I don't Like Who I've Become.
(Redding, California, USA)
I’m 50 years old. After years of struggles, I was finally at a place where I was happy. My oldest son is in the Army, my other son is a fire fighter and my daughter is going through Nursing School. That changed when my father died.
Now 7 months later at her house, in the country, I get up in the morning and I hear about every bad thing that has happened, who was raped, who got killed, the bad economy. I hear about how she did not sleep, how she walked the floor, how her back hurts, how her stomach hurts, every ache and pain. She had a physical and she is in excellent shape. At 80 yrs she only takes Tylenol. She says she too frail and old to stay by herself and refuses to. My dad use to wait on her every need.
When I get home from work, she starts up about everyone and everything. While I cook dinner nightly, she complains. There is not ONE positive thing she says. She opens the bathroom door when I’m showering and she opens the bedroom door when I'm changing. There is no PRIVACY.
She tells me when she dies Just put her ashes with my dad’s then throw them in the sewer for all she cares. She says this all the time. I never yell at her, I listen to her, I cook for her, I remind her to take a bath, I listen to her when she gets everyone mixed up. WITHOUT complaining to her. I pay for everything and only ask for $600 from her 1,200 Social
Security. I paid the property taxes. I buy the food. I pay the bills, I take her out to eat. When she gives her money to my nephews and nieces while I’m not there. I tell her to stop she says, “It’s my money. I can to what I want.”
I miss my life & my townhouse in the city. I want to be able to take a walk early in the morning; I want to be able to go to walk to the movies when I feel like it; I want to be able to quilt in peace, I want my small garden back. I miss my townhouse. I receive no help from anyone. Why do I have to take care of her? When I told her my uncle was touching me - she called me a liar. When I was abused by my ex-husband & when I finally left and went to the shelter – she told me to deal with it. When I had breast cancer - she told me it’s your problem. NOW I HAVE TO HELP HER without complaint.
No one helped me when I needed it, but now I’m suppose to Suck it up and deal? How do I deal? What do I do? I’m really starting to hate my own mother, when before I just didn’t care one way or another.
I use to be a positive person. I use to see positive with the negative. My favorite quote was For negative there is a positive. When a door closes a window opens.
Now, I'm beginning to think I was wrong. Where is the positive now?