I want out RIGHT NOW !

by Annony

Caregiver: Lower than a DOG. This predicament makes me question my belief in a benevolent and loving God. If there truly is a God, it is very obvious that this “God” has sided against me. I want to fall asleep and never wake up again. I don’t have a life anyway so it really doesn’t matter.

My life is just for others to use and throw away so, it. My only fear now is ending up in a place with a life that is a million times worse that the one I’m stuck in now. If it wasn’t for this irrational fear, I’d be gone a long time ago.

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To martino
by: Anonymous

You said exactly what I was thinking. I too believe that siblings and others act all thankful only to absolve themselves of guilt for not participating in their parents care. So a mere "thank you" really means "I'm thankful that you ended up being the servant instead of me".

You can take pride in being the decent human being you are. None of those lazy self serving slugs will ever measure up to you.

Care-taker burnout: time to make decisions/take actions
by: Gina

I feel for you in your situation. Caretaker burnout is a real thing and sounds like you have it. However, you are not powerless, you just need to make some decisions. I do volunteer informal counseling for those trying to care for elderly loved ones. I'm managing 4 family members over the age of 84.

1) if your care recipient is a parent who made no effort to save for their future, were reckless with their money and now have none, or lived in denial about retirement/health/aging -- release your guilt! You are under NO moral, ethical or social obligation to care for them.

2) If you feel "stuck" in your current care situation, make a plan to remove yourself from being their caretaker. This may mean informing other family members that your care services will no longer be available starting on ____(date) and then stick to that reasonable deadline. If they get upset with this development, then you are in a position to negotiate payment for your services and regularly scheduled breaks and vacations, especially 2 days off per week. The money should come from your elderly charge. If not, then the family needs to pay it. If they reject this plan, then do what is reasonable and compassionate to provide some sort of care for your elderly charge before you leave (in the U.S. you can involve the county social services, and pursue making them a ward of the state so they can get into a care facility (whether your elderly/family like it or not -- there may be no other alternative). Too bad if they don't like that especially if they made no plan!

3) Not sure if you are Canadian or not, as this dictates what I can suggest to you. Mostly do not feel guilty about wanting a life. Many elderly and family members "expect" to be taken care of by their children but this is unfair unless you are being paid a fair amount and you get breaks.

My jerk stepfather-in-law expected this when he developed Parkinsons. He had no money and hardly worked and borrowed from many without paying back. He was upside down on his mortgage as well. Dead broke except for his Social Security which didn't even cover the interest payment on the house. But he wouldn't go into foreclosure. He didn't give us any legal ability to take care of his finances or affairs and he refused to apply for Medicaid. But he expect us to care for his every need. And this while I still had kids in high school and held a full-time job. So I told him his only other option was to become a ward of the state. He didn't believe me, until he became a ward of the state. Then all control was beyond us so we didn't have to do anything for him after that. They got him into a facility where he was fed and cared for. No guilt on my end...he got the retirement he planned for.

Your family cannot force you to care for anyone. It may be your own guilt that is locking you in. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be the sole caregiver, especially if it is uncompensated and unrelenting. Refuse to be guilted. Just smile at the others and ask them how they would like to solve the problem without you in it. If you feel tied to the elderly charge because of any inheritance possibilities, then you need to make a decision. Maybe you need to let go of that and move on. Then you will truly be free. Good luck! You can do it!

heart breaking
by: Greenacres

Not much info, but GET OUT NOW! Your life is still your own and you need to take care of yourself. We did not plan our lives to be dogs in our golden years. This is nothing like I imagined.

In laws and my own family have gone bonkers, everybody pitting sides against each other, all the mean, hateful things they say. Well it hurts. Husband tells me I have to learn to let things go. So, unless this is just a rant you wrote, quit living like that.

You are not supposed to be a doormat to the ones you love. You don't know me, but I am on your side. Hang in there and really do some soul searching, because a lot of anxiety and guilt will come up. Come back an just read these posts, it helped me.

You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I think I know what irrational fear you speak of and it is just that, irrational. There is no hell! God will eventually win over EVERY heart in due time, hallelujah!

Nevertheless, I understand you're predicament as I have had to face this issue with my aging parents as well and it isn't fun. If anything you will have many rewards in heaven but I understand that right now it feels like you are living in hell. I'm truly sorry for all that you're going through. Try and find some support in assisting your loved ones and even more importantly yourself because you are under a tremendous amount of stress and even though you probably don't feel like it please do not stop praying about the situation.

God bless you!

It's easy to give up
by: Martino

While it's easy to give up giving up isn't nearly as easy as it sounds.
The simple fact is being a caregiver is most often an extremely thankless job. While relatives may sound thankful and tell you what a wonderful job you're doing I've always gotten the feeling what they're really saying is thank you for not making me do it.. Nobody really wants the job of caring for their elderly parents unless the parent is loaded with a ton of money just waiting to be inherited.
On the other hand, you can always thank yourself for being a decent human being which more often than not is far more rewarding than being the person who shoves the jobs off on others while you go on your merry way.
I've been doing this stuff for the better part of 20 years now for both an old woman who gave me a place to stay when I was down and out and now my father who is incapable of caring for himself.
In both cases there have been others who could have helped, but they didn't and don't.
In the old woman's case her offspring lived nearby and professed to love their mother, but when mom called asking for help (food on mothers day) all three found excuses for saying no. The only time they showed anything was when she died, pushed me aside and wanted me to help clean up their mother's estate while leaving me to live in the shed in the backyard. I passed and took the next bus out of town.
In my dad's case I was the only offspring without a job, living on my own at the YMCA. Dad called asking for help. I was so tempted to pass, but I moved from Ohio to South Carolina and have been here the past 4 years taking care of the old coot. The rest of the family? Well, they come visit every now and then and pretend to do "something" but in reality it's me, the youngest and black sheep of the family who has carried their water all along. Despite everything I still love dad. He's a royal pain in the (PITA)..no, not anything to do with animals PITA..
I've dropped everything multiple times in my life to help my dad going way back into my 20s. I'll be 60 in a few weeks and still dropping everything for him.

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