I have 2 Brothers and I was "Chosen" to be the Caregiver for Both my Parents...

by Angela
(Arlington, Tx.)

I don't even know where to begin.....Hopefully, I can do this without turning this into a full novel. I will try to explain my situation, going over main details. It's hard to explain what has happened to me over the last year, it's a lot and has left me with many emotional scars since my mom passed away a couple of weeks ago.

I had been taking care of both parents by myself doing everything from morning to night for over a year. It was extremely exhausting and I am depressed it was overwhelming. Mom needed constant help and dad had Alzheimer's/dementia and was very abusive to me. Both brothers were aware of dads abuse and I asked them many times to please help me do something with dad, neither one offered to help.

My dad left bruises and hand marks on me many times, I called the police 2 times. In December he was diagnosed with the Alzheimer's/dementia. I am furious that I was left all alone to care for my parents. I wasn't paid but I lived in their house which is how my brothers justified was enough as far as "payment". I am very depressed and very resentful that my brothers who are very successful at their jobs,and they never came to help me with anything although I begged and asked many times, mostly because dad was upsetting my sick mom & I didn't know what to do about it.

Now, after all this time they are helping my dad after I left in April when dad tried to choke me and said he was going to burn my eyes out with his cigarette, etc... I had to call the police and I left the house without my belongings and not a penny on me (except for 2 checks one was for $50 and the other was $40, I hadn't cashed those until I needed it). Now, my brothers are telling me that I stole a checkbook and forged my dads name on a check which is all false, My dad had been accusing me of stealing things for a long time, oddly enough those things would show up later. He called me filthy disgusting names and he told me one time I was the worst mistake he ever made... then later he would apologize for being so mean to me and for hitting me.

He has locked me out of the house before when mom wasn't there (she was in the hospital) he told my brothers lies that I wasn't aware of and they both turned on me, belittling me and yelling at me I had no idea what was going on, I was confused, hurt and very angry. And now my dad doesn't remember paying me back for things I bought for them out of my money. Also, I had been signing checks for my parents because they weren't able to but they knew about every check I had signed. My brothers were never around long enough to see this.

I did all the driving, grocery shopping etc...My sister in law was taking care of all the bills I was never included in those decisions that were made about that as well as being left out of the will, both my brothers were allowed to do everything, everything except helping me take care of our parents on a daily basis.(both parents agreed to start paying 50 a week for taking care of them).

My brothers changed the locks on my parents house because my dad has them believing his lies. I don't know if they are just choosing to ignore that my dad has mental problems and they don't understand what Alzheimer's/dementia can cause a person to do, being abusive to ANYBODY is wrong, but not once did they check on me to see if I was okay, they spend a lot of time with my dad now that my mom has passed and I'm no longer at the house, which makes me so angry. I was very close to my mom and she told me one day that she thought dad was "jealous" of our closeness.

She also told me before she became incoherent, that she worried about me, she said don't let them hurt you, I told her nobody was going to hurt me, she said if my dad hurt me she didn't trust my brothers to do anything to help me, and she was worried about that. Oddly, that is exactly what happened.

I am treated like I'm some sort of criminal by my dad and brothers, which is wrong,I had no money, no job no car nothing, my brothers haven't called to check on me or anything.I feel so lost and confused how could my brothers do this to me, and how come they can help my dad all of sudden when they couldn't do it when mom was still alive or before now? I don't know how to get over this without feeling so hurt and disappointed, especially after ALL I had done for my parents.

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To Chosen One
by: Angele'

Angela, your letter is so very sad. There is no way to justify what you have gone and are going through.

I, too, have non supportive brothers although they have not taken any action to hurt me as your brothers have. No one can truly understand the level of pain these types of situations bring. I am a mental health professional (20+ years) and although I understand intellectually how I should be handling my situation, the feelings get in the way of logical, objective responses.

I hope that you will find someone you can trust and talk through your feelings of pain and rejection. Try to take comfort in the fact you were there for your Mother, and let your brothers now deal with your father as they see fit. I have come to the realization that it futile to ruminate about what my brothers don't do or the fact they are unwilling and/or unable to care as I feel they should.

I am trying to refocus that energy toward taking as good of care as my Mother as possible and letting God/Karma take care of my family members who have fallen short in their responsibilities toward Mother. I hope you will soon find peace within your situation--you are in my thoughts. Take care of yourself.

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