I Hate This and I Don't Want to Do It!

by Bethann
(Darien, CT)

I unfortunately am the closest geographically to my elderly parents - one with Rheumatoid arthritis and one with Parkinson's and dementia.


My mother- with the RA, expects me - commands me - to be there at the drop of her hat no matter what- to step in after the nurse who comes 2x a week leaves.

This disrupts my life on a daily basis - it's never ending and it only gets worse as my father cannot be left by himself at all for any length of time. She refuses to put him in a place where he would be safe - and she expects me to be the step in at all times.

My sisters do not want to hear me complain, they offer no support, only criticism. I want to move away so I don't have to be in this role.

I love my parents but I am not cut out for this and I resent and am angry that I have been put into this position, not by choice.

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Start saying NO
by: Anonymous

I'm probably going to get a lot of criticism for this but I think you need to start saying no. You say she commands you? Maybe you need to start standing up for yourself. You could very nicely say " oh, sorry mom, but I have made other plans, Gosh mom, I'm in the middle of something and can't run over there right now. No I can't take you that day, maybe sis can."

Stop answering the phone if you have to. Go for long walks WITHOUT your phone. Take some classes, go to the library.Turn it off!! Don't let mom and siblings push you around because you sound like you are about to fall apart.

If mom sees that she can't control you maybe she will reconsider your dads care? As a private caregiver, I had a 93 yr old patient that was an absolute tyrant!!! I let her run me in circles for two yrs because I couldn't say "no".

I realize that your situation is different because it's your mom and you care for her but YOU are,responsible for your own well being. I wish you well!

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Deal with it
by: Anonymous

I am taking care of my mom and dad. I am the fifth sibling and have always had to drive from another state every other weekend for ten years.

Four years ago, I moved down and have since been helping in caring for both my parents. My dad is bed ridden and doesn't walk. He fell and fractured his hip. My dad is 80 and my mom is 79.

My older brothers and sisters have never had an interest in either of my parents, except when they need cash. I have two younger sisters and the youngest helps out but leaves in another state. She comes down and truthfully does her best. Other than that, I have my 33 year old son, helping out as well.

No other grandchild has offered to help in any way. My parents have doted on each grandchild, yet no one helps. Unfortunately, we have to deal with it. I pray for each and every one of you. For your strength. No one is ever going to help. Just continue to do the right thing. Thank you all and God Bless

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Understand, Me Too
by: Anonymous

I don't agree with Anonymous' advice as the comment above is not dealing with your situation. I am in exactly the same situation.

Geographically I am the closest, one of my sisters is in another country and the other one is married and works and has kids (who she sees a couple of hours a day as she is working all the time in order to pay for her millionaire lifestyle). So I am left to bear the brunt of it all.

I have said to my sister with the kids that it is her choice to work long hours but why should I have to give up my job to look after my parents.

When my father was ill, she went on holiday and I was left looking after him. The reality of the situation is that no one is helping or listening to me when I say this is not fair- why would they? Are they going to change their lifestyle? No.

I am praying that they will wake up to how selfish they are! God have mercy on them!

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In Reply to "I Hate This...."
by: Anonymous

I totally understand where you're coming from. The difference is I have one sibling less than a guarter of mile away and the other lives there!

I have learned one thing in this journey and that is that our anxiety magnifies things in our own minds... not to diminish anything, but I know that when I 'm stressed, things seem a whole lot worse.

Doesn't make things any easier, but true none the less :(

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