I Hate my Mother and Father

by Sadie

I am the sole caregiver for my 70 year old mother who has late stage dementia. She is in diapers and is incontinent pretty much all the time.

I live with her in my sister's home and I also watch my two nieces who are 15 and 12. They try to help me but they're just children. My Father also lives here but won't watch his wife even if I need to go to the restroom but yet he cries saying seeing his wife like this is very upsetting.

He still works a full-time job so he says that because he does he shouldn't have to watch her besides he says it's women's work. My sister can't help mainly because she has a lot of medical issues on her own and honestly her and my Mom never had a great relationship she only keeps my mom around for the income she provides.

I hate my life. I'm in my 40's and fill like life is passing me by I've been out of work now for over 3 years and honestly resent both of my parents.

I am so angry that I'm taking it out on my Mom.

My car died so my dad purchased a used one for me but he threatens to take it away constantly in addition takes it on the weekend.

He does have his own car so I'm stuck at home but honestly it's not like I can go anywhere because I have no money. My sister controls my mom's social security and pension.

She says it's because I live here rent free. But I also clean her house and watch her children and pets. I'm so done I'm just waiting and hoping that my mom will die soon so I can leave.

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Get Smart #2
by: Anonymous

Thank you "Understandable In Your Position".... I too, live in California. I further want to say to "I Hate My Mother and Father", that I too live in a situation where I have been told by my mother that I am not getting one penny for helping out!

Why? Because I am not paying rent as she said. Sound familiar? She thinks she is helping me by not paying rent, I could not believe my ears. My mother has too much money to qualify for a caretaker through Social Services.

The difference between us is that I do have the support from my sibling,, and I will say (like I stated in my first response to you) that my siblings are aware that they need me and to remind you, your siblings do too!.

My siblings are appreciative that I am taking on the care of our mother and they are compensating me on a monthly basis - they have also spoken with my mother about compensating me, but she refuses. My mother, however, is there for a few of my siblings when they get into a financial bind - she is on it!

So, it leaves me feeling very unappreciated by her. What keeps me going is the support I get from the others. Even though I get this support, I sometimes feel that it is just not worth all the mental anguish.

The only reason I hang in there is for their support and I am very grateful. But you... I know I would have moved away if I had the frustration of my mother and the frustration of my siblings working against me, I would not have survived it all.

So my dear, since you are still hanging in there, believe me, you have a strength you know nothing about. Find that strength to work in your favor! Find your strength in love...

Understandable in your position
by: Anonymous

I agree with, "you hold all the cards". It's shameful what your family is expecting of you. It is true, one would have to pay around $2,000.00 a month for a care taker.

We have a program here in California called "In Home Support Services" that pays 147 hours a month for a in home care taker for my mother.

Hours may differ for some one else, it's decided on the need after they come to the house and do an assessment. The caretaker makes about $9.25 per hour.

Every one of us who are taking care of an elderly parent knows the difficulty's in this challenge, and the anger and bitterness that can occur.

Taking care of your sister's children? How are you keeping sane?? Hang in there find your resources and move forward. They either don't get that a good care taker is hard to find let alone one that can be trusted to come into the house.

Your anger is understandable. You need to be kind to yourself and take charge of your life. Don't allow them to bully you or place guilt or shame on you. It's shameful what they are doing not what you are feeling.

Get Smart.
by: Anonymous

You need to get smart and truly realize they need you more than you need them. Everyone is taking advantage of you.

I do not know where you live, but in my state Social Security will pay for a primary caretaker for your mom in addition to social security benefits - you should be receiving that money as your mother's primary caretaker - look into that - go to the social security office or call them and get information. Do it behind the scenes, they need not know for now.

I do not know the extent of your sisters medical issues, but the fact that your sister and mom never really got along is no excuse to help out. About the car situation - is the car in your name? You have got to put your foot down. Start looking for a job... when it is time to go on an interview, let them know...and they will say. "What?"

Just tell them that you need income. Tell them if a caretaker was hired it would cost $2000 a month and they would not be paying rent either. That sort of thing. Stop taking your anger out on your poor mother and take it out on those who are taking advantage of you.

You and your sister should split the responsibilities, for example: you take the 6am to 12p shift and she takes the 12p to 6pm shift - that sort of thing.

Who is your mother's Power of Attorney? You need to be her POA, if you are going to keep this up as you are her primary caretaker. If you quietly "ruffle their feathers" they will come to see. Do not let them threaten you, you will come out on top, but you need to stick to your guns, because they cannot do this without you and they know that.

Of course in the meantime there will be drama, but stick it out! I would organize your mother's medication and set things up and leave for a day or two - leave them a note with instructions for your mom - and take off in your car in the middle of the night.

Tell them in the note of all you have been doing and that you are having a mental breakdown - just kind of play that up - in other words pretend, tell them I just do not know what happened to me, mention panic attacks - let them be concerned about the caretaker (and believe me they will be concerned)....and you needed to get away.

Do you have a friend you can stay with? Even for a day. Make a copy of car keys for both cars at some point without anyone's knowledge. Do not let anyone threaten you - Read my lips: YOU HOLD All THE CARDS!

They may threaten to take away your car keys, but are they threatening to kick you out? I think not, because they need you!

You hold all the cards here. Do not get into a power struggle with them, just continue to do what you have to do to set yourself up for a plan of escape - I say "escape" because it sounds like you are being held hostage, you do not need their permission.

And you do not need to actually follow-through on a plan of escape, just go through the motions - if things change good, if not, follow through.

You said that after your mother died, you can leave.... how can you leave? You still will have no money or a job. I suggest you start now and set yourself up to leave or a least to save money. When they see you mean business, things will change.

Stay calm always - and do not let them know what you are thinking - no arguing with them. Good Luck - I am upset for you, I am more upset with you for allowing all involved to take such advantage of you, but I still feel for you in your position.

Do something! The reason I am upset, is because I do know the difficulties involved with care taking - believe me!

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