I'm at the End

by Me
(NY)

My mom came to live with us a few months ago and now I just want her to go away. She tries to exert control over my home.

I have no privacy.

My sister and brother in law (BTW-she has Power of Attorney) were supposed to help but they reneged. It's killing my family.

A month after she got here she bit me - then told everyone I was coming at her...(I was on another phone call) I've asked my sister for help many times but nothing. We're spilling out of my apartment, I've been on a pullout couch for months now - mom has my room.

I have nowhere to go to collect my thoughts, no privacy. She makes my family and I look like fools - we tell people she's not doing great, no appetite, fast fading memory etc., but when we go out to dinner - she becomes clear and fine with conversation.

When she's home she's afraid all the time, can't do basic things, opens doors, walks in on people etc., tries to order booze at least twice a week.

We have done everything in our power to not let that happen. Last week she fell - now what? She doesn't want to do anything except go out for dinner and drinks, otherwise she does nothing.

I try to have her watch a movie with me in the living room but inevitably she gets bored and goes back to her bedroom. I've encouraged her to call a senior center in town, to call some relatives her age - nothing.

I get her coffee and pastries each day - she only wants sweets now. She can't smell anything anymore and everything has to be removed from the fridge - in case it's gone bad and she can't smell it - we had a few close calls with that so the fridge is emptied every other day.

She's giving her bank account numbers out wantonly- trying to set up auto payments. I need this to end but I'm consumed with guilt. She was an okay mom with me but I was treated like the afterthought I obviously was.

This is infecting my family now- I resent my mother unbelievably and I'm at the end of my rope...

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Now what......
by: Anonymous

@ Hard Decision- maybe 6 monthss isn't a long time for you. I'm glad for you. I'm glad you're stronger than I am. My family won't help as I've stated in previous posts. Now here's the next thing:

I've dropped her off at my sisters today- how do i prevent my sister from bringing her back? I live in NY and a cop told me I can't just tell my mom she can't come back here to live.

Since when is it NYS law your parents must live with you? My family and I can't do this anymore- she was invited by my sister so we didn't just drop her off.

Things in my house are also breaking and in desperate need of repair- washing machine, car, roof- and not in that order but we're also in a rental...I've gotten stronger and feel less guilty now. So I'm comfortable with decision I've made. I can't have her back until we at least get a bigger place but that could take awhile. So how do I prevent my mom from returning?

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Decisions
by: Lil

Life is full of so many decisions. Wow, hard to say. If your sister has POA, was she living with her prior to coming to your house?

If your sister has time and more room then it sounds more reasonable for her to care for your Mom full-time and you do the occasional weekends each month to give her a break. Either way, both need to help each other.

Hope you have an answer soon. Keep us posted. Just remember that this is only temporary and won't last forever - although it can sure feel like it at times.

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DO IT!
by: Anonymous

Don't look a gift horse in its mouth - do exactly what you mentioned and don't look back. Save yourself and your family. I can only WISH I had such an opportunity.

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Hard Decision
by: Anonymous

I have been caring for my loved one for almost 5 years now without any respite care. 6 months is not long in my opinion.

But if your sister has POA - maybe you should ask her for a family meeting. Discuss this with her openly. If she feels the same as you, then I believe you both should look into another alternative.

Maybe you could take turns keeping her. Or one have her during the week, and one on the weekends. It should be discussed openly in my opinion.

My LO's Doc once suggested I pack her bag and just show up at one of my siblings door and say, Hi, I am going out of town and Mom is going to stay with you while I am gone. See ya when I get back.

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I have a question....
by: Me

Ok- I'm reading all of your comments and advice and they are all great. By the way, my family and I are also making sure we treat her well and to make every effort to include her but she doesn't have much of a desire to do much at all.

I can see how people might "worry" that she's feeling resentment or anger from me but I am always trying to engage her in some way. If she doesn't want it- I simply let it go.

