I don't Like Who I've Become.

by Roberta
(Redding, California, USA)

I’m 50 years old. After years of struggles, I was finally at a place where I was happy. My oldest son is in the Army, my other son is a fire fighter and my daughter is going through Nursing School. That changed when my father died.

Now 7 months later at her house, in the country, I get up in the morning and I hear about every bad thing that has happened, who was raped, who got killed, the bad economy. I hear about how she did not sleep, how she walked the floor, how her back hurts, how her stomach hurts, every ache and pain. She had a physical and she is in excellent shape. At 80 yrs she only takes Tylenol. She says she too frail and old to stay by herself and refuses to. My dad use to wait on her every need.

When I get home from work, she starts up about everyone and everything. While I cook dinner nightly, she complains. There is not ONE positive thing she says. She opens the bathroom door when I’m showering and she opens the bedroom door when I'm changing. There is no PRIVACY.

She tells me when she dies Just put her ashes with my dad’s then throw them in the sewer for all she cares. She says this all the time. I never yell at her, I listen to her, I cook for her, I remind her to take a bath, I listen to her when she gets everyone mixed up. WITHOUT complaining to her. I pay for everything and only ask for $600 from her 1,200 Social
Security. I paid the property taxes. I buy the food. I pay the bills, I take her out to eat. When she gives her money to my nephews and nieces while I’m not there. I tell her to stop she says, “It’s my money. I can to what I want.”

I miss my life & my townhouse in the city. I want to be able to take a walk early in the morning; I want to be able to go to walk to the movies when I feel like it; I want to be able to quilt in peace, I want my small garden back. I miss my townhouse. I receive no help from anyone. Why do I have to take care of her? When I told her my uncle was touching me - she called me a liar. When I was abused by my ex-husband & when I finally left and went to the shelter – she told me to deal with it. When I had breast cancer - she told me it’s your problem. NOW I HAVE TO HELP HER without complaint.

No one helped me when I needed it, but now I’m suppose to Suck it up and deal? How do I deal? What do I do? I’m really starting to hate my own mother, when before I just didn’t care one way or another.

I use to be a positive person. I use to see positive with the negative. My favorite quote was For negative there is a positive. When a door closes a window opens.

Now, I'm beginning to think I was wrong. Where is the positive now?

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You are not alone
by: Anonymous

Thanks for sharing. I feel the same way about my mother. I am the dutiful daughter. I have been looking after my mother my whole life, she would never let me have my own. I moved way and she followed me wherever I went.

I have never married and am an only child with no family. She is a very dominant person and I have been looking after her for 4 years now. Shes had a ascending aortic dissection, heart attack and stroke now she us well and wont accept outside care or go to a home.

I have sacrificed my youth and employment for her because I loved her and wanted to do right by her. All my friends say I have given and given above & beyond and it us affecting my health. Now all we do is fight. She calls me an ingrate and is now going to sell all her jewelry because she doesn't want me to have it.

I feel very angry because she is taking back all her promises. She doesn't pay me and expects me to pay my own way to entertain her. It's all so convoluted.

Anyway, I don't love her anymore and I'm not going to look after anymore my life is miserable, and I deserve to be happy and so do you. We have to walk away and know that we deserve better. Good luck and hugs to you.

Hugs to You
by: Anonymous

Hugs to you from me.....I understand having come to hate my own mother...the burden of caregiver and what she has "taken" from me and my family has caused me to resent her immensely....

I like you struggle with the "where is the positive"....I have no idea and I search for it constantly. I search for someplace to put this anger and resentment. I did the right thing for the right reason and I feel I am being punished for it....sometimes I feel like I could literally explode.

I wish I had answers but I don't....your honesty helps me understand that it is not just me and that I am not a bad person because I feel this way....I wish I had answers for both of us...I wish I had solutions but like you, I am searching.

Everyone says I need to put her in a nursing home but I have yet been able to make myself do that....at this point, I beg people NOT to make the mistake that I have made in taking her into my own home and giving up MY life to try to make HERS better...the trade off is not worth it from where I sit...and it sounds like it is not worth it for you either....

Super hugs to you.....would that we lived close enough together to SHARE these two women and give each other a break from time to time....

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