I Feel so Alone Caring for my Elderly Mother

I also take care of my mother, I am the youngest of four. I have three older brothers and I don't get any help from them. At one point I did ask the oldest brother to talk to the other two brothers to see if they could trade off weekends so I could have sometime for myself. He said he would take care of it, it never happened.


I work a full time job, so myself and two of my brothers pay a sitter to stay with mom. My weekends are always at home,cleaning,cooking,washing and taking care of mom. I know my brothers go out on the weekends and I am sure they have a good time, I don't get any free time.

I cant wait for Mondays to come around so I can get back to work.

They (my brothers) don't see everything I do and that is okay. I know I have told my oldest brother I am at the end of my rope, and sometimes as I am driving I want to pick out a telephone pole to run into. Sometimes I just want to cry, I cant believe they could do this to her (mom) or me. We are alone in this together.

They do call sometimes, and yes she is so happy when they do call, her face lights up as if they are the love of her life. I don't care if they like me or not, but they should be here at nights when she is crying with pain, lay down with her when she is scared to go to sleep because she thinks she is dying, or try to answer the questions of why her son's don't come over to help. I tell her, Mom I really don't know why they don't help. And in my heart I do know, they have a life and they are going to live it, with or with out us.

I do know this much, she said to me the other day, Oh God I pray nothing happens to you, I just know they would put me in a home. My answer to her was this. Mom I hope nothing happens to me, and yes you maybe right they would put you in a home. I don't try to sugar coat things for her, she knows we are at odds with one another most of the time, My brothers and I that is. I do the best I can, and I take very good care of my mom.

I cant remember the last time I have had six hours sleep, I check on her like a mother checking on her baby. I am not taking care of myself and I know it, sad to say but I don't have the time . If I take anytime off from work it kills my pay check, so the time I do take off is to take mom to her Doctor's appointments.

Oh, did I forget to say one of my brothers don't work, funny but he could take her, but God forbid if I should ask. You know the look, ( I cant believe you want me to give up my day.) Or he wants us to pay for his gas. Do I love my brothers? YES, do I like them? NO not at all, I have never seen such selfish people in my whole life. Always remember, what go's around comes around.

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The same here
by: Anonymous

I'm here at 2:48 am thinking why she blame me for all her problems. Being like a bitch all the time.

No one here wants to see talk or listen to her. Everyone think she's possessed.

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Help?
by: Barbara Stiff-Rile

My mom is 88 and my sister died a year ago! I get no break!!! wtf? Do I do?

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sad in wv
by: Anonymous

I have so much in common with you. I take care of both of my parents. They live next door but are more needy everyday. I'm the youngest daughter with an older brother , two older sisters and a younger brother who isn't in any shape to help...

My sister helped for awhile but since my mother suffers from mental problems and plain old meanness, she has ran almost everyone off. She is 85.

My dad, a sweet man, is almost 88 and is deaf and nearly blind. I alone take care of them, from bills to pills to doctor appointments and meals and housekeeping.

I'm getting so bitter with my family because it is perfectly clear that they don't care and live their own lives. I've looked for that telephone pole myself many times. In my mind I make plans to just leave them all but of course that is only a dream.

I've been caring for them for over 14 years now. I'm being treated for depression but wonder if I can make it through another week.

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I'm 30 yrs old but living life of 65
by: Anonymous

I'm too taking care of my mom. I love her so much and feel very guilty reading such posts or writing comments. But I'm really tired.

I'm an unmarried 30 years old man taking care of my 65 yrs old mom. She can walk properly and help herself but I can't leave her alone. I have a brother and 2 sisters. All are married with children.

But no one really offers to help as they claim they are very busy with their kids and families. I see their pictures on Facebook on weekends having fun or going to dinners with their own families and I am the youngest kid having a life as if I'm 65.

I stay up all nights thinking of my life. Will I get married? Is this a good life? I answer, certainly, NO.

I traveled 4 years to a foreign country alone and during these years I had a good life. I used to work, hangout with friends and do lots of stuff. But when I got back home I got stuck.

