I Can't Do This For Much Longer

by Boopetyboop

My mother is only 65 years old and acts like an invalid. She has arthritis, edema, hypertension, sensitivity in her feet, sciatica problems...

Her doctor had told her she needs to exercise because it would help with the edema, but the only movement she gets all day long is getting up to go to the bathroom and then getting up from the toilet to sit right back in front of the computer in her bedroom.

She doesn't clean up after herself, she expects me to bring all her meals to her, doesn't attempt to keep her space tidy in the least. She wants to do craft activities so she gets stuff out... but according to her she's in too much pain to put any of it back.

She calls on me to get her things that are just two or three feet away from her because she can't be bothered to get up.

On top of all this, she nags. I'm in my 30's and have never had the joy of living away from her and the older the both of us have gotten, the worse she seems to nag.

She bothers me about everything and there's no end to it.

There are times when she asks me what I'm doing. Then 20 minutes later she's asking me again, "What are you doing NOW?" If I open the closet near the bedroom, which is my closet, she asks me what I'm doing, knowing full well that my clothes and much of my other belongings are in there.

She nags me about things that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

"Are you going to call that guy back about that job??" "Yes." I make the call that I didn't need her reminding me about. "Did you call??" "Yes." "Well?" "He didn't answer, Mom. I called him yesterday and left
him a message and I left him a message today." "You need to keep calling." "I'm not going to blow up his phone with constant calls, Mom." "Well you can't rely on him to call you back so you need to be calling him. It's not spam calling him if you keep calling." "Can you leave me alone?" Mind you, I have a job, I'm just applying for a better one.

I don't have any friends, I can't go out and if I do, I get yelled at for not thinking of her FIRST. She wants to know where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm with, how long I'm going to be and most importantly... "Who's going to feed me?" Because she won't prepare her own meals, not even to make herself a sandwich.

I'm so tired of this, I'm tired of her being here all the time, I'm tired of getting no peace for myself. I have no privacy because she doesn't want her door closed because I can't hear her if she needs me for any reason.

I've told her I'm depressed, I've told her I'm burnt out and she knows why and she doesn't do anything to change the situation. She gets mad if I get upset. I cry a lot and I've been accused in the past of crying only to make her feel bad.

I'll be 40 in a few years and I still have yet to be left to have a life of my own, yet according to her, I have my whole life ahead of me.

Really, I just want to kill myself. Almost everyday I go to sleep wishing and hoping that I never wake up, and everyday that I wake up, I bemoan the fact that I didn't die in my sleep. I think a lot about suicide these days.

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You need help
by: Anonymous

You really need to get some help. Emotionally and physically. You are allowing your mother to control your life. You need to find the wherewithal to stop this.

I know it's hard to do, but you're going to end up worthless to your Mom anyway, if things don't change. You've got to learn to do what's best for her and you, and not allow her to control what's going to happen.

Easy to say, but if you take one baby step at a time, you can do what best for both of you.

It is up to you....
by: Anonymous

I read your post, and gave it geat thought before I responded - I even looked up some of your mother's medical terms to get understanding. I was in the same boat as you 2 years ago when I moved in with my 86 year old mother.

I am 60 years old. I had to be in bed by 8pm - why?... because my mother worried about me being out at night, I couldn't be in the kitchen cooking after 6pm, I cannot use "her" washer or dryer - I had to go to the laundry mat, I use too much dish soap, get me this and that... and on and on. My mother was a mess...dementia, diarrhea, incontinent, unsanitary, did not take her medication properly, a very strong odor in the house, she would put me down constantly - she ruled the roost - and I was here to give her the support she needed - this was my thanks.

This was just not going to sit well with me. I had to take control of the situation. You said "your mom is not doing anything to change the situation". This is the statement I want to focus on. Your mom is not going to do anything -YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! Something little like taking control of your life, for instance.

Over the two years I have been with my mother, I have found many medical situations that was causing her to be unrealistic mentally. As we began to conquer each one she started to get better.

I am concerned with your mother's medical, I wonder what medications she is taking. My mother was taking Lipitor and her ankles started to swell - I took her off Lipitor, swelling went away, cholesterol was fine. Take control of your mom's medications, make sure they are all compatible with each other.

