the same and let your siblings step forward but they will cowardly throw her somewhere or charge her to live with them.

People like you and me are the best and get the worst just put the brakes on do it. Let them iron it out or get a full time live in with her and go it's not your job anymore.

Let a new chapter begin bless Michael

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Appreciated your support
by: Anonymous

Thanks everyone for your helpful comments and advice.
I do try to put myself first but as usual I am overcome with guilt, she sure knows how to dish it out. I've just never been good enough for her. I hope God rids me of this burden soon.

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Feeling your pain
by: Anonymous

I took care of my Mother for 3 years. From the time she was 88 until she was 91. I could never figure out why she would be mad at me. Giving me dirty looks when I had really done nothing.

Then we got her a MRI and got the diagnosis that her brain was shrinking. Made a little more sense then. I kept trying to get my Mom to be like she was but there was no way to do that because her brain was different.

So now she is in an assisted living facility and she is also a b_ _ h but not so much to me anymore. Her brain is more like a 5 or 6 year old and she only thinks of her immediate needs, there is no thought or empathy for other people anymore.

During the end of my stay with my Mom I developed a very thick skin and would not even listen to her complaining. You are not alone, there are many others dealing with this same problem. We are really living way too long and it terrifies me that I will do this to my own children.

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It's About You
by: Anonymous

i agree with the other comment. I went through the same feelings. If you keep focusing on your mom, it's only going to get worse. Focus on you. Believe it or not, this is about you.

You're giving your mom all your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It's no wonder that your mom is dominating your every moment. Put mom second and you first. You will find that you still take care of mom just fine, but by mentally putting yourself first, you will come first, and you'll be in a better place to do for mom.

Even her bitching will roll off your back when you believe you come first. Sounds selfish, but it actually is the survival mechanism for caregiving. And at some point you may come to not resent everything so much which will make you more at peace because right now you are the only one suffering through all this.

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Hatred
by: Bonnie

There are lots of us who understand what you are feeling. Taking care of my 93 year old mother drains me at times, but after 16 months of trying to deal with the frustration I did something that made all the difference in the world and it had nothing to do with my mother.

It had to do with ME making up my mind to take care of myself so I would feel better about ME. I kinda had no choice, since I'd developed COPD and needed to attend a pulmonary rehab for 3 months (twice a week, 50 miles away). What occurred ended up reinforcing my own sense of self.

I was surrounded with others who have the same health issues I do. Besides the health advantages of going to the rehab, I discovered an even greater sense of peace and tolerance within myself.

I am convinced it was because I finally told my siblings "I am going to focus on MY health and needs, so I need you to step in and help take care of her when I'm gone." I didn't give them a choice. I didn't tell them how to figure it out. Fortunately for me, they did just that, for which I'll always be grateful.

Not all caregivers have siblings willing to pick up the slack though and its really heartbreaking because you feel so alone.

But if your siblings won't step up to the plate, find others who will - thru a church, senior citizen center, mental health department, or thru friends.

Even talk to your mother's doctor and express your frustration because the medical community now knows, fortunately, that caregivers burn out and when they do, the person they're caring for suffers as well, so they make more efforts today to care almost more about the caregiver than the helpless person.

Be good to yourself. Take breaks. Have a "date" with yourself one day a week and go out and do whatever the heck you feel like doing. Expand your circle of friends. Nobody can do that for you but yourself.

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