I know that there is a good life out there but I'm unable to live it. I sometimes thinking of abandoning all my family and leave home and live on my own terms. But still, I love my mom and would never do that to her especially having non-caring siblings.

God Help!

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Feeling it
by: Anonymous

I feel for you truly. I have a sister who don't work. She said she would help me 7 months ago when I started caring for our mom. She lies to other family member tell them she has to take care of grand babies.

Bit what she s really doing is hanging out with her boyfriend she just met. It hard to understand why they can be family and watch me go though all of this.

My sister don't work. I have lost my job my insurance and my time with my family. Just started anti depressants feels like my life is over. She is moms favorite. I have to keep my mouth shut. So I don't upset my non caring sister

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Shattering
by: Anonymous

I too look after my mum. I'm an only child and luckily my husband is wonderful with her. She is crippled with arthritis and has just moved into sheltered accommodation, which is fine until she is ill.

In the last 6 weeks she's has 2 chest infections and now a water infection which has made her odd to say the least.

I had 29 phone calls in one day and the toaster caught fire at the weekend. Had a call at 2.30am got back at 4am only to be phoned again at 7am.

Been shouted and sworn at and basically feel can't do anything right. I'm currently off work with stress and when you call the Doctors they aren't interested.

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Alone
by: Kathy

M name is Kathy,

My Mother was living with my half sister for about three years. But one day my mother called me asking me to mover her our and that things were coming up gone and my sister never again paid attention to her anymore.

Well, she lives with me now and I am the youngest and my Mother made me Power of Attorney and my my half sister is trying to remove that in court.

Her or any other sister or family member has been here once to see her since she moved in. She has been in and out of hospitals and when she came home from the last one I had to feed her, bathe her, change her and do everything alone.

My Mother was in a wheelchair and was unable to do anything for herself. I was and am very tired and noone want to help. They are just trying to take her away from me and take control over her persons and her money.

If they are able to take her away they will put her in away in a nursing home, and it will kill me. They don't care if they did they would be here to help and lover her like me. I pray that won't happen. My heart cries out for any answer on what to do.
Sincerely, Kathy

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I too Care for Mom Alone
by: Anonymous

My sister died suddenly of a heart attack last year, she and I took care of mom . I have a older brother but I never hear much from him.

I work as a nurse and take care of mom with Alzheimer's I truly am alone. I understand how you feel I love mom and will not put her in a nursing home.

My health suffers but caring for mom is my top priority. I never married and have no children, hugs to all us caregivers .

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No One Understands.
by: Anonymous

One day all of these not so caring who have their own children will get old and guess what? They will go through what they've put their parents through.

Have faith everyone.

If you have done your bit, you will reap the rewards. If you have decided it's not your responsibility, it will not be your children's either. KARMA its simple.

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Teacher
by: Anonymous

I feel your pain. I am in the same situation. If I had brothers, I would drive to their home and drop off mom.

It's their responsibility just as much as it's yours. Do this matter-of-fact and say you are going shopping and you will return in a few hours. Then go home and take a nap!

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"Reap What you Grow".
by: Anonymous

When are people with this problem going to realize
the world is not"peachy-hunky-Dorie". In others words. The woman asking one of the brothers to talk to another brother, so she can take TIME OFF?

You need to take off that "Boo hoo" attitude, and you go demanding, help from these "do not give a rats", selfish people. Hello, they are not children anymore. Too bad. Who's fault is it. The mother! I, know you love your children, blah, blah, blah.

The worst thing is trying to keep a family united throughout the years. Hey your children are grown up. It makes them more dangerous. Here is what you can do, and watch the results, from each one of them.

A "will", then a little rumor, If you didn't help mom during times of illness...you know what I, mean. GOOD LUCK, GOD HELP THOSE who care for mom.

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Mom
by: Anonymous

I'm a 44 year old disabled women caring for my 85 year old mother (I have various chronic medical conditions, severe chronic pain, and I use a walker and I cannot stand for more than 10 minutes at a time).

I have a sister who passed a year and a half ago from cancer, my father passed from cancer 4 years ago, and I have 2 surviving sisters.

