I Seriously Don't Want To Do This any Longer.

by Anonymous

My mom who is 90 lives with me and my husband. She needs help with medications, meals, water, dressing, bathing, cleaning, brushing her dentures, ETC....

She has fallen many times and broke her left hip then her right hip. She goes through rehabilitation each fracture and each time gets a little worse. She is constantly saying "I love You, God Bless You" blah blah blah...those little sentiments only add insult to injury.

I hate the fact that I have to be home all the time to make sure she doesn't fall again... I hate the fact that she is here just sitting and waiting on me every morning for coffee and breakfast, then help with the bedside commode which stinks to high heaven when there is a surprise waiting. Then lunch then dinner.

She watch's TV and reads and wants me to write to her siblings or call them because she can't write a letter or make a phone call. She wants me to sit and talk with her only she can't hear me answer her questions. She has hearing aids but refuses to wear them.

She doesn't like her fiber but when she doesn't take it I catch her digging her carp out and gets it everywhere. I used to work nights for about 20 year so I enjoy staying up late and she is an early riser.

So if I'm not up to guide her and help her use the paper to wipe or bring her coffee then I will usually find her making a big mess. We are so different if she says yes I say no, so we don't like any of the same things. If I'm late for a meal she comes out of her room to find out why. I do not want to do this any longer.

I have raised 4 children who are all self sufficient with kids of their own who ask me and my husband to go watch the kids games or school plays and I can not go because I know my mom will be making a mess or fall. She makes 400 dollars too much to go into a nursing home so that option is out and I have 4 brothers who are worthless.

I just pray she will die then I feel guilty all the time because she tries to be so sweet and it really doesn't help. I want my life back to just get into my car and visit my kids or shop but I can't.

My husband does all the shopping now and he tries to help with her but she manipulates him into giving in on things like extra cups of coffee, a little thing except if she get one more cup she will see right through the diaper and then that just makes more work. So if anyone is considering taking their mother or father to live with them really think it through...I didn't! Good luck

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Thank you
by: Anonymous

I was so grateful to read your post. Lack of freedom for the foreseeable future is the roughest part of caregiving. But you are so right.

They didn't ask for their situation any more than you did. I will try to empathize more because they are totally dependent on the care you give them. You are their world and once they were sweet loving joyous human beings. I shall try harder.

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That's Just The Way It Is
by: Anonymous

I read your entry with compassion and empathy for your terrible situation. We are all either in your shoes or heading there soon. I've been living with my mom in her home for four years.

She is 95. She has not yet reached the level of care that your mom requires and perhaps I will be venting the same words you have written when that time comes.

Yes, you are living a life you never imagined. You are trapped by your situation. Your freedoms have been curtailed, you're dealing with physicalities that disgust you, you're tired, and no one really knows what you are going through because no one can really be you, everyday.

Those same words could be said about how your mom is feeling. Her world is now your world. She is completely dependent upon you and your graciousness, kindness, and understanding.

Honestly, I don't know what is worse. To be the caregiver or the one being taken care of.

Are you an animal lover? Do you have grandchildren? You do have children. You know what it's like to care for someone you actually love with all your heart and soul.

I have a dog that is 13 years old. She is a beautiful loving, loyal, husky with big brown eyes that only say I Love You. If you know huskies, they adore you for life. And only you.

She is blind in one eye, her hearing is gone, she has immune issues that cause her paws and nose to peel and get raw, she has terrible arthritis in her hips, and she can't reach her rear end anymore to take care of those anal glands.

She's missing some teeth so all of her food is mashed and heated. She walks so slow and but I get her out everyday for exercise. I carry a poop bag. When we come home I wash her paws to get off the pollen because she has allergies.

She takes medications in the morning and evening. This goes on everyday. And yet I will do it all for that dog, whatever it takes, because it's not her fault that she got old and she is completely dependent on me to keep her safe and loved until the end. And I will do it.

You notice I never said the words "have to". I willingly do it.

Realistically and sadly, I know, a dog is much easier to love than our aging parents, but we should try to extend that same heart-felt emotion to them. Nobody wants to get old and dependent. But that's the way it goes.

It's a really crummy deal for everyone. No one denies that you are suffering, probably more than your mom, because she has what she needs, YOU! You don't have what you need, your freedom.

And that makes us really angry and resentful. Maybe you can somehow find someway to put yourself in your mom's shoes, and realize how scary it would be to grow old and have your world close in on you, day by day, and that you are completely dependent on the level of care that others are willing to give you, until you have nothing left, but death.

Maybe you can find a way to lose some of the resentment and anger, and replace it with a little bit of acceptance, if you realize that your mom didn't ask for this either, and that the quality of the end of her life is in your hands and your heart.

Opening up to the situation, instead of getting tighter and tighter with anger, might help relieve you of the feelings you find yourself trapped in, and might make it easier to give to your mom until the end.

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