I do the Housework and my Brother is Paid to Manage the Money

by Eve
(Florida)

Moved 2000 miles to help care for my mom. I retired early, my husband quit his job, we both draw on our 401k's and until my husband finds a job, we have yearly gifting from Mom. I own my condo, have a $500 monthly payment on a line of credit used to purchase it. I have been here five months. My younger brother lives here and did the day to day and the money management before I moved.

Now, I do most of the household stuff and he is paid to manage the money. Our relationship is full of tension now. It's a significant estate. My mom wants me there all the time. My husband is depressed and resents my brother.

My brother does not like him. He helps my mom a lot too. My mom shows little gratitude and tells me I am "here to care for her" every time I plan a day off. I prepare about 4-5 meals a week, collect mail each day, take her to medical, hair, nail appointments, grocery shop, and more.

My husband and I clean. I supervised new carpeting, floor replacement, etc. recently. I am at my wit's end.I love my mom, but my life is gone. I am in a beautiful place, but rarely get a chance to enjoy it. Help.

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Two Words: Hire Help
by: Anonymous

Who was doing all these duties before you got there?
Your brother? If so, then split them up and share them. If nobody, then hire help.

If your mom has such a large estate that your brother is paid to manage her money... Then use it on her! Stand up for yourself, open your mouth and communicate with him.

Don't just seethe with resentment while you and your husband submit to your brothers dictates. He sounds like a pompous bully.

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What Might Help
by: BH

I was in the same kind of situation, although my siblings were helpful and didn't question how I was managing our mother's care. Still, I discovered that caregiving soon robbed me of EVERYTHING about my own life.

I had a successful jewelry designing business, but no time to keep it going. Hence, my sense of purpose went out the window. I was chained to meeting my mother's needs, which became the number one priority.

My husband had died the year previous to my mother moving in, so I really thought I could manage the situation okay without someone else to think about. I was wrong.

I eventually sought a therapist's help and the number one thing he recommended was that I begin doing SOMETHING for my own benefit - spend a day with friends, take short trips (even if it was just a day out shopping or 2 day excursions to a place I enjoyed, etc.)

Doing some of those things didn't completely ease my mind, but it certainly helped. Had my husband still been alive, I know he would've reacted the way you say yours does. You owe him consideration, as well as yourself.

Please make time for yourselves. If needed, hire someone to come in and stay with your mother and don't ask, TELL your brother and mother that's just the way it is.

Good luck.

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Wow. At least you are not all alone
by: Karen

Each time I read the posts of other caregivers I think to myself - wow - I do all of that and I don't have my beautiful home anymore or my space or my life.

I'm learning to see the little blessings that I get every day and appreciate them - I walk my dads 2 elderly dogs and the 20 minutes out side with them is a relief.

When my dad goes to bed the rest of the night is peaceful and a relief - it sounds as though each of you have your own issues with each other but at least you have each other.

Imagine going thru this alone 24/7 with no help at all. Welcome to my world. I would try perhaps getting a schedule set in place so each of you can have some alone and quiet time - maybe the close quarters are closing in on you - I know I feel that way often.

This is such a hard job - being a caregiver - I have no idea how I'm doing this quite honestly - and you know it will only get worse not better. Oh joy - hang in there it's not forever. Well - that's what I tell myself. Sometimes it helps - sometimes I want to run away.

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