I am pleasant, get her coffee and pastries everyday, We watch Jeopardy! together every night and I avoid arguing with her as much as possible. I have sort of thrown up my hands because I DO know when it's HER not making the effort or when she's "not herself."

I should let everyone know that for awhile now, people have been telling me to" get your mom to your sisters house, if she has POA and simply drop her off there."

Had and still do have a hard time with that one- like she's a UPS package or something and friends I know that are nurses, lawyers, etc., that ave been through this- all say the same thing: "if you don't do this you will never get your life back and you have a daughter to think of...".

I seriously don't think she should be back here. Even now -it's really not a question of wanting to bring her here- although honestly i don't it's now even more about her quality of life.

Medically it's no longer feasible. She fell after getting light headed last week- my daughter happened to be home. I was not. She was okay thankfully but it made us take a look at this situation once again-

So, since my sister has decided to have my mom there for a FEW days- this is my dilemma- Now that mom is voluntarily going to my sisters- is it wrong for my family and I to say: "this isn't working anymore, you have POA, you have the room, you have the time, you don't have to work anymore - you need to have her stay with you or make other arrangements.

We've been doing this for 6 months without any help from you that we've desperately needed. Things have to change for me and my family now. We've cancelled trips, postponed interviews, we need our lives back. You can't bring her back here"

Is this bad?? We're not trying to fool her or anything. Up and until the time she fell it WAS just a visit. Any and all comments appreciated.

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First Step
by: Anonymous

Okay, you must take the first step. You have stated how much you and your family are so miserable. So, if your Mom is going to suffer as she probably can't help but feel "unwelcome" and all the "Resentment" in the air.

I am glad to hear that your sister is stepping up to take her for a few days. Have you tried talking to a counselor? There are places that offer free services. Talk to her Doctor. He or She has resources as this is an issue many families are facing.

If you don't want to keep her there, then don't. I pray that you do reach out for help in your community because there is no way you can do this on your own. You sound as if you are at your breaking point.

I believe we are all created by God. I also believe that He understands when No one else does, as He is Omniscient ( All - Knowing, All-Wise, and All- Seeing. 1 Peter 5:7 says, "Cast all your cares on Him, For he Cares for you"...and I know He does.

Without my faith and prayer, I would be in an asylum by now. I don't know you but He does. I am praying for you. And I am praying for your Mom. I am praying for your family. It is a hard situation but with God All things are Possible.

Keep faith and if you don't have any, just the size of a mustard seed is all that is required anyway. You are loved and You are not alone. Please don't give up. And try to take one day at a time...

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The Conflict of It All
by: Anonymous

I appreciate all the different comments I've been reading on this particular woman's post, but what people don't always stop and think about is the internal conflict that caregivers deal with 24/7.

My husband died 2 and a half years ago. I loved him dearly but when dementia started invading his mind, it was very sad and, yet, maddening to me.

I loved him so much, but there were moments when I wondered why I even loved him any more. He did the same thing as Question's mother - he was mean, bitter and sarcastic to me at home, as if he hated me and wanted to prove it.

Then he was a real angel in front of others. I, too, knew people would see him and wonder WHY I'd been complaining about him because he was perfectly normal in front of them.

Only someone who's been there can understand how painful and frustrating that is. I have always been a humanitarian with deep compassion for those who are ailing, even animals.

Still, this kind of situation can eat through every fiber of your beliefs and cause horrific conflicts inside of you. Prayers were probably the ONLY thing that helped me keep from hurting or abandoning my husband, but they did not change what was going wrong with him.

I was stuck with that and it was horrible because the conflict between love and hate became all too vivid and there was no place to direct the blame; I just had to suck it up. Is it any wonder I felt a certain relief when he died?

It was a false sense of relief, though, and several months later I did begin grieving deeply. To this day I struggle with the guilt of having such conflicted feelings.

Now with my mother living with me, I feel those same kinds of feelings - bitterness, resentment vs love and adoration. This time, though, I reached out for help - I started taking care of MY health and mental well being first and foremost.