One of them is neglecting my mom and does nothing for her and rarely calls her. My other surviving sister is verbally and financially abusive to my mother, implies that my mother is going insane, treats her like a child, and she is very controlling.

I very rarely speak to either of my sisters. I do the most for my mother while my abusive other sister claims she does, that she's sick (she's a hypochondriac), and now she's threatening to "walk away" and move to Vancouver to be with her daughter.

She wants to be there by July 2014. This sister was a single mom by choice (she got pregnant by a married man) and came home knocked up and my parents have done a lot for her and my niece over the years.

I think it's disgusting that she wants to abandon my mother (who has early stage dementia) who lives on her own still in her condo. My sister wants to just stick her in a nursing home so that she can run off and do what she wants (she claims this is not true).

My mom already lost one daughter to illness and I think it's horrible that my sister wants to take off and do what she wants and her daughter supports it. My sister claims I don't visit my mom enough or do as much for her as she does.

Yep, I feel so alone caring for my mom but she needs me and she's always been there for me. Needed to vent.

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No family--period
by: Anonymous

My mom had moderate Alzheimer's and had been with me the past 8 months.My only sibling, brother passed this year and my sister in law had told me she was responsible also for mom.

I thought she would help. She told me right after brother passed that he had left me and mom some money. He was much better off financially than me and he had also told me he was leaving money for mom, but that his wife could change it. I never heard from probate,etc and she said she "misspoke", but that if I ever needed help she would.

When I called her to ask if brother left any money to help with assisted living---she stated well, lets see, you sold her trailer. I got a bit 7 thousand dollars and have put 2 thousand toward funeral and have been paying for daycare so I can get some peace of mind.

Anyway, she said to use money from trailer and her social security check and whatever is left shell pay half. My brother quoted me that he was leaving 160 thousand for mom.

Long story short I am having no contact with her since she is being stingy bitch and brother left everything in will to her.

I think she has NPD because very controlling stingy and thinks she is always right. We had words and she said she wasn't speaking to me any more . this was to get out of taking any responsibility to help with mom. I have been under enough stress.

I am 62 years old , divorced and no children, just a few good friends who have been more help than her. I hate to go nursing home, but she will qualify for Medicaid, there.

I hate my sister in law and even have anger at my dead brother for leaving her in control of everything. I do hope what goes around, comes around . Please tell me she will get her due.

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Hostel vs Nursing Home
by: Finally free

There's a big difference between a nursing home and a retirement home or hostel. It's all about the level of care. If your mother is able to do things for herself then she is probably 'low care' and could be quite happy in a hostel. Then she has health and care assistance available, should she wish it, but she'd still have a large measure of independence.

Look into it, as I know a number of people in their 80s who have resisted the idea and then ended up actually enjoying the community atmosphere and making new friends.

As to her drinking, if family members were bringing her back to such a place, they'd be less likely to return her half-tanked!

I seriously suggest you do some research into what's available, and then get her assessed by a government aged health care person (low care or high care) so you can go from there.

Even if you don't want to proceed at this stage, at least you'll know what her options are. Good luck.

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Like me I have 9 siblings
by: Anonymous

I care for my mother two ,she has a few health issues but is really good when she is doing things she likes to do.

I too have tried with the help off my eldest brother for help from the family,but some of them think she should be in a nursing home,so I don't look forward to when they come to take her out for Lunch.

There's usually about 10 including partners and grand kids .there usually only gone for about 2 1/2 hrs and bring her home drunk upset because we don't all see eye to eye on were she should be, she doesn't want to go into a nursing home while she can still do things for her self.

I wish I new what I could do about it ,she has heart problem and they all know ,the just say she's 85 and how cares how much she drinks! I only want what's best for her ,were can I find the answer ?

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I Know What you all are Dealing With
by: Anonymous

I cared for both my grandparents. Grandma died of cancer at home. Grandpa is still going. His kids don't call or visit nothing. They are all drunks and into drugs.

