I can't do this anymore.

by Glen
(Hollywood, Florida, USA)

I live in Florida and my ageing mother lives in NYC. She is 87 and lives alone as my father passed away 7 years ago. I've never had a good relationship with my mom and moved away when I was younger just to avoid the constant verbal abuse.


Since dad passed away, I've done what I can for her with no family support as I'm an only child and my mother has broken bridges with all of my surviving relatives. I've attempted to assist my mom by preparing her taxes, visiting as often as I can, and getting her anything that she needs, and although I call her every day, she never bothers to call me when she has no one to talk to, and always complains that no one calls her.

She complains that she is lonely, yet there is an active supervised program with tons wellness events, parties, trips for the seniors in her building, but she does not participate. She always has something negative and nasty to say to me and to others, or she talks about subjects that are so depressing that people avoid her like the plague.

When I visit, she just verbally attacks me and doesn't allow me to help her in any capacity.

She had counseling after dad passed away, but the social worker and therapist (both licensed in the State of NY) felt that she was not making any progress, said that there was nothing more that they could do to change her thinking or behavior.

My mother is on an antidepressant, but it doesn’t seem to work. We could never live under the same roof as we have always had a volatile relationship and with my heart issues, I cannot deal with the stress as she is truly impossible, uncooperative, narcissistic, and indifferent.

She refuses to consider moving into assisted living, or getting a home aide. She also refuses to let me get here a "First Alert" system in case she falls and is alone. Her place is clean and she is still functional, but her behavior is impossible to deal with.

I'm still trying for dad's sake, but that's it. My uncle on my father's side one said that "she so miserable, that when her time comes, it would almost be a relief for all involved." Please don’t read this and think I'm a horrible person, but although hurtful to hear, I almost understand what he is trying to say.

I feel like the situation is hopeless and I'm ready to walk away. . . until i can mandate her care. I've had enough.

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Yet another story of caring for an elderly parent
by: Anonymous just me

My husband and I brought my 91 year old mom to CA from a terrible little town in KS. We have done everything we can think of to make her happy but even though she says she hates KS she is acting out all the time with anger and hostility.

We also brought her 2 cats as they are her family too!

I am finding out that she is still crazy (I remember that she was unstable from my childhood) even though I thought she was more stable currently. I am getting very angry and feeling like taking her back to KS even though I know she will be miserable there too.

I am feeling like I at least am saving her cats which will live with us, and maybe I can put up with her meanness knowing I have saved her cats from who knows what in KS. My husband is my rock with this. I hate her and love her and feel sorry for her all at the same time.

It is kind of a certain hell to be in. We have no children and I am glad we didn't have children to torture in this way should it have come to that... All I know is to stay strong and to do what is right!

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Reply I can`t do this anymore
by: Anonymous

Dear Glen,
Hate to say it but `walk away from what?', you visit now and then, the odd phone call, you are not exactely stressed out, so if you do decide to walk away, I doubt that your mother will even notice.

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Just an Idea.....
by: Anonymous

I would suggest looking into getting power of attorney over your Mom. You could then make her decisions for her. I really think she is suffering from some form of dementia maybe.

However, she does need someone in her life. If she is not ready for the assisted living home, you oould hire someone like an aide, to come in for so many hours a day. It is tough. I know where you are coming from.

Also, it may sound cliche, but try going to a church for a service and prayer. You can get a totally new perspective. Hand it over to God, and ask for help. You will see new ways to cope.
I will say a prayer today. Don't give up.

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Advice
by: Anonymous

I sympathize with you and I understand exactly what you're going through. Something that's very hard to do is put your foot down!and follow through. There's still that blood connection, and obviously you care about your mother, in spite of your relationship.

I suggest you set boudaries with you mother, and follow through. Basically, a parent knows you and also know what buttons to push to get what they want.

She's manipulating and playing games with you. When she starts acting up and abusing you, leave, and let her know you love her but will not put up with her abuse and disrespect and you expect to see some changes in her behaviour soon.

