I am the Baby, the Nurse, and have Done it all for Years!!! I am DONE!

by Bethany
(Clifton Park, NY USA)

I am a baby boomer, who has always cared for my elderly parents, because I am the RN in the family. I was a single mother for 16 years, therefore my parents always helped me, so I guess it was pay back. WELL>>>>>>>>>> I worked a VERY stressful job this past summer, and dealt with my 89 year old father's increasingly frustrating health.


You see, he is insulin diabetic,and has early onset dementia, along with a HOST of other problems. Really he was pretty good, for a while, but recently, when I was working at this tough job, taking a class, still raising my sons at home..... I LOST IT... Not only do I oversee all his medical conditions, because I am best suited, and no offense, but the other 4 sisters screwed up so many medical appointments, which made my job tougher.

Overall, there are 5 daughters ages 48 to 60. I am the youngest, and as I said the RN. There are 3 of us, close by, who have each helped out, for the most part. But I am in NP school, now, and I cannot do it any longer. I was almost having a nervous breakdown, when I had to talk to my Dad, about his insulin dosage....make sure he took it, and didn't take it twice, order his pulls, take him to 7-9 specialists.......bring him food, go to this house, and always cleaned while there.

I guess what finally GOT me was when I realized, it wasn't humanly possible to do what I was doing. I, as an RN, am kind and compassionate, but let me tell you, that is going out the window. I know how to be diplomatic, ask nicely, which I just did....... and I got nothing but resistance. I can help 1 x a month, when I have helped 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, she could offer 1 day a month? Gee thanks I just deleted my swear word. I am a good person, a good christian, and have really enjoyed helping all these years, but as the end is approaching, they are all suggesting I move him in with me. Then I have 1- sister who is the master of manipulation, she is SO good that you don't know what hit you, until you've already succumbed to her tasks.

I always feel guilty, like I didn't do enough, I have backed away, and asked my young sons 21 and 23 to PLEASE help, only to be met with resistance. He wants you, the nurse. I CANNOT DO IT ANYMORE! I don't even like him, right now. He was NOT nice, when I was growing up, he was NOT supportive, he was alcoholic, he never encouraged me academically or in my dreams, I HAD TO FIGHT FOR ALL OF THEM>>>>>>> so yes, I am resentful, quite angry.

The pot will be split, 5 ways, and I did a lot more than most. As of late, they want me to be the executrix of his will, because I am a pushover, and will divide it all more fairly than my 60 yr lackadaisical sister, but they may be foolishly surprised.

I AM TIRED..... not to mention, I am not well. I have had 3 major orthopedic fusions since 2007. I have had it tough. They are all fawning over my one sister, who has a benign brain tumor, which I understand "SOUNDS" more serious, but none helped me or offered me any words of support. None of them. Granted, I am being nice, and supportive of my sister, for I know it's scarey, but what the heck......then they always "expect" the most from me, because I am the GIVER. But, I am so sorry, I am DONE giving.

I need to "take" for the next 2 years. I have waited 2 years to make the grade to get into grad school, to become an advanced practice nurse....... NOW HIS TIMING is screwing up my entire career. I gave up, full time, to commit to part time, to take care of him and my mom, when she was still here, and because my husband had a great job, I was able to. Not to mention I could no longer do the staff work, due to my ortho problems. BUT, I gave up a lot of money.

SO HOW DO I NOT LOOK FOR A ROPE TO HANG MYSELF? How do I not feel angry. What do I say? Can I finally achieve my dreams? or is it too late, have I just dug my own grave, because I DID do it all those years? My sons, think I am horrid to even think of not helping, as they trot off to their dreamland.

Sorry, I am usually a lot of fun, really nice, and really caring. I have had it. I am messing up at school, because of all of this. I get all A's, rejected 2 times to grad school, finally get in, on the 3rd try, which just made the years go by, and my Dad, really needs assisted living. I didn't do it for the money, I really didn't.

There isn't much. The sad thing is, the 2 who need it the most, DID NOTHING. I guess this is my test in life, like I needed another one.

Comments for I am the Baby, the Nurse, and have Done it all for Years!!! I am DONE!

Average Rating starstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Sing it, Sister!
by: Anonymous

You, my dear, have done ENOUGH for all the ungrateful people in your family. They have come to expect you to do everything not because you are a registered nurse, but because they don't want to do it. They use your competence and caring as an excuse for them to do virtually nothing with virtually no guilt.

Believe me, I know. I have four sisters, too. But, I have one that's brain injured and two elderly (90 and 88) parents who take care of her with the help of aides who come to the house twice a day, 3 hours at a time. I am the only one of the four who are capable who is the constant helper for my parents and sister. Two of the others do not live nearby --2 1/2 hrs by plane-- and the other one lives an hour away.

Anyway, you let them know that you are now going to graciously let them have the blessed opportunity to be close to your dad in his final days because you have given up so much of your life for him and for ALL OF THEM. DO NOT THINK TWICE. You know that they will not like it. You know that they will resent you. You know that your father or sons or whoever will think you are not a nice person for pursuing your longstanding dream. That just means that they are not supportive of you. They are only thinking of themselves. It's about time that they did a tenth of what you've been doing. Just because you are single, it's expected that you are to give up your life and move in with your dad and truly become the family SLAVE.

Don't you deserve to have a life like all the rest of them do? Where is it written that they deserve more than you do? If anything, they OWE you for all you have done! If they cared about you, they would be saying, "You've done so much all these years, go and pursue your dreams. It's our turn to be the good daughters that you have been. You've been such a good role model for us, we know what to do. Thank you. But all they want is to keep their free ride going while your life goes down the drain. I beg you not to let that happen.

Rating
star
You need Help
by: Christine

This website is not going to correct what is wrong in your life. You need SO DESPERATELY to find someone to counsel you about you. I'm afraid for you and I hope for the best.

Please consider...just look at your headline.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Elder Care Anger and Resentment.


Home | Site Map | About | Contact | Privacy Policy | Disclosure

© Copyright evSky Incorporated 2008-2017 | All Rights Reserved


Eldercare for

Aging Parents

Are you having a difficult time with being the "Caregiver" for Mom and Dad?

Click Here to Read What Others are Saying and Leave a Comment About Your Own Experiences....

Or Start your Own Discussion Page!

Recent Articles

  1. Bewildered

    Oct 05, 17 02:54 PM

    Selfishness, selfishness when you don't feel yourself anymore when all is expected and no thanks are given when your jaw feels so tired you can't close

    Read More

  2. Why Do We Take it On?

    Oct 03, 17 10:40 AM

    So often I read of children caring for parents with multiple needs at home. They are knocking themselves out between their jobs, and families and caregiving.

    Read More

  3. ONE & DONE

    Oct 03, 17 10:36 AM

    I am curious about recommendations to solve: 1) micromanaging from afar from sibling who believes she's in charge and I'm the in-town family caregiver

    Read More