I been caring for them for over ten years now total. I wouldn't wish this on anybody. My grandparents were abusive to their children that's why they don't help. I am 34 years old a family of my own and I have yet to enjoy my life.

Husband works and I care for grandpa and the children. He's more work than the kids. He argues about everything. Never has anything good to say about anyone. He was a real bad drunk until he got sick years ago. All his bar friends are Gods and what they have said over the years is true and facts, and everybody else is a liar.

He has no respect I run him everywhere he can't drive he's 82 and has a ton of health issues. My husband and I get no respect for what we do for him. He lives with us and my husband covers a lot of his bills. When we are not around he bashes us to no end. He is a mean hateful man. I love him he's grandpa but if I had to do it all over again I would have run. We all deserve our own life.

There is no way you can care for yourself like you need to when you are caring for an elderly parent. God bless you all!

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I Commiserate
by: Finally free

Burned out - You sound like you're the only decent member of your family and I hope your mother appreciates that. You are to be commended for your efforts and care.

Is there any reason why your mother cannot go into care? I don't know which country you are in but, in Australia, a client can be state-funded in care, if a carer (on a carer's pension) has been living with them for two years.

If the client's house is ever sold, the money cannot be taken by the nursing home but is kept by the client.

It's good that you're finally accessing those facilities available to you, though you may find it takes time to discover all that you're entitled to.

Keep talking to government departments and other organisations and utilise whatever you can.. the job is hard enough and you deserve the breaks. Good luck!

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And So It Goes.....
by: Burned Out

I'm a 48 year old guy taking care of my 88 year old mother. I have 3 older brothers (If you want to call them that) that do absolutely nothing.

In fact, they don't even talk to my Mom. The oldest one has a wife that doesn't allow him to speak to any of his family members. he hung up on me when I was 22 and I called him to let him know I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.

He said: "The doctors will take care of you: and then hung up the phone. Didn't go to my dad's funeral but was there for the estate matters.

Hasn't talked to Mom in over 40 years.
Moron#2 owned a house with my Mom (after she gave him $40K for his down payment).

Years later when she was retired, she asked him to buy her out so she could use her share of the house to live off of. He said he couldn't afford to and refused to sell. I called him and told him either he gets Mom her money of he takes care of her and I'll pass the reigns to him. He sold and we found out later he put the house 80% in his name and 20% in her (was supposed to be (50/50).

Moron #3 forged my name on mortgage papers and was kicked out of a house deal. I guess he blamed Mom because he got caught (by her).

Needless to say, I do it all. Dress her, make her meals etc....I have to start using resources to assist me I caring for her as things are becoming overwhelming.

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Look after Yourself First
by: Finally free

I read these comments and find myself saying "Yes! I know exactly what you mean!"
Seven years ago, I put all my things in storage and moved interstate to care for my parents. My mother had had a stroke six months before, then my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

I didn't want them to be split up after 50 years of marriage, so I offered to look after them both until Dad died.

He passed away 3 months later, but I ended up staying on for 5 years to look after my mother.

As a teacher, I did substitute teaching when I could but it wasn't always easy, as Mum had extremely limited mobility and I had to set everything up for her so she could manage for the hours I was away. Then I would arrive home and my 'second shift' of work would begin.

For all that time, I had no social life, as I couldn't go out in the evenings and most of my friends lived back interstate anyway. My elder sister, who is married with then teenage daughters, lived 2 hours away but helped out when she could, taking Mum for a week or two occasionally.

My younger brother, however, gave me a couple of weekends off at the start, then refused to do any more, saying his weekends were 'precious to him'. Over the years, I watched him go on holidays and cruises with his girlfriend, get married and have a baby, whilst I remained stuck in my mother's house with no life of my own.

In the fifth year, my beloved dog died of cancer and I snapped, ending up on anti-depressants. Finally, Mum agreed to go into a nursing home, and I was 'free', though still had to stay until the house was sold, as years of living on a carer's pension had left me broke. This took 2 more years, with the house finally selling 3 months ago.

I am still struggling to get my life back together financially, and I found out tonight that my brother has persuaded Mum to buy him a new camper trailer!

