I Want Out

by Julie
(Muscatine, IA.)

I'm a 63 year old woman on SSDI. My whole life changed 8 years ago when my body decided 20 years of factory work was enough. I lost my home before I was finally awarded SSDI, and landed at my Mother and Fathers home. Unfortunately, my Father passed away 2 years later. I'm still here although I can't stand it anymore.

My Mother has always held me to a higher standard than my 6 other siblings, and expects so much from me. She refuses to call the others for any help, although I'm in constant pain with fibromyalgia/osteoarthritis.

She gets angry if I leave here without telling her. My whole life is not mine anymore. My sister and her 35 yr. old Son also moved in 4 years ago.

Sister's son smokes pot on a daily basis here, and has not worked 1 day this whole time! Mom ENABLES HIM. I'm treated like her slave and she actually made me shovel snow last winter while he played video games.

I'm a mess, I can't eat, or sleep.

Filled with resentment and anger all the time! I can't afford to get my own place, or I'd of been gone along time ago! I'm so angry, depressed, and suicidal. How can I deal with this situation? She treats me like her wicked step child.

My resentment is as high as it could possibly be. I quit talking to my other 6 siblings because they just quit coming over since they know I'll take care of Mom. I am so hurt, angry, and depressed. Help??? Any good advice from anyone? Be kind. Thank You. Julie

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Move out, move on
by: Gina

Julie, i agree with finding section 8 housing, getting a PO box, limiting your contact and help while currently in your mom's house and contacting a church to help with moving, providing furnishings and other needs.

If the church can't provide that there are other Christian organizations that do. But I DON'T agree with moving back in with your mom. WHY? Move on and get away from the dysfunction. Then surround yourself with better people that are edifying to your life and limit exposure to your mom, sister and loser nephew. You won't regret it. Wishing you the best!

I feel the same
by: julie

Thank you for giving such great advice! I have placed my name on a waiting list for Government Housing, and will continue to take care of my Mother when I feel well enough, and when my other siblings step up to help.

Until then, I just stay upstairs and rarely go downstairs unless I absolutely have to. My sister and her son live down there, so, Mom's going to have to learn to ask them to accommodate some of her needs. Her big problem is she refuses to ask for help from others. She'll hopefully learn here soon.

get assistance
by: Bittersweet

Dear Julie, I will most certainly be kind. I'm in a bit of a similar situation where I am an only girl with 3 useless brothers and I'm the only one doing anything for my never satisfied mother.

She lived with me for 12 years and like you, I had to tell her everywhere I was going, what time I was coming home and who I was going with.

I too am 63. Now she is in a NH and I'm still her slave; taking her to appointments, doing her laundry and even taking her on outings every weekend. She expects more from me than my brothers.

She puts them on a higher level than me all the time. They do no wrong. But at least she is no longer living with me....that is one blessing. I am also very fortunate to be healthy and have a good paying job and have a nice home of my own. BTW, I'm divorced.

So now on to you. My suggestion/advice would be to look into city/state/county assistance.You no doubt would qualify for low income housing and other assistance as well.

If you are as unhappy and miserable as you say, you will do everything you can to remove yourself from your situation. I know I would. If you have a computer, get on there today and start looking for applications for assistance.

If you don't have a computer, start making phone calls or go to your Town or City Hall and ask how to start getting assistance. You need to get out of that toxic environment. Good Luck!

I feel your pain
by: Rick B.s

Hello Julie,

I certainly understand how you feel. I was the primary caregiver for my elderly mother ever since my father passed away in July of 2011. My mother was diagnosed with having moderate stage Alzheimer's disease in Spring 2015. She quickly declined into the late stages of Alzheimer's during the past for years and passed away this July 2018 after suffering a sudden cardiac arrest in our home.

I never married nor lived on my own away from my parents my entire life. I have two brothers. My younger brother helped care for my mother when he was not at work. My older brother was completely out of the picture because he chose to move hundreds of miles away from us 45 years ago.

My younger brother and I chose not to place our mother into a nursing home during this wild journey. We knew our mother would not have wanted to live in such a facility.

Yes, I more or less had to be the one to care for my mother. I felt it was my moral obligation to do so. After all, my mother gave birth to me some 55 years ago and I am certain I must have been a burden to her off and on for many years. Looking back in time, I know I experienced many of the same feelings and frustrations that you are currently living with.

Now that my mother is gone, I do not regret the sacrifices I made over the past several years. I wish I could have done more for my mother. I wish she was still alive even with the Alzheimer's. My mother was my best friend and I miss her terribly.

I know you are very frustrated and want to be out and away from having to be the primary caregiver to your mother. It is extremely difficult to do this all by yourself. At some point, I would recommend that you check and see if there are any senior service organizations available to assist you. I am not aware of where you are living but there may very well be services in your local area that can help.

Many of these services are income based. Please check with your local city government office to see if they are able to recommend any senior services to you and your mother. Many of these services are at low or no cost and having some outside help will indeed help give you some much needed respite from the everyday stress of being your mother's caregiver.

Hang in there Julie. I know what you are doing is not easy. Know that your mother loves you even when you think otherwise. Some day in the future, when all is said and done, you will not regret being your mother's caregiver.

Mom doesn't know what she's got until it's gone
by: Anonymous

I would get a P.O. Box, and start getting your mail and disability check sent there. Then join a church and try to get someone there to take you in temporarily.

Maybe find someone who needs help with their elderly parent or disabled child. Let your mother start in on your sister and her 35 year old son. Your mother doesn't know what she has got until it's gone.

Then check in about 3 months later, have a great attitude (even if you fake it). Then move back in with certain conditions. That is the only way you might be able to change the situation.

I've been taking care of my mother for years and I hate it, but I think it could be worse if I didn't. I'm just waiting for the right time and situation to move her out into a nursing home.

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