I am Sole Caregiver for my Elderly Parents and My Father has Threatened to Kick Me out of the House

by Mona

My Father recently got violent with me. He slapped my face and grasped my arm. He told me he can do anything he wants to do and kick me out of the house at anytime.

My mother lives here also and does nothing. She is on narcotics and is totally nuts. I do everything from yard work to picking up prescriptions.

I take them to doctors appointments/groceries, etc. I had to call the police because my Dad told me to leave the house tonight. He took my cell phone and would not give it back.

I had to go to the neighbors to call the police. The police asked if I had a house key. I told them that they would never give me one.I have only the garage door opener and they would not give that back. The police told them that they can not kick me out.

I do not have any brothers or sisters to help look after my father who is on oxygen 24/7. What should I do now?
Thank you for your time!

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I empathize
by: Anonymous


I can relate as I sit in the basement on the couch on which I have slept the last 3 years contemplating wanting to end my own life.

I lost my marriage and business and money. Moved in my parents home to care for them while trying to save what was left of my life post awful divorce.

I was kicked out of the local park tonight as I watched my 86 year old alcoholic mother relapse and make a public idiot of herself and my 92 year old father a few days ago.

I had gotten her into AA when I attempted to leave her drunken near death experience. Of course the problem is anyone but the enabling rage an alcoholic husband or her verbally abusive drunken rages. None of my siblings will help me and yes sir them to death so they get a cut of their inheritance I guess. So my sick sister can be daddy's fave.

Well the narcissistic (pathologically so) father and she will fight like apes in the wild and if you are nearby - god help ya. You will be the target and the problem that is behind everything wrong in the world. If they gave you a fucking salad for dinner it is given as a bargaining chip because logical conversation is not nor has it ever been a part of the family dynamic.

Even though I have been diligently attending ACOA and working hard at it along with Al Anon and private therapy. I can do better but let me tell you - those two insane apes will destroy every last bit of progress, side up against you and blink at you like there is something so wrong with ya, they should have committed you as a baby.

This mother of mine and I became close and I stayed because she would go to AA. