I Have Had Enough

by Lee

After taking care of my mother that had lung cancer by my self she lost her fight after 2 years.

I was thrown into the role as sole caretaker of 91 year old step dad that no one likes because he is insulting and talks dirty to women and me he has always talked like that and my mother allowed it.

My sister told my mother he molested her when she was 12 and my mother told her to shut up and don't cause a fight! When I tell him to stop talking that way he gets mad and says he is just joking and for me to stop being so serious everyone else likes it.

I tell him he is going to get arrested when someone slaps him with a lawsuit for it. He has willed everything to me and has given me power of attorney over him because I am the only who tolerates him.

But today was the last straw yesterday I went with my 26 year old daughter shopping just to get away for a while and didn't get home until 8 pm because I was my old self and smiled.

He questioned me and asked if I found a boyfriend because I look like I need a good "blanking" and he could help me out with that. I told him he was crazy and that he needs to see a doctor and he told me f u and for me to leave.

I told him I will put his ass away. He treats me like I am my mother and I tell him to stop it. He is hooked on Hydrocodone and nerve pills and only complains of pain when he takes one.

My mother left us her jewelry but he said she didn't want us to have anything of hers because he is greedy. I am going to see social services to see what I can do to put him in a home or something.

I have gotten to where I stay mad and depressed because of him and the situation and it has aged me. I tried to get a job to get away from him but he cries wolf and puts a guilt trip on me.

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by: Anonymous

I feel bad for you. No one should have to put up with being treated like that.

I'm sorry for your mothers actions as well, she should never had protected a child molester. I doubt if anything could be done now the state of limitations is up.

You could always confront him with your sibling and tell him if he doesn't straighten up you'll report him (he won't know the statute of limitation is up) and if he doesn't straighten up you'll put him in jail.

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering.

I hear ya...
by: Anonymous

It is strange that all of these stories and mine have a familiar ring to them. I just do not know what it is or why it is.... Let me see if I can help.

When I first moved in with my mother she was hooked on Vicodin. She had knee surgery 5 years earlier and to my surprise, she was still taking Vicodin. As I had just moved in, I was observing her behavior - she would call the doc and ask for another prescription and he refilled it - just that quick, no questions asked.

Furthermore, when I first moved in with my mother she was very unsanitary - the house smelled like urine always, and she did not take her medication on a regular basis, then there was the dementia. So I started putting two and two together. Over the months, I started with cleaning and sanitizing the house, cooking, just trying to work into some normalcy in the house, now this was through trial and error when dealing with a mother with dementia, in other words... it was not easy all the time.

But anyway, as I progressed in my duties, the Vicodin thing really bothered me. I saw that there was really nothing wrong (that I could see) that warranted the Vicodin. So, I wrote a very nice but strong letter to her doctor and let him know that I was my mother's POA, and reminded him that he has been refilling Vicodin for my mother for a knee surgery she had 5 years ago and she no longer has pain in her knee; I warned him to stop the refills.

I also provided him with some observations while I had been living with her. I put the letter and an envelope and delivered it to his office. To make a long story short - he stopped the refills. Not long after, my mother ended up in the hospital with a serious illness that was masked by the Vicodin she had been taking. I now take charge of all her medication. My mother had four serious surgeries in last 18 months that she needed long ago, but those medical conditions were also masked by the Vicodin.

During those 18 months, the doctor prescribed Norco, but I kept charge of it and gave it to her as needed. My mother just got out of hospital 3 weeks ago, I know she has no pain, but I have put a low dose of Tylenol in the Norco container and I give her that when she wants a pain pill - she thinks its Norco, now she does not ask for pain pills hardly.

Being POA, you need to keep a paper trail on your step dad and have a consultation with his doc, I did this with my mom, I made an appointment and further discussed the situation alone. The Vicodin was not helping her overall health and she was a mess - Vicodin was her answer to everything.

My mother does the same thing to me as far as crying wolf, I call her on it. When I am getting ready to leave, she says, "I think I am going to get in the bathtub when you are gone". Now this is something that is down right not safe for her to do by herself.

But now I tell her to be sure and take the phone in the bathroom with you in case you get stuck or fall so you can call 911. I will not allow my mother to put a guilt trip on me. I do not know what kind of guilt trip your step dad puts on you, wish I knew.

You have to do what you have to do. I would definitely get the information you need to see about a home to put him in. You do not have to do anything immediately, just arm yourself with information - consider it ammunition - no need to tell him at the moment, just for your own self preservation.

I have to constantly go behind my mother's back to get stuff done that she knows nothing about. It is one thing for us to be of help and put up with stuff, that comes with the territory, but I do not believe we have to be abused in the manner that you have been.

It sounds as though your step father has a mental illness and it is very hard to reason with a person like this. You have to set your boundaries and stick to them - not so much for your sake, but for his sake. It seems that we allow our parents to step over our boundaries and our parents do that because they do not have any boundaries. Our parents need structure and unfortunately we have to teach them boundaries by modeling them and we must follow through if need be, that is the only way we are going to communicate "this far and no further".

When we allow them to cross the line, it causes them confusion. Do not get into a power struggle with him, you do not have to - you are in charge and you are taking care of him. A person like your stepfather enjoys the indignity. Use your quiet strength. My mother too, likes the power struggles, but I will not get sucked into it.

Write down what you expect of him as in a 1. 2. 3. format. Let him know the consequence. If he cannot be respectful, (which I do not believe he can) follow through with the home if need be and do not feel guilty. Make sure all of your ducks are in a row first.

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