I Love These Folks But...

by Patricia
(El Cajon California)

This is my second time writing. I wanted to clarify some things I said. I do love my parents in law. It hasn't always been easy but they are great people. We've been taking care of them for three years.

Now it looks like it is time for us to move in for better care. I know I have no choices here, I just didn't realize how much privacy and time we will be giving up not to mention also giving up my job. I've already told the "not interested" part of the family that I cannot quit a paying job for a non paying job. My husband and I are struggling enough.

If these folks were to go into assisted living, at 5 to 7 thousand a month, they would only have enough to see them thru for about 4 years, after that, we would have to pay to help them out. I would be a whole lot more comfortable if it was my Mom and Dad I was doing this for as my brothers and sister all want to help.

However as a daughter in law, I really have no rights here. As I said before, my husbands brothers want no part of this but don't mind trying to kick us all over the place. Very soon I will be standing up and saying what needs to be said. It won't change anything as the folks made it clear that they want us helping them. They seem to trust us the most.

This is so hard. I'm 54 and am in a working marriage. My husband demands that I (try) to work as hard as him. After 30 years of nearly non stop work, I am already worn out. Where do I find the strength to take on two 87 year old's in the same mental state? I'm terrified one of them will fall and injure themselves and somehow I would be blamed.

I've read nearly every letter on this site and there seems to be no solutions. It is a sad state of affairs when ANY family member dumps the folks on another with no promise of any kind of help. I truly hope their own kids treat them as poorly. Shame on all of them.

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Seriously? Is Right
by: Anonymous

Yes, go for the assisted living. They are 87 years old. If you exhaust all of their money in four years then Medicaid will step in and pay for their care.

I am doing same thing for my 87 year old father. If your husband does not have Power Of Attorney on his folks and he is doing all their care then he needs to get their Power Of Attorney to protect them and the two of you. That way, others can't make demands of ask for money from them because you will be in control. Good Luck

by: Anonymous

Whatever you do, don't become a martyr! That sounds like the way you are heading. It's not worth the sympathy!

You say they CAN afford assisted living for four years? Four years is a long time, especially for the elderly. If they don't use up their disposable income now, what will happen when they pass is that the other non-helping family members will be there for their 'share' and leave you and your husband destitute.

Go for the assisted living and worry about "four years from now' in four years. If both parents are still living at that time, then your husband and his siblings can all pitch in equally to take care of them. Don't become a useless depressed doormat because that's where you are heading.

Where is Your Husband in All This?
by: Third Sister

It seems to me from reading this and your prior post that your husband is letting the worst of the burden fall on you. There isn't much you can do with his family as an outsider maybe, but I think it's your husband's job to set boundaries with his family and insist that his siblings do at least as much of the work as his wife is doing.

They are his parents and his siblings, after all, and you are his wife. He should be making sure his family doesn't take unfair advantage of you. IMO, that is his job as your husband.

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