My point in all this (apart from venting!)is that you have to look after yourself first. Your own life is not worth less than your parent's, and you deserve to live it. Don't end up in a mess of depression like I did, because it nearly finished me. There are people who are prepared to dedicate their lives professionally to caring for the elderly and we shouldn't feel guilty admitting our parents into their care.

Mum, by the way, has settled quite happily into her nursing home and, now that I'm no longer doing all her rather unpleasant personal chores, seems to feel she has a bit of her pride back when she sees me.

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I Want to Pull my Hair Out!
by: Anonymous

My father had three strokes, nearly blind and on dialysis 3x a week. He is not able to cook or drive. Also, not able to take a shower by himself. He uses a walker to get around. My mother works full time just like me.

I have a 7 year old son and husband, who both try to help as much as possible. My mother works the graveyard shift so when I get home I have to watch him and make his meals and snacks. I'm not able to go out and do things until the weekends.

I have two brothers older than me that only calls for money or when they have problems with their spouses. They use their kids to get money from my mom. Sometimes these jerks call when they're freaking drunk screaming at their spouses and saying they are moving back home! Really???? What home, you don't have one here with us!!

They only speak to my mom saying they want to come home, knowingly they can live here for free since my mom babies them like crazy! Ive been doing everything I can and my brothers never send any money to my parents EVER or even call to wish them a happy birthday!!!

They don't like to work as well. I'm exhausted and frustrated. So my mom calls me the BAD EVIL one since I don't care for my brothers! My husband has to put up with her, especially doing her damn immigration stuff and social security benefits. My brothers like to twist my mothers brain and act like they're angels.

They have not spoken to my father for so many years because my dad will put them in their place. But once they found out that he is now really sick they been calling my mom and acting sweet to live with us since my dad is not able to do anything now.

My dad is now forgetting a lot of things now and my mom is not doing anything to help him. My husband and I are thinking of leaving once my dad passes. I will not be able to tolerate my mom and my brothers. She will have to learn the hard way once she sees the two ungrateful beings she has created.

Today, my older brother calls telling my mom that she is now a grandmother again...he is freaking 46 years old having a child when he gave up on his three kids with his first wife. He did not want to be a dad but instead become a so called biker running a club that does nothing good!

Once I leave this house, I will not see my mother again. I know that's harsh but she has put me down too much and now tries to do that to my own son! I do separate him from her because he does not need to hear negative words from his own grandmother. I need to get my life back on track and be the wife and a mother to my own family.

I want happiness for my own family and enjoy life together. I thank Jesus for always helping me through this situation, it is hard for me. Thanks to my husband and son for holding my hand and letting my tears fall on their shoulders.

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I Can Relate
by: I"m so tired

I can relate to all of these stories in some way or another. I care for my mom who is in advance stages of dementia. She no longer can clean herself or brush her teeth. I do all of this for her now.

It was a gradual decline that I did not realize in the last two years how much more I am doing for her. When she first moved in, she could walk around, brush her teeth, shower..etc. Then it became repetitive prompts then my hand on her hand and now, I'm doing it all. I'm exhausted.

But I don't see any suggestions on what we can do? Can I just tell my mom's doctor, I'm so tired, can I place her in a nursing home on her medi-medi? I don't have any money to pay for the nursing home.

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Join the Club
by: BDP

I have been taking care of Mom for over 10 yrs. She has Alzheimer's/Dementia. She keeps getting worse and I keep adapting.

My siblings have their own life's. My brother in particular told me "This is your choice." He is right and I don't regret it. I told my Mother years ago I would take care of her and would not put her in a home.

My siblings have never been helpful - they have never taken care of Mom even once. That's okay - I can deal with that. The problem is they talk a good game but always have an excuse. They can't even take the time to write or call or do anything.

My sister rarely visits and when she does always has other things to do. When my brother visits he is no help and ends up catching up with old friends. I do all the heavy lifting.

It would be nice if they called or even wrote a note or a card.

