I Try to Help

by Ladonna
(New Ross, Indiana, USA)

My mother and I have never got along well. We have always got on each others nerves, but now she will not listen to anything I suggest.


She can't do much for herself and I try things that I was taught when I worked in a nursing home, but she refuses everything I say. Then she will do the exact thing I suggested for my two sisters, making me feel upset because she will not except my help.

One sister sees her 2 hours a day, and helps her bath and eat lunch, the other one sees her maybe once a week for about an hour. She has lived with my husband and me for going on 13 years, and it's only getting worse.

I have her all the rest of the time and work 50 hours a week. I tell my sisters about her being so hard to live with and they say it's me because I know how she is. Maybe it is, but I don't go on vacations, or week-ends.

I wanted to be gone 3 days last year and I had to hire someone to stay with her at night, because they couldn't. I'm tired, and I'm hurt. I want the best for her, but I am feeling very stressed and like all of them are ganging up on me.

I am to the place now that I will not suggest anything for her care or stay any longer than needed with her. I don't have anything to say to her, because her first words to me are "I can't do that" then she does it with my sisters. Kinda childish of me, isn't it. What can I do to feel better?

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Help
by: Janet

My mom is 94 and has lived with me for 1 1/2 years. She is very possessive of me, making it awkward if a friend comes to visit me. She wont tell me what she wants. I will have what you are having.

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Treat Yourself Good
by: Anonymous

I can't empathize enough with what you are feeling and how much you want the frustration to go away.

We caregivers tend to be more considerate of our parent than we are ourselves. The more we do that, the more resentful we get - of them, as well as siblings who don't really understand what you're feeling. Here's what helped me more than anything ...

I began being considerate of myself. Sometimes I'd hire someone or arrange for a sibling to stay with my 94 year old mother while I went to a movie or out to dinner or just walking thru some stores for entertainment.

It helps if you can hook up with some friends on your time off - however long or short a time that is. Whatever it is that you enjoy, treat yourself to time doing it.

The more you can enjoy it, the more it takes your mind completely off of your mother and caregiving duties.

I know this sounds like an easy fix, but it's not. It took me 6 months to make a concerted effort to get out of the house and go places.

You have to work at it and treat YOURSELF like the special person that you are. You deserve it and nobody else can do this for you. Your sanity depends on it!

As I began doing things away from the house, I even became more tolerant of my mother's little habits that were driving me nuts. I'm even learning to laugh at things, just shake my head and move on.

I still don't think it's fair that I'm in the caregiver position. None of us do! But when you make an effort to do something to distract yourself from the 24/7 regiment of caregiving, it really does help to ease your mind.

I hope you'll try it. Meanwhile, just remember that you're important too and deserve some time of your own to re-energize and get re-balanced mentally and emotionally.

Best of luck!

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Mean Mom
by: Anonymous

I am not being harsh, but I am in the same position, but my mother does and will not live with us.

My mom and I never got along and she is nothing but rude to my husband.

I am an only child and for the longest time she would have my nerves on end. I think I'd be in a loony bin if it were not for my husband.

I feel responsible for taking care of my mother, but I will no let her dictate my life. She has lived her life. I do a damn good job taking care of all aspects of her life.

LIVE YOUR LIFE. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE.

Also, what makes it worse is that my father was such a nice social man; who passed in 2000. So I have been dealing with her for sometime.

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