This means I'm gone from home 2 days a week. I didn't "ask" other people in my family to help, I simply "told" them I would be gone during those days, so THEY needed to figured out how to take care of our mother. They did! It worked out great and now they understand why, on some days, I feel so exhausted from being her caregiver.

That didn't solve the entire problem of having my privacy invaded (when my mother moved in) or all the other allowances I've had to make on account of her being here, but it forced me to put my own well being first in spite of her presence.

So my advice is that YOU reach out for help. Insist on help or other solutions. Nobody can do that but you.

Start with recognizing that guilt is a natural part of the situation you're in - no matter what you do or don't do, you're going to feel it. Like my therapist told me "make friends with the guilt, say hello to it, say hello guilt, I know you're there, now leave me alone for awhile" and move on.

The amount of people caring for their parents today is a bigger reality than at any other time in history.

Because of that, the medical community has learned that the caregiver's well being is often more important than anything else. They KNOW to help you, the caregiver, find solutions. So don't hesitate reaching out, okay?

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This is the reality
by: me

As I staed earlier- this is not about forgiveness.
I do NOT blame my mother at all for being sick/elderly etc; and she is NOT in any danger while she is in my care, of anything.

These feelings are very real, very present and from what I hear, also very normal. I know I need to act soon but the problem is I have no POA at all. Since she is deliberately not taking vitamins- that's all she has to take - and won't - I've thrown my hands up in the air.

This has become a wall I've been banging my head against for months now. My sister is going to take her for a few days and she's not even coming to get my mom but making my mom take a car service from my LI home to her home in Queens.

I have done EVERYTHING in my power to put a positive spin on this but I'm fresh out of positivity. The hardest part now is not being able just to hang with just my family. A simple dinner with my family? Nope not anymore.

The discussion of food is now such a lengthy one -we don't care what we eat anymore. I'm tired and so is my family. I'm not religious at all, I wasn't raised that way so again, this has not been a "blessing" for me and my family.

I don't feel lucky, blessed, etc., I feel trapped. Does my mom know about these feelings?

I'm sure to some extent she does it can't be helped - 4 people living in a small 3 bedroom walk-up- it can't be avoided just like her obvious disapproval shows in the decisions I make etc., I'll even go one further now- NOBODY AT THIS HOUSE FEELS BLESSED- NOBODY

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Prayers and Concerns
by: Anonymous

I have read your recent post and I want to offer prayers for your Mother and for you. It sounds like you have already decided in your mind that you cannot and do not wish to continue caring for your Mother.

I do know that one day we will all face getting older, or sick and we certainly cannot help it if we develop dementia and are losing brain cells. It is wrong to expect a parent to reason and behave in a more acceptable way when they cannot!

I suggest you call her Doctor, and tell the nurse everything you have written here. She will let her Dr know and I am sure the Dr will assist you in placing her in a Nursing Facility.

Do not put it off. Because your Mother is in danger of staying there with the feelings you have. You are crying out for help and I am praying for your Mother with all of my heart. I know what it is to suffer with illness and when you cannot control what it is doing to you.

I pray that God will give your Mother a place where she can go to find the peace and care she deserves before she departs this world. Please do not put this off. Seek help today!!!

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It's Not About Forgiveness....
by: Question

First of all this is not about forgiveness.I know the fact that my mother says and does things that she does now half of the reason is because she's sick. I can deal with that.

It's infected my family for a while now she is getting worse and there doesn't seem to be a solution in sight. I'm also glad I'm not the only one who feels like a fool when she perks herself up for social situations but then continues the pity party that she's at home.

Also, after reading quite a few stories on here I also realized that I am NOT "blessed to have her with me" or "count it as a blessing" to spend these years with her. I am at a point right now where I realized that I have to be the best person I can possibly be for my family as well as for myself.

And I cannot do that under the circumstances. I'm not eating right, constant tension headaches,I'm not in a healthy frame of mind, I'm not in a healthy way physically either so I'm trying to get back to being healthy and to cultivating better habits in all aspects of my life.