It's Christmas today. Christmas is my Mother's favorite time of year - (I hate it) Mom had a terrible day today. I've done everything I can from getting a tree to buying presents for everybody. My brother called at all the wrong times today, when he knows Mom is asleep. I told him when to call and told Mom that Mike would be calling. I even kept her up later than usual for the call and he never called. Son of a bitch!

My sister called as I was getting Mom to bed late we never talk and she never is here so I don't know if she is aware of Mom's schedule, unfortunately I assume the worst - I'm sorry but too late.

I'll bet you it sounds like I'm whining, but I'm not. I'm just tired of trying to make everything right.

You try 24/7 care sometime and then let me know...

Sincerely,

BDP

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Try to be Positive
by: carly

I find looking after my mum fulltime really difficult most of the time but I try to look on the bright side. She is very alert for her age {89} and we have good fun a lot of the time.

However, it would be nice to have a break sometimes. The rest of my brothers and 1 sister seem to think that she is my responsibility. What really annoys me is that she has willed her house which is worth a fair bit of money to my youngest brother whom she has always spoiled and he is fairly comfortably off.

It would be nice to get some recognition for all I am doing for her. She could not cope if I was not there for her but I come from a very old fashioned family where women were always subservient. It costs me a lot of money cooking for her and driving her to doctors appointments etc.

My husband is retired and I don't work so we are on a fairly tight budget. She lives alone but when the time comes when she cant cope they all take it for granted that she will move in with me and my husband. Just don't think it is fair but I love her so much I will probably give in.

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Alone and Depressed
by: Anonymous

I feel so alone and depressed most of the time. I take care of my 89 year old mum full time. I have 1 sister and 4 brothers but they only help occasionally. They seem to think for some reason that she is my responsibility.

When they visit I am expected to be there to cook for them. I feel as the eldest daughter I was earmarked for this role the day I was born. I have to make arrangements to get away for a break but they can go on holiday whenever they like.

My husband who is 65 retired recently and it would be lovely if we could be free to live life now as we wish having brought up our 3 sons who are living away from home.

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Well, I Did It.
by: Anonymous

My mother's brother told me not to and my mother-in-law said it was unfair to my husband and son, but I knew I had to at least try to take care of my mom. I wrote earlier comments that I and my brother and sister. were upon a decision of moving her permanently into a nursing home or into my home.

I did the wrong thing for me & my family and totally right thing for my mom. In one month, I have lost 17 pounds. I am sleep deprived because she wakes up almost every hour to use the commode and I have to help her because she forgets every time that it is right beside her bed.

I found a friend to help me (I pay her $10/hour), but my mother hates her, so when I actually do have something I can do outside of the home, I leave with a desperate feeling in my gut because my mom, and because of dementia, does not think she needs anyone to stay with her while I am gone so she is hateful to anyone I bring in to help.

She has lived in my home many times through many illnesses since my father died, but this time, because of dementia, she cannot remember where the bathroom is, even though I have taped an arrow from her bed directly to the toilet with blue painter's tape.

I work from my home and have to work into the wee hours of the morning to keep up because she requires EVERYTHING, from food to drink, to changing her clothes to bathing, from brushing her teeth to knowing if it is day or night despite the windows are open and the sun is shining in. She loves me as she always has, but this time, she isn't my mom--she is my child.

There are lucid moments when she knows this is hard on me, but if she really understood, she would be peaceful when I hire help, but she isn't. Everyone says ignore her, but really? This past 6 nights, she has been with my sister and I never understood freedom until now. Yes, I had a son, but a baby can be moved easily...in my arms.

To move my mom requires 50 foot oxygen cords attached to a large oxygen machine (yes, we have a portable one too), a commode, a lifted toilet seat, a shower seat, weeks of medication sorted out, a wheel chair, a walker...you know.

So when will my sister take her again? My mom will return soon, and I do not know when my next break will be. People say they will stop over, at their convenience, and then tell me to leave...and then sometimes they don't show when they say they will. There are so many of us out there doing this right now. Will we do this to our kids? No.

