I Need Advice

by Bittersweet
(Massachusetts)

My 95 year old mother is in a nursing home. She has had a stroke and has vascular dementia as a result. I visit often and even take her out every weekend. She can walk and go to bathroom with little assistance.


Here's my dilemma; I'm going on vacation in October and I am having a problem with how I should tell her without getting her all worked up.

I am practically the only one who visits her, aside from one brother who pops in a couple of times a week. I already know what her reaction will be when she finds out I'll be gone for a week. She won't be happy.

She knows she will not be going out on the weekend and just the fact that I am away will be an issue. She never liked it when I took a vacation.

Frankly, I'm scared to death to have to tell her.

I know I'm going to get that stare of disapproval as well as the guilt trip. I'm going to try and line up a few visitors for her and I'll make the promise to call every day.

I was thinking of putting my suitcase where she can see it and break it to her that way. I also don't want to tell her until the trip is about a week away. Less time for her to brood.
Any advice will be appreciated.

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don't tell her
by: Anonymous

Just don't tell her ahead of time. Tell her the day before you leave. Don't promise to call every day. I used to call my mom every day too. I don't anymore.

I used to worry about the "stare of disapproval" as you put it. Sounds like your mom is like mine - a narcissist. That's their game - bully you and make you feel guilt.

I'm guessing you're about my age (around 60). You don't need to fear your mom at your age. You need to stand up for yourself and do what YOU want to do. I'm finally doing that; wish I hand LONG AGO. Read about children of narcissistic parents.

You need to take care of yourself. If mom gets mad so be it. Dr. Karyl McBride is an excellent resource. Hugs for you, and enjoy your vacation!

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