I Do All and Brother Just Visits Does Nothing Else

Mom lives in an independent living complex. Has a part time aide who is very kind, but needs much guidance. No long term care insurance.


I take care of medications, script renewals, finding Doctors. Transporting mom to all Dr appointments, buy clothes and other needs. Also take calls at all hours of day and night, food shop,monitor her oxygen and breathing treatments,arrange for help when no one can be there.

I see her at least three times a week either for Dr appointments X-rays, cat scans etc or just for company.

ALL I GET IS CRITICISM!!

My younger brother who is retired and owns a house near her does NOTHING. She thinks he is
The most wonderful human being. All he does is visit her for an hour. He is retired !!!

I got her an eldercare lawyer, I got her extra benefits, I opened her bank accounts. I deal with medicare and secondary insurance issues ..........get the picture.

I want to walk away from everything and let my brother take over but I feel very guilty. My mom and I were so close.
Help!

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My Brother Does Nothing
by: Anonymous

I've been caring for my 94 year old mother for 2 years in my home now. It seemed the right thing to do - moving her in here - after she fell and broke her shoulder.

Besides, my husband had died the prior year and I was all alone in my house which was equipped with certain safety items she needed. So she moved in.

What made it hardest is that I felt her needs came before my own. I went out of my way to get everything organized and set up, just like you've done.

But one day I woke up and thought I couldn't take it any more. I nearly had a nervous breakdown, plus I developed health issues of my own that HAD to be prioritized. It wasn't until I was forced to put myself first that I found out all I had to do was ASK for help.

My siblings didn't offer much help because I was so efficient at handling everything that they just let me call the shots. I, in the mean time, was trying to protect them from having the strain of caregiving put on them. I figured it was bad enough that I felt it, why should they?

Being so protective of others and not doing certain things because we feel "guilty" about doing it is only going to hurt you. You MUST put your feelings and needs first. If asking for help is what you need, then do it and just forget about feeling guilty.

I encourage you to sit down with your brother and TELL HIM how you're feeling. Guys don't exactly get it - its just a guy thing - so you're going to have to enlighten him. If he's any kind of man, he'll step up to help. If he doesn't want the burden, then let HIM pay for outside help to relieve you.

I guarantee if you keep going out of guilt, it is you who will suffer most in the end.

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