I Wish I Could have Something in Life
I am 43 years old. My sister and stepbrother I have not seen or talked to in years. Mom and Dad are both in terrible shape. It's as though they don't seem to recall that they were the ones who disowned my other siblings.
I am the only one who hasn't abandoned ship. Mom is 74 and she has colon and bladder cancer that has spread and is on multiple medications. The doctor keeps telling me that she is terminally ill and has less than 6 months but she keeps surviving.
She is currently in a nursing facility but her covered days through her secondary insurance will run out sometime in November this year and she will have to come back home because I can't afford to keep her there.
The nursing facility says that they can throw her out before her time is up there if she quits trying to participate in eating and exercise. She has almost gotten to that point now so she could be sent home any day. Dad is 76. He has been stubborn and angry and selfish for as long as I can remember.
He has dementia and weighs about 80 pounds guessing. He has a walker and he eats but he is losing weight rapidly and is so weak he can't stand or walk very long before he gives out.
I have to wait on him for everything hand and foot and I have been doing so for over a year now by myself
because even when Mom was here at home I had to wait on her too because they just take me for granted.
I am finally at the point where I no longer want to go visit Mom and I hate Dad. I stay so tired and a bit depressed that some days I feel like going somewhere and jumping off of a cliff myself.. it's getting to be too much.
I think I resent them for not planning anything out when they got old or ill. Dad refuses outside help and I keep wishing he would fall or have another TIA just so that the ambulance would have to come get him and take him away from here.
He desperately needs help and they say they can't just treat him for weakness.. it isn't a reason to keep him in a hospital for awhile. I know I think a lot of mean thoughts but if anything were to happen to me,I would be in a world of hurt because Dad would not be able to help me.. I would just lay on the floor until I died. He always expects too much of me no matter how bad I feel or if I am injured in some way.. he expects those meals to be cooked everyday or he hates me for not doing it.
I wish something would give everyday of my life. My happiness has turned to nothing.. I just want to leave him here far far behind and never come back.