I Don't Apologize Either

by Anonymous

After reading these posts, there are so many of us out there. Different cities, different parent perhaps, different personality circumstances and yet things in common - watching our own lives slip away, consumed by absolute pure rage, and no answer to the horrible existence we live in except death.

I'm with my mom 24/7 and I have no siblings. She refuses to let anyone stay with her so I can get out and if I do that, I am treated horribly for days as my punishment. She can't remember when she last took a crap, but by God she'll remember to be mad. So I allow the control to continue because to not do so just makes it worse and more uncomfortable.

I set my alarm every day for 2:30 AM. I do that so I can have at least some alone time before she gets up. I sit out here at my computer desk in the dark catching up on news and Facebook and when I hear the bell on her walker shake I know she's up and going to the bathroom.

I turn off my computer screen and sit in total darkness praying, just praying that she goes back to bed. Please don't take my hour, it's so precious to me.

I can't even explain the disappointment when that bell rings and I know she is staying up. All I can do is curse because the day begins and I don't want it to. Some days she sleeps a little later and my eyes keep darting to the clock as I will admit that I hope "today is the day" I won't hear that bell.

The bell rings louder which means I want my coffee. I try to not slam her cup down on the counter and break it, but the rage is simmering already. I try to paste my fake smile on when I take her coffee to her, otherwise it's a continual what's wrong? Are you

Everything must be the same, day after day after day. Peanut butter on toast, more coffee, nap at noon (and she won't nap if I don't) so I sit in my room to make sure she takes one because I need the time away from her. There can never be a day where I stay in pajamas and curl up on the couch to watch a movie.

Those days of self comfort are over for they invite too many questions. Are you sick? Are you having a spell? WTF is a spell???? Doing anything I want to do is just not worth it. I live for going to get the mail. It's a walk of about a minute and if I dawdle, oh heaven forbid. Why were you gone so long? Who were you talking to?

I'm 64 and took early retirement. I have a bad back (and I mean bad) and to not even comfort your own body when you need to just increases the rage. Your own wants and needs are just never met.

I live in such fear that this will go on a long time and then I will be her and I then I dump my crappy self on my own daughter and all these years, the last productive years of my life will just melt away. It is so very, very sad.

Someday when "today is the day" I swear I will take that bell off her walker, take it out to the driveway and with a hammer beat the living hell out of it.

Just pulverize it into nothing. People would think me crazy to do that, but it will be my rage release that day and I am so looking forward to it. All I can hope is that I am not so old and feeble I can't lift the hammer.

Thank you all for listening to me ramble on. Some days you just have to and I know most of you understand.

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I feel your rage
by: Anonymous

No one needs to apologize. It’s hard enough when you are the one that a parent only leans on for both their emotional and physical needs.

Though I’m 43 I’ve been looking after my mother’s emotionally unmet needs since I was 16. Her health has taken a downturn in her 50’s and I have returned home at the peak of my adulthood to stay with her since my own mid 30’s. It’s been hard.

I struggle with guilt and resentment. I cannot say anything negative to her about how I feel because she says she’ll never talk to me again when I try to tell her how I feel.

But yet she expects me to listen to her old hidden resentments and anger at her own family and expects me to play the middle person in all family dialogues. It’s hard for me to have friends.

I cannot just go anywhere at the drop of a hat like most people. My brother and sister in law don’t participate in her healthcare. I am alone. Never had anyone in my life to lean on. And I have severe anxiety, depression and I suspect PTSD. I know exactly how you feel.

I can’t offer any solutions but I want you to know I see your struggle and I offer you a sense of community here. You’re so not alone. Thank you for being there even if no one else around you sees you. I do. And I send strength and love your way.

She is scared too
by: Anonymous

Wow! tough story. As somebody that works with seniors on a regular basis, I can tell you, that your mother is trying to control you, because you are all that is left to her control. Your rolls, have totally flipped.

Your guilt, is all she has left to work with. For your own piece of mind, it is ground rule time. It is time to let mom know, you no longer intend to be miserable in your own home.

She can become part of a solution, OR, she must leave! I also suggest, you find a senior center in your county. try to find some activity for mom, that gives you some free time. This again, should be non negotiable.

All I suggest on your part, is that you remember, this scares her too. (This is what we are going to try, so as that you can continue to live here.)

Get Help
by: Greenacres

I agree withe the anonomous person, WHO CARES who is with her, you need help and the rage is very bad for you if you have to hold it in. I used to let the guilt consume me for all the terrible things that sometimes come out of my mouth even though I speak the truth.

I'm very close with my mom and the deal is to let it out to each other because I WON'T have a fake relationship with anyone for that matter. When I lose my temper, it scares mom that I'll ask her to leave and then she gets fakey with me and I tell her to stop.

I don't hold a grudge, but am having a hard time with that concerning my 2 sisters. Dad died almost three years ago and he even said to mom they just want their money, true perhaps, but I won't go there. I HATE TALKING ABOUT WILLS. I just want my mom to be happier but she feels my sisters don't really want her around.

I moved her into my home and there have been major adjustments. You do WHATEVER you have to do to get some alone time. I get up a 4 am just for that purpose. THAT'S TWO HOURS FOR TONI!!! yayyyy

Will She Ever Die?
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel exactly. I get up at 5AM to have my time. I hate the sound of that walker rolling into the kitchen. Today she’s up at 7am sitting right here next to me burping rudely as she drinks her coffee.

She’s lost all sense of decency. When she stands up to walk past me, she rips out a long one, level with my face. Lately she’s been pooping her pants at 10pm at night just when we’re going to bed so I have to get her in the shower. She’s 97. I’ve been here with her seven long years. How much longer?
My code word to send off this message is "expire".
How appropriate is that!

I understand
by: Anonymous

I understand what you're feeling, as I am going through something similar.
Unlike you, I do have siblings but they live in different states and have excuses as to why they can't help. I have decided just to let them go.

The fact that you're feeling so much rage is a warning sign. You MUST get some time to yourself.
I don't want to sound harsh, but who cares if your mom doesn't want anyone else staying with her, get someone in there anyway. Tell her you need some time away and if she has a fit, so be it. It's just too bad. It's a matter of survival for you.

I am fortunate to have a loving and supportive husband, so that helps, but there are those times I feel like I have a conjoined twin and all I want to do is to be separated from her.

I never thought I would see the day that I started feeling hatred for my mom, but that's what's happening and I can't seem to stop it. Of course I feel guilty too, so it's a vicious cycle.

Anyway, I'm sorry for rambling. I just wanted to let you know someone understands and feels your pain and misery.

Hang in there, and please insist on time for yourself.

I Had to Draw A Deep Breath
by: Alexis

I know the rage very well. It has faded a bit in the past six months, but reading your post brought it all back. That's why I took a deep breath.

I didn't live with my mother, and I wouldn't let her live with me. But I KNOW exactly what you're talking about. This is torture. *Torture.* I had no siblings and no children of my own.

My mother hung on till 90 (July 2017), absolutely bonkers, and leaned on me with the full weight of her life and severe dementia.

Your mother's death *is* the only way out of this. Don't apologize. I hope your release comes soon.

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