I feel Frustration, which Causes Resentment then I feel Guilty for Feeling that Way!
by Carolyn Davis
My Mother is a great person. I owe her... in this life and maybe others. She had always been needy even when I was a child.
I have tried to stay close to her since I am her only child.
She lives with me now. She has always has a way of getting on my very last nerve. She still does. I love her...but...I spend to much time in the bathroom talking my self into trying to be appropriate. Sometimes I have no choice but to go to my room to put some space between myself and her. Our energy just clashes.. she seems to not notice!!! In fact she seems to enjoy trying to make me play mental jumping jacks!!! Now she has dementia not so much as she would pretend at times..
My daughter ,she is seventeen. We have a good relationship most of the time. She watches Mom while I am at work at night. My mother drives her crazy but she is respectful and helpful to her. She says she can't wait to leave home...she is already planning to find a job and move out. My son is no help with Mom, his only concern is about himself, if he could have my mother take care of him, he would...he lives in her old house which she approved, he pays for nothing...but that is another story...His sister takes care of her sometimes... but I feel it is out of duty more than pleasure. Her other sister does not call or visit.
I try to do
everything I think I am supposed to and let her know she is loved. Even though sometimes I am frustrated and angry I do not let her see it.
I have no relationship which is fine, (if someone can't understand that I can't do some things because of my obligations then I don't need that type of person in my life)...but I have no time to even find a person who may be willing to work with my situation. I have not friends to come over, most of them are married and don't have want to come hang out at he house. I would like some emotional support..some one to say ... something nice, or care if I breath air on the planet!!!
Sometimes I just want to forget about everything and everybody, go to a mountain top...sit on a rock... and look far off in to the sky...watch the moon rise..feel the wind blow...and hear the sounds of crickets and critters...and forget I am a human being... maybe just be a leaf in the wind ..floating..floating..free and happy!!!
Back to reality...Nothing is ever as bad as it seems ..till you are going through it.!!!!!!
My advice...Make up a word ..that means all the things you want to say but cant....use it OFTEN!!
Take time to meditate...take bubble baths....play the music you like as loud as you want at least once a week..
Tell yourself you are a good person and mean it..
Be your own best friend....
Forgive yourself and others...
Laugh Often...even at yourself...(smile) someone loves you!