I Wish I Could have Something in Life

by AJ

I am 43 years old. My sister and stepbrother I have not seen or talked to in years. Mom and Dad are both in terrible shape. It's as though they don't seem to recall that they were the ones who disowned my other siblings.

I am the only one who hasn't abandoned ship. Mom is 74 and she has colon and bladder cancer that has spread and is on multiple medications. The doctor keeps telling me that she is terminally ill and has less than 6 months but she keeps surviving.

She is currently in a nursing facility but her covered days through her secondary insurance will run out sometime in November this year and she will have to come back home because I can't afford to keep her there.

The nursing facility says that they can throw her out before her time is up there if she quits trying to participate in eating and exercise. She has almost gotten to that point now so she could be sent home any day. Dad is 76. He has been stubborn and angry and selfish for as long as I can remember.

He has dementia and weighs about 80 pounds guessing. He has a walker and he eats but he is losing weight rapidly and is so weak he can't stand or walk very long before he gives out.

I have to wait on him for everything hand and foot and I have been doing so for over a year now by myself
because even when Mom was here at home I had to wait on her too because they just take me for granted.

I am finally at the point where I no longer want to go visit Mom and I hate Dad. I stay so tired and a bit depressed that some days I feel like going somewhere and jumping off of a cliff myself.. it's getting to be too much.

I think I resent them for not planning anything out when they got old or ill. Dad refuses outside help and I keep wishing he would fall or have another TIA just so that the ambulance would have to come get him and take him away from here.

He desperately needs help and they say they can't just treat him for weakness.. it isn't a reason to keep him in a hospital for awhile. I know I think a lot of mean thoughts but if anything were to happen to me,I would be in a world of hurt because Dad would not be able to help me.. I would just lay on the floor until I died. He always expects too much of me no matter how bad I feel or if I am injured in some way.. he expects those meals to be cooked everyday or he hates me for not doing it.

I wish something would give everyday of my life. My happiness has turned to nothing.. I just want to leave him here far far behind and never come back.

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Hang in there
by: Anonymous

Hi AJ it seems to land on many of us that we our the chosen caregiver.

My Dad is in a rest home now but I still try to help with a meal ever day and get no support from siblings, I understand your grief Take Care

Update since the last post
by: AJ

Here it is Christmas Eve..3 months today Mom passed away. I have been overly busy taking care of Dad alone now for 6 months by myself. I was finally able to get hospice for him just a few days ago and then 2 days later I had to stop having hospice because neither one of them...my Dad or hospice seemed to be working together.

I was sent an RN who didn't even know how to take a blood sugar and who said his blood pressure was good. Yet I have taken his blood pressure and it was very low. He has a lot of health issues going on and the only health problem they were willing to treat through hospice was his dementia.

I had previously informed them of his problems and Dad refuses to take any kind of medicine and there were a few more things that were not working out but now hospice is no longer the answer.

The next step is to just wait and see what is going to happen with him. He has been on a sugar spree eating lots of it for almost a month now. I am continuously cleaning after him for just about everything. I am drained and I never get enough sleep.

I am angry and sometimes I just go off in a rage because this has gotten real ridiculous and I have to wonder how does somebody so sick and frail and sleeps all the time when he isn't eating sugary stuff keeps on going.

So this is Christmas and I have heard from nobody.. no friend or nothing.I didn't get any gifts this year or even a Christmas card. Christmas isn't Merry.. it is Misery! All I want for Christmas is to have a happier peaceful life!

Mom is gone..now Dad is really taking a toll on me
by: AJ

I wanted to update because I just about completely forgot about this post I made. Mom passed away end of September.

It has been a nightmare taking care of Dad in this same house by myself for 6 months now. Here it is Christmas.. I don't have a Christmas. Just misery. I finally got help for Dad.

I had hospice for a couple of days and he seemed happy about it and then he was told that they would be giving him medicine for his dementia and he refused to take medicine. He also has several other health problems going on but they were only going to treat the dementia.

They wanted to fill this house full of medical equipment too and the room isn't here for all of that plus that's even more stuff to deal with. So basically.. Hospice is out of the question because Dad doesn't want them or their equipment here either.

I am constantly cleaning up behind him. Just one thing after the next. He is sitting here in another world.. Doesn't care..none of it is his problem.. All he does is eat lots of sugary stuff.. Keeps me awake day and night..sleeps all the time and all I do is stay angry because he went let me get help and I feel like I own a pet.

I have to clean up after all the time.. 24/7. Only choice I have now is hoping one of his health issues becomes soon to the point where I can call an ambulance to come get him because he seriously needs to be checked out because I believe he has serious problems..I'm just waiting for something to give.

Unfortunately, this is where tough love falls into place and things are going to get very bad and there is no way to avoid the harshness that lies ahead because after all I already tried and he no longer listens..

So he will have to listen to someone else and by then it will be too late.

Stress and Pain
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry.

I wish
by: Anonymous

You got me babe. I live miles away, you'll never meet me, I couldn't help if I wanted but I care. I wish I could. But I'm right there with you in terms of the relentless pain and effort you are struggling with.

I care.

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