I Don't Apologize Either
After reading these posts, there are so many of us out there. Different cities, different parent perhaps, different personality circumstances and yet things in common - watching our own lives slip away, consumed by absolute pure rage, and no answer to the horrible existence we live in except death.
I'm with my mom 24/7 and I have no siblings. She refuses to let anyone stay with her so I can get out and if I do that, I am treated horribly for days as my punishment. She can't remember when she last took a crap, but by God she'll remember to be mad. So I allow the control to continue because to not do so just makes it worse and more uncomfortable.
I set my alarm every day for 2:30 AM. I do that so I can have at least some alone time before she gets up. I sit out here at my computer desk in the dark catching up on news and Facebook and when I hear the bell on her walker shake I know she's up and going to the bathroom.
I turn off my computer screen and sit in total darkness praying, just praying that she goes back to bed. Please don't take my hour, it's so precious to me.
I can't even explain the disappointment when that bell rings and I know she is staying up. All I can do is curse because the day begins and I don't want it to. Some days she sleeps a little later and my eyes keep darting to the clock as I will admit that I hope "today is the day" I won't hear that bell.
The bell rings louder which means I want my coffee. I try to not slam her cup down on the counter and break it, but the rage is simmering already. I try to paste my fake smile on when I take her coffee to her, otherwise it's a continual what's wrong? Are you
Everything must be the same, day after day after day. Peanut butter on toast, more coffee, nap at noon (and she won't nap if I don't) so I sit in my room to make sure she takes one because I need the time away from her. There can never be a day where I stay in pajamas and curl up on the couch to watch a movie.
Those days of self comfort are over for they invite too many questions. Are you sick? Are you having a spell? WTF is a spell???? Doing anything I want to do is just not worth it. I live for going to get the mail. It's a walk of about a minute and if I dawdle, oh heaven forbid. Why were you gone so long? Who were you talking to?
I'm 64 and took early retirement. I have a bad back (and I mean bad) and to not even comfort your own body when you need to just increases the rage. Your own wants and needs are just never met.
I live in such fear that this will go on a long time and then I will be her and I then I dump my crappy self on my own daughter and all these years, the last productive years of my life will just melt away. It is so very, very sad.
Someday when "today is the day" I swear I will take that bell off her walker, take it out to the driveway and with a hammer beat the living hell out of it.
Just pulverize it into nothing. People would think me crazy to do that, but it will be my rage release that day and I am so looking forward to it. All I can hope is that I am not so old and feeble I can't lift the hammer.
Thank you all for listening to me ramble on. Some days you just have to and I know most of you understand.