I Dont Know What To Do Anymore ?

by indiechick
(London)

I am 21 and I live in London with my dad who has(COPD). My dad was diagnosed when I was about 16-17. I was in college and I had my whole life ahead of me but it soon turned my life upside down.


I had to end up leaving college because our benefits where cut of my dad just ended up getting worse because he never give up smoking he just carried on. When I was 19 I had no choice but to start signing on because my old college kicked me out because I couldn't concentrate on my work because I was looking after my dad.

Then they told the rest of the colleges around me "don't bother enrolling her she can't do any work because she is to busy looking after her dad" so my education has stopped from then on.

I have talked to many people about my situation and they all say "what are you his house wife or his mother"? because my everyday life is...get up make him a coffee argue, because its not hot enough or I've left the cigarettes all the way over the other side of the room clean when I have the mental energy to push my self through the day pick gobby tissues off the floor....basically you get the drift.

I do absolutely every thing and he don't even try to help himself any more. I think to myself sometimes you are not my dad where has my dad gone.

My dad before the illness was the most lovely person u ever met...all ways wanted to have a laugh and would do anything to help u even if he don't know u that well he would still help u but now there is a shell of a man that I don't even know anymore because he has given up in life and he is just waiting to die. I don't know if I can be dragged down anymore.

All I want to do is go to uni like all my friends instead of sitting in all day watching the world go by.....I often think of jumping on a train and leave everyone behind but I love my family too much to leave them behind.

I can't get my own flat because I'm signing on and I'm under 25 and David Cameron's fantastic new law has kept me here for at least another 4 years.

I think mainly the reason why I am so angry is because of how his selfishness has dragged me down. He don't even care plus the fact that I have helped for so long and he don't help him self (by exercising or stop smoking or cleaning up after himself especially how he talks to me everyday).

I tell you this as someone who was diagnosed with depression by the age of 19 it is hard and also lonely.

I don't get out much as a normal 21 old should do and I don't eat properly.... my life is passing me day bye day and I'm just stuck in a very dark place.

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