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Mom Never Liked Me..
by: Anonymous

Mom is 84..the apartment next to her came open 3 years ago and she wanted me to move to be near her & so she would not get a "Bad neighbor". I did....I love my Mother..I live right next door to her now..But my life ended the day I moved here..

I am 47 year old single female with my own health problems. I worked till I was finally put on disability. I have scoliosis and Tietes syndrome and I am allergic to pain medications so I'm in pain most all the time...I am the youngest of 5..four older brothers who live near her and sister-n laws. They are all doing well but never visit & rarely call..they actually put mothers day gifts on the porch and leave as they don't wanna visit..

She is always putting people down & always has something negative to say..always watching the neighbors..watching me..I get the brunt of all her frustrations and she's worn me down to 89 lbs ...constant bickering..nothing is ever right...never was...

She has always been hard to please and very immature..born in 1928 God Bless her but she is not educated. She dumbs me down sometimes and I can't think straight anymore...she will not socialize, play cards/games or do anything. I would love it if she would play cards or something with me. Ive gotten her paints & crafts..she tosses them aside and says I'm stupid for spending my money on junk..

I try to please to no avail....I can't have company as she will come over and ask questions & make everyone uncomfortable..so nobody comes to see me much anymore and I can't leave for more than 2 hours without her calling me..."Where are you what are you doing?",etc..

I cant argue with her shes 84! I am not thriving here at all. I'm actually going down mentally and physically..I have never caused any problems for her, I worked through college and after..for years at a orthotic/prosthetic lab.. worked very hard my whole life...never been in any trouble with the law or debt, but she treats me like I am the worst person on the planet!

She's always putting me down..my hair my clothes etc.."no I haven't combed my hair yet Mom it's 6:30am and I'm just letting the dogs out for a bit"..I have to explain every little thing I do...EVERY DAY...

I'm wanting to move so bad..But then I feel I'm failing her...I'm losing my mind..I'm trapped...I don't have any children and I guess my family thinks since they do that I should do it all..I'm finding that I can't and I've never felt so alone in my life..

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What Can I Do ?
by: fed up

I am married to a 59 year old man who is an only son, his mother is 85...for the most part she is healthy , but being 85 , she has dementia and beginning stages of Alzheimer's.

My husband works 50 to 60 hours a week I am a stay at home wife, I had a great job before I married 8 years ago but the travel time to and back would not be worth it. My mother in law is the typical mother in law, as she wants only the attention of her son. They have a strained relationship as she was too overprotective and it drove him crazy. She had a husband that waited on her hand and foot, had dinner cooked for her brought to her, the house cleaned....everything done for her.

She can no longer live in her home because of mold issues, when the care givers who were taking care of her kicked her out she went to an assisted living home. They asked her to leave as well as she is hateful, she curses at you, she wants to be in control.

She also hits and kicks, needless to say they called my husband and said you need to take her home with you....I was against this, he didn't discuss this with me. He told she was coming and that I would be the one to take care of her as He couldn't quit working, if he did we would loose everything!!!!!

I am angry, I feel like a caged animal ready to pounce on her, I hate her and that's a strong word. She is manipulative and all her friends and family that she has left won't have anything to do with her. Are there any suggestions, as I'm trying but I am killing myself.

My doctor said to me last week, you are on the verge of a heart attack I have high blood pressure, I'm over weight have high cholesterol and am very hypertensive.

Our house is so small the only bathroom is in my bedroom, when I try to go relax she is in there every 15 to 20 minutes....I'm ready to take my own life....I'm very serious....any suggestions would be helpful....

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It has Always Been Me.
by: Me too

My mom has always lived with me during illness (breast cancer, broken bones, severe cold, a fractured back, death of 2 children...I can go on but I won't).

I move her in and fix her up and move her back home. Recently, she suffered a stroke which impaired her vision, zapped her strength and robbed her of her short-term memory). She is 83.

She thinks she can go home alone, but she cannot. They say dementia is part of all of this and I do not deny that although I tried to for several years).

The last stroke ended her in a nursing home for rehabilitation. I am told that she has less than 2 weeks left for rehabilitation and then we must admit her or move her home. I cannot look at her and tell her I will not rescue her. I have to at least try.

