I Need Encouraging Words
Oh guys and gals, I need some words of encouragement today so badly. I doubt there's anything anyone can say to help, so maybe I just need to vent.
My mom with severe dementia/borderline Alzheimer's lives with me. I am retired now so it's 24/7 with her and anyone caregiving knows how tiring and challenging that can be. She is so dependent upon me that if I am gone for more than a 45 minute trip to Walmart (and I take a chance leaving her alone) I am treated like dirt for days with the slamming doors, snarky comments, etc. to where life inside these four walls is unbearable.
I've tried having people come in so I can be gone longer, but she's so nasty to them no one wants to come back. So she wins.
About ten years ago my old high school sweetheart and I reconnected. Both of us have been divorced for a very long time - twenty years for each of us. He lives in another state and we talk daily and see each other when time and money allows.
He's my best friend in the whole world. Our plan was always to eventually be together once my mom is gone and this obligation of mine over.
Well, he's been diagnosed with cancer. My heart is just breaking. He's going through everything alone down there as his kids live out of state. If there is anyone I want to care for it is him. He's in treatment right
now, so no prognosis can be given, but they are saying five years.
I know that's a long time and hopefully it will be longer, but it could be shorter, too.
I want to be there for whatever time is left, good or bad. And then I have this old 87 year old woman who has lived her life, sits like a log with no interest in the world whatsoever other than her morning coffee, peanut butter toast, and a nap at noon. (which I must take as well or she won't) and I think why? What is the purpose of this? It's just so unfair that I may miss the last days, perhaps years of "what could have been."
I don't have the funds to have someone come stay with her. If she wasn't here, I could just get in my car and take off. I literally want to go outside and scream at fate.
I know it's terrible to wish someone to die, but that's how I feel and sometimes I hate myself for that and sometimes I just don't. I am so sad right now I can hardly deal with it and the constraints holding me back.
It may seem selfish to some to choose someone over my mother, but she and I never had a good relationship so those bonds that should be felt just aren't there and never have been. That makes this so much harder to accept.
Anyway, thanks for listening, just needed to talk I guess.