I'm not able to do this with her here and let's face it I'm not helping my mother either feeling this way. I'm tired. Bone weary tired.

This website is invaluable if it had not been for these posts I would not have been able to do a 180 degree turn that I've so far managed.

Everyone keep posting and shed the guilt. YOU'LL ALL BE OK. Peace & love to you all. Xoxo

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Question
by: Anonymous

What is your Mom's diagnosis? I really think it would be good to work things out before it's too late. Even though she is verbally abusive, she is sick and there are lots of reasons for patients being grumpy.

If you are determined you cannot forgive her and take care of her until she passes then you should probably go ahead and find another alternative.

I do know that it takes patience and long suffering, kind of like our parents did caring for us as infants, potty training, and the terrible teens. We sometimes forget they have made sacrifices for us as well.

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A Few Thoughts
by: Anonymous

First of all, I want to say that while your Mother In Law is showing all of the symptoms at home and not when you are out, is quite normal.

My Mother has been the same way - but more so in the moderate stages. She is now in the latter stage. WE too felt like fools, often thinking some may have thought us liars. She would seem to "snap out of it" in social settings.

I was told by her Doctor that dementia patients try to cover it up - when they are in the beginning to moderate stages, when around people they don't see all the time.

As for the rest of your situation - I am not sure you can handle this. It takes a lot of determination, compassion, and breaks. Are you able to get any breaks at all?

Please call hospice and ask for someone to come out to do an assessment. They have a program that will help you, the caregiver. Seek help. If this isn't going to work out, is there any way to have her placed in an assisted living facility?

Does she have coverage? We don't and cannot afford out of pocket expense of it. Plus we have no family willing to even take Mom for one weekend a month. It is sad when family members do not do their part. It is also very unfair. Boy would they change their tune if they had full time care.

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I'm sorry for your pain
by: Anonymous

My mother too is a master manipulator, nothing is good enough for her. She puts me down and my husband saying I'm fat and he doesn't want to work. I may have gained weight but my husband is not a bum he is a hard worked.

As soon as I get to my mothers I want to get out of there so fast. She asked me recently why I don't come to visit her she is going to die soon. I told her why would I like to come visit you when all you do is complain and put me down.

Now I go to visits her every several months with my brother is there. She doesn't put me down in front of my brother.

This week I went to Sam's club and picked up some apple turnovers. She of course said they probably aren't good enough for her. She managed to scarf down two of them before saying that these are terrible.

I think my mother enjoys being difficult, she didn't even care when it go so bad on me I though I had a heart attack.

I'm sorry for your troubles. You should move her out as soon as you can.

I will never let my mother move in with us.

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To: I'm at My End
by: Anonymous

Its no wonder you're at your end. Go to the Mental Health Department and talk to them. Some of them have people who work with these situations so that a solution can be found before someone hurts the other person.

Forget your brother, sister, mother and even your guilt - just go find help.

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Help Yourself!
by: Anonymous

Dear ME,

You need help Now!

Guilt will be with you either way (whether you are a completely co dependent caregiver or whether you find a place for your mom to live with help from others). I understand your feelings of fear and overwhelm!

Save yourself and your family by doing the footwork to get another living situation for your mom.

In my experience, no matter what we did or how caring and thoughtful of others we were, my brother and I did not do anything right in the eyes of our siblings (who did little to nothing).

There came a time when I had to decide that anger and/or expectations from me at my siblings had to go or I would fall apart. Also, I had to accept that guilt is just part of this journey. I would feel guilt, look at it, acknowledge it and keep going.

With great love, I thought mom would live with me and my husband but the reality was that I could not do it. Once we moved mom to an assisted living home, I could be her daughter again and not simply her 'caregiver'. There is still plenty to do for her once she is in assisted living.

Please, let us all know how it goes. It will be rough at first I'm guessin' but then you will look back and realize you made healthy decisions for all.

Thinking of you,
m in Santa Rosa CA

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