My brother and sister say to take her social security check as payment, but after reading multiple personal stories, I am finding that it cannot be done. I can pay a licensed in-home care person, but I cannot pay myself.

My goal was to hire a couple of adult friends who have retired to help me and pay them $10/hour, but can I? What can I do? If I can't pay myself, can I pay a neighbor to help me? I still have a full-time job.

If I/we put mom in the nursing home, her life savings will be gone in less than 8 months. I can care for her for a very long time on the amount of money the nursing home will require.

I would not take the money, but my brother and sister do not really want to participate. So is it fair that I do this all by myself? My sister will take her or is willing to help me, but she knows as I know that mom has always ended up with me during any crisis...mostly because I live closer to her and her doctors. I am the baby. I had her to myself when the rest of my siblings were all born close together. It makes sense.

What is wrong with this government? Why do the ones who are willing to take on the responsibility have to be afraid to pay themselves? Isn't it enough just to take care of a ill and aging parent that we have to be afraid on top of it?

So if I keep mom, I have to really keep her in order to be paid because if she does have to go into a nursing home when it is really bad, the government will come and get me.

I know, hire a lawyer...but can someone shed any light on how I can care for her and get paid a small amount? My time has to be worth something.

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Elderly Mother & Children
by: Anonymous

Unfortunately many children with elderly parents could not care less about them. If you ask Nursing Home Staff what happens when a Relative(s) is advised that their Parent is close to Death they start visiting their Parent.

They ask questions about the Will, have suggested Will to be changed to benefit them, etc. Nursing Staff said it is disgusting the way older Children treat their Parents they want the money......assets=greed.

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What is it with Brothers?
by: Anonymous

I too, relate to your story. I have brothers in in town whom I love very much, but when it comes to any direct hands on care taking of my 80 year old mother who is in very ill health and who I live with and take care of, forget it.

It doesn't even occur to them that I might need a "break." It's hard to get your mind around knowing that they will never understand how much you do. I can't talk to my brothers either, when I try I automatically hear the defensiveness in their voices, and I know they do that to keep their distance.

My heart goes out to you and all of us - it's overwhelming to see how many of us are out there. We have to keep going somehow because we've chosen to help those who can't help themselves anymore. Strength to all of us.

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I am 70, she is 96
by: exhausted_one

My heart goes out to you -- it's amazing what you are doing. My elderly mother lives with me and refuses to acknowledge that (at 70) I am an elderly woman.

I am preparing to give up. I have a Geriatric Case Manager who told me as soon as I am ready, she will be placed in a facility that accepts Medicare/Medicaid.

It's sad, but some mothers will not treat their elderly daughters like human beings.

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Fighting the Battle
by: Tamara

OMG: I could not believe what I was reading. As if I was reading my life. I'm in the same situation. Only I can't work anymore due to my mother's mid stage Alzheimer's.

My brother has his life and doesn't even call. And my older sister is in denial and tells everyone how I don't care for my mother the right way and is worried about what she should get when our mother passes. Which she has been diagnosed with short term memory and she is fighting us all the way. It's a nightmare dealing with siblings.

At least in my family my niece and mother older friend help us out more. Which I'm very grateful for. I've had to make all the decisions, financial, funeral and health care push doctors to set up for better treatments and medication.

They wanted no part of it. Just wait til she passes. And I have put her on herbal which is helping and using Virgin coconut oil 2 tbsp a day which is helping her memory.

So I do meditation and (EFT) tapping to try and keep myself sane.
Soon I will have to make the decision to get her on the nursing home list. For it is taking it's toll on me and it's now been 6yrs.

This experience will only make you a strong and better person. And what you have given your mother in her final years. You and your mom will have the love and knowing that she wasn't alone.

So cherish what you are doing and god will be there to bless you.

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Burned out too!
by: Marianne

Hello, I know exactly how you feel and you are not alone. Your story is my story.

Yes, this too will end and you and I will get our lives back. Take care when ever you can, and DON'T feel guilty...I am trying that for myself.
Best Wishes!

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