Have a consult with her doctor. I did. But, I want to get to the control issues. I will tell you an experience I had: my mother broke her hip, her hospital/rehabilitation totaled one month, then she came home. I was wheeling her in her wheelchair all over the house - to the bathroom, kitchen, then to "her chair" - where ever she needed to go, I wheeled her through the house or outside.

Three days after she came home, the physical therapist knocked on the door (her docs arranged for this). So, what did my mom say? "I don't want physical therapy!"... and she meant it.

I tried to talk her into the therapy but, she put her foot down. So the therapist left and my mom is sitting in "her chair". I was just waiting... finally my mother asked me to get her something in the kitchen.

I responded by handing her the walker and said nicely, "since you do not want therapy, you are going to have to get what you want and go where you need to go around the house with the walker - no more wheelchair", I said. You must do the same.

If your mother is not willing to exercise, the only exercise she will get is by getting up and getting the things she wants. You are enabling her and training her to be dependent on you. I would not allow my mother to do that. I want my mother to be as independent as she can be.

If your mother is too tired to put her arts and crafts away, leave them there until she is rested to clean it up. You have to begin to say "no". You really are robbing your mother of her independence and you are dying in the process - this is not right.

You have to take control of your life. Start off small of work toward your mom's independence, start saying no. Do not make yourself so available. I did this, so I know how it can stir up our mothers. I went out at night purposely, she always wanted to know what time I would be back, I learned not to tell her, because she would not take her sleeping pill until I was home, so I just told her probably late, not sure.

Next day I would hear how worried she was, my mother is not happy unless she is worrying about something. I also purposely started cooking in "her" kitchen" after 6pm, I purposely stayed up late... being kind, but it caused a raucous.

Since she would not listen to reason, I had to teach her by my actions. This is what you need to do. Slowly take control of your life. I still do not use her washer though, only on occasion, but that is okay. LOL.

Now, part of this behavior from our mother's, I believe,is born out of their medical conditions.

My mother was becoming weaker and weaker, took her to emergency. She was in the hospital for 3 weeks - doctor found C-Diff finally - it almost killed her, but found out she had it a very long time and we thought it was just diarrhea. Three months later, the broken hip - fixed that. Six months later she fainted, went back to emergency and found a large mass in her colon- we fixed that with surgery.

Six months later a colonoscopy- we found cancer - we removed 18in of her colon, everything fine now. After this surgery, C-Diff again, we are taking antibiotics now.

In between all this she had Urinary Track Infections, my mother never knew because there was no pain and UTI's cause a lot of mental confusion.

So anyway, after fixing everything, my mom is doing very well today, her mental situation is much calmer and she is calmer, or is it because I took control of everything, including her life and mine, but I gave my mother the gift of her independence.

Things are much better now. It is a joy to wait on my mom because I want to, not because I have to. It took 2 years to get to this place. I had feelings of wanting to end my life during this process too, it seemed sometimes there was no hope for a brighter tomorrow.

And by the way, did I say all the while, I discovered my 39 son was schizophrenic? What a whirlwind I have been through - it was not easy, but everyone at this time are doing good - knock on wood.

I want to encourage you to take control of your life, you are the only one who could do that. I am finding that most of these mothers who need our help have always been controlling and they know how to manipulate their kids, it is just more severe in their adult years.

It is up to us to model our boundaries, our mothers are not going to listen to us, so we have to show them, you need to learn to say "NO" in a multitude of creative ways. Do not, I repeat, do not get into a power struggle with your mom - this is one of the worse things we can do.Let your NO be NO.

When your mom says "who's going to make my dinner?" Just give her a kiss and say, "Now mom, I know you are capable and of making your own dinner...." And say gotta go and rush out the door before she can say anything more.

Before I left the house, I always made sure my mother was in a safe place for her to function independently while I was gone. Work toward making your mom independent and getting her healthy, Pick and choose your battles and work on your boundaries. Get into a support group for caregivers, I am in one and it is a great help.

Wish I could hear back from you. You can click on "submit comment" and let me know how you are doing or if I can be of more help. Hope I have been somewhat of a help. I understand. If I think of anything else, I will let you know.

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