I love my mother, my siblings, not so much

My mother is 84 and has been living in a mobile home on our property for the last year and a half. She was widowed in 2008 and gave up her home and many possessions to move closer to my older sister. Then, after a few years, she gave up more and was moved near my youngest sister. She was very independent, still drove her own car, maintained her apartment, paid her own bills, grocery shopping etc. but she needed company.

I lived 400 miles away, visited when I could and called every few days. My mother would cry and say that she never thought she would have 8 children and end up so lonely. My sister lived 2 blocks from mom but would go weeks at a time without stopping by or calling.

After a year my sister informed us that mom had dementia and she was going to have her put into an assisted living facility. I and my other sisters felt that this was the wrong decision and I offered to move mom to my home.

My husband and I had a vacant mobile home because we had been the caregivers for my deceased mother-in-law. After some convincing mom moved here, 400 miles away from my siblings.

Mom and I have coffee and visit, daily. We go shopping weekly, hit the flea markets, listen to her old LP's, talk politics, plant flowers, laugh and remember. My husband and I take care of her "honey do" list and we're just a few yards away if she needs us. It really is
working out well.

I love my mother and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. She is in chronic pain, doesn't like to take medication, eats too many sweets and can't reach her toenails, but other than that she's in pretty good shape.

Here's the rub, my sister, who wanted to place mom in a facility, has visited once in an 18 month period. She refuses to speak to me because I questioned her judgement and has said some really cruel and hateful things about me to our other sisters.

Now she is "concerned" that I have allowed mom to become obese, just like me, which is just so out of left field. Mom is wearing the same clothing she arrived in, she is 5' 7'' and weighs 150, not obese by anyone's standards.

I'm chunky, but always have been and certainly not obese. She has accused me of "trying to kill our mother by over feeding her", when mom moved her she was only eating honey buns and hot dogs.

She didn't feel like cooking and ate what was convenient. I prepare dinner for her every day, fresh vegetables, meat and eggs, all of which I raise myself. My sister is crazy!

That's it, I just wanted to say that, she's crazy. Self-involved, narcissistic, anorexic and mean spirited. She wanted possession of mom but didn't want to see to mom's needs, which are small compared to so many.

She needs companionship, conversation and love, things my sister couldn't or wouldn't give her. She does not have dementia, she was lonely and isolated.

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Love your Mom/sibs not so much
by: Dena of Oklahoma

You are AWESOME!

It never ceases to amaze me what I read on here (and to include my siblings) of how the siblings criticize the one doing all the work. My youngest brother wants to stick my parents in a facility.

I have promised my parents that it won't happen as long as God will allow me to care for them. I have moved out of my home (which I have worked so hard on for years in preparation for my retirement in 2011) and in to my parents home to care for them (solely) around the clock.

When I try to discuss my frustration or fatigue with my brother he says things like "well YOU chose to do that, so...."

My mom has Parkinson's, blindness due to macular degeneration, insulin dependent diabetes, osteoporosis(humped over) and glaucoma plus now she is starting to experience Parkinson's related hallucinations. My dad is 93 and starting to show signs of dementia.

They have been married 73 years. Sadly, between trying to just manage the care for both of them, I have no time to just sit and talk with them and spend some time with them as their daughter not their care-giver.

My brother calls every day "to talk". I think in his mind, this fulfills his duty as a son. I wish I could have some time to just sit and talk with my parents......

Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your kind response. Sending health updates by text is a great idea. I really don't want to leave my sister out of the loop and hate that she is only getting second hand info. from my other sisters.

You have my vote!
by: Anonymous

The good news is your sibling is 400 miles away. You have done the right thing for your mother - we all need love and need hugs for survival.

I would like to advise you send your sister progress reports from your mother's doctor when you take her for check-ups and such (maybe you do),you will then have unspoken back-up. I text my siblings progress reports.

My mother is 86 and is 5'7" and 144, so your mother is just fine, and I was told it is good to be a bit over weight in case they get sick - Our parents mental, emotional, and physical health go hand and hand. You have my vote!!!!

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