I Need Encouraging Words

Oh guys and gals, I need some words of encouragement today so badly. I doubt there's anything anyone can say to help, so maybe I just need to vent.

My mom with severe dementia/borderline Alzheimer's lives with me. I am retired now so it's 24/7 with her and anyone caregiving knows how tiring and challenging that can be. She is so dependent upon me that if I am gone for more than a 45 minute trip to Walmart (and I take a chance leaving her alone) I am treated like dirt for days with the slamming doors, snarky comments, etc. to where life inside these four walls is unbearable.

I've tried having people come in so I can be gone longer, but she's so nasty to them no one wants to come back. So she wins.

About ten years ago my old high school sweetheart and I reconnected. Both of us have been divorced for a very long time - twenty years for each of us. He lives in another state and we talk daily and see each other when time and money allows.

He's my best friend in the whole world. Our plan was always to eventually be together once my mom is gone and this obligation of mine over.

Well, he's been diagnosed with cancer. My heart is just breaking. He's going through everything alone down there as his kids live out of state. If there is anyone I want to care for it is him. He's in treatment right
now, so no prognosis can be given, but they are saying five years.

I know that's a long time and hopefully it will be longer, but it could be shorter, too.

I want to be there for whatever time is left, good or bad. And then I have this old 87 year old woman who has lived her life, sits like a log with no interest in the world whatsoever other than her morning coffee, peanut butter toast, and a nap at noon. (which I must take as well or she won't) and I think why? What is the purpose of this? It's just so unfair that I may miss the last days, perhaps years of "what could have been."

I don't have the funds to have someone come stay with her. If she wasn't here, I could just get in my car and take off. I literally want to go outside and scream at fate.

I know it's terrible to wish someone to die, but that's how I feel and sometimes I hate myself for that and sometimes I just don't. I am so sad right now I can hardly deal with it and the constraints holding me back.

It may seem selfish to some to choose someone over my mother, but she and I never had a good relationship so those bonds that should be felt just aren't there and never have been. That makes this so much harder to accept.

Anyway, thanks for listening, just needed to talk I guess.

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Knowing When To Let Go (& I don't mean them!!)
by: Sadie

Can I just tell you that I am a mother to two children and if I thought that I had come between their chance to find true love I would think myself the most despicable person on earth.

I could not under any circumstances do this to them, the thought of it is unbearable to me; I would rather die myself than cause them suffering.

We enjoy a good close relationship and I have made many sacrifices to give them the happiest life I can, but they do not owe me anything, not one thing because all of that has been my choosing and an expression of my free will.

I take full responsibility for my life as must we all, once we become adults. Please, do what you can, whatever you can, to find some empowerment in your life and follow your heart and your dreams. Nobody else can do that but you.

You have a right to be happy and find joy and contentment. Go to your man. He needs you and you need him. He will help you to remember what genuine love and care really looks like, because it sure aint this. You have many beautiful qualities as a person.

Why don't you bestow them on someone who actually appreciates and deserves them? I wish you the very best of luck.

don't give up
by: dawn infinity

I'm sorry to hear what's goin on in your life & if you read this remember you are a very special valued person , dementia. can do things that elderly person wouldn't say or do if they didn't have it , have you thought about talking to her doc maybe they could put her on some meds to help control the dementia , the peanut butter &toast sounds like my mom she even hides the peanut butter she loves it so much.

I hope everything works out take care of yourself. you are one of gods future seraphim angels. When my mom gets nasty with me i just walk out of the room , believe me she can sit in her chair & have the longest faces i seen her sull up like a possum , i just like it go in one ear &out the other. u need to take care of yourself. you owe that to yourself. you are doin the best you can do. Things will get better. hugs

I understand
by: Bittersweet

I don't judge you at all for your feelings. We all have those feelings when we are the caregivers for our elderly and sickly parents.

I was in a similar situation, my mother lived with me for 12 long years and I hated every minute of it. We, too, did not have a great relationship. My mother expected certain things of me....not my brothers...ME! I am bitter about it.

Last year she had a stroke making it impossible to live at home anymore, even with me as I work a full time job and also divorced over 20 years. I have a BF but he does not live with me. Mom in in a NH now and I couldn't be happier. What a burden lifted!

I take care of her needs and visit very often, even taking her home on Sunday. Now I wait for her end to be truly unburdened.

My suggestion to you is; get her in a nursing home. Have her evaluated by her doctor or your county's elderly affairs department. That is where she needs to be. Stop burning yourself out. You'll feel guilty, I know I did...but you'll get over it. Go live what's left of your life and your BF.You deserve it. As we all do.

Life is not fair and I don't believe we should be stuck with caring for sick parents. And for those out there who will tell me; "Your mother took care of you."

I will say; "You can not compare a parent caring for a child to a child caring for a parent...it is just not the same. My mother was young when she had me and I was much easier to carry around!"
Good luck!

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