God Bless you and I wish you the best. I've been there done that. I stood up to my 88 yr old mother, of whom I was her least favorite of 5 children, but the one willing to stay and help her after dad died. I moved out of my place and moved in with her just temporarely, because she was really depressed, while I maintained a career.

It was never a good time for me to leave because she developed too many health issues, and was not safe by herself. Fast forward 15 yrs later and multiple dramas and eventfull issues. I had allowed myself to be trapped and manipulated by mom and siblings in spite of asking for help,and never got it, to become her main caregiver.

3 years ago,I made a descion to move out and told my siblings I was going to put mom in an assisted living facility, because I could no longer take care of her because my health was on the line. All 4 were in opposition, and long story short, They're cooperating in our mother's care, and I'm enjoying my life on my own, but still involved in our mother's care.

This move has turned my relationship with my siblings and their family around for the worse. It really blows me away, that some family only loves with conditions.

Lots has gone one in these past 3 yrs. Lots of critizising, opposition, uncooperativness, uncommunicativness, and most of all lots of rejection. But for me, It's been worthwhile, because I'm happy, at peace, and greatfull to know my heart has always been in the right place.

But we were not meant to be taken advantage of, abused, or to settle, because We're all in control of our own hapiness.

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I can relate!
by: Crazy from Crazy Mom

My heart goes out to you. Don't feel guilty. Pat yourself on the back ( I am sure you are growing some wings there) just because you have given that person so much and all she does is make others as miserable as she is.

My mother is also in physically decent shape, lives alone in her apt, and can function well, but she has so many unresolved emotions and an overblown, out of touch ego, she makes me nuts.

For some reason, she has it in her head that I was born to exist only for her and not be entitled to any needs of my own! She shows no respect, dumps guilt trips on me on every occasion, and puts me down endlessly, in front of others or not. Then she has another trip going that I call triangulation.

This is when I am a demon and someone else (the poor souls that buy into her phoney behavior) becomes an angel, or her rescuer. I used to be her savior role when I was young and didn't know I could have a need. After the physical and verbal abuse, I ran away from home and now I rescued her from dying in Florida by helping her get an apartment near me. I didn't want her here, believe me, but how could I abandon my mother? (even though my other siblings had no problem!)

It seems there is nothing I can do to save my sanity or try to get along with her. It's like being on stage and she runs the show and you can only walk off the stage but not change the script.

I did begin counseling for myself and have gotten her to use her stubborn (I can do it myself, leave me alone and help me stance) to do all her own affairs. I kind of stand by as needed.

What helps: you are not responsible for her happiness, only YOURS. Take breaks from her on every occasion you can. Make excuses or do whatever it takes to be there only minimally. This is to save yourself. All that negativity takes a toll on YOUR health.

You know what I have now? Parasites! What a perfect metaphor, as dis-eases often are!

Recognize your own pain, your own goodness and seek friendships, times to heal and find peace in whatever way and however often you can.

Think of yourself as Teflon. I can't always do this, but I am working on letting her toxic thoughts slide off me and not stick!! Have your own inner power. Also, ask your higher power to help you. God, Christ, Gurus, or your own inner light. You are untouched in reality. The soul is always untouched.

This too shall pass. They don't live forever!

Best wishes for a happier life.

Judy

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Annoying mother
by: Anonymous

I too am an only child that has the same issues, but I do have full Power of Control.

It is still difficult.

They are your parent and deep down inside you wish them the best, but you do have to look out for yourself....and that is not being selfish.

We moved my mom closer to us about 4 years ago. Her own home. She can not see not drive and lived 3 hours away. It was all beoming too strenuous on me and my husband.

Now that she is here , in my mind I thought things would be better. NO, they are not. She complains about every thing, belittles my husband and is just a mean person.

We just decided to give her the basics (food, roof over her head and medical visits) and if she wants to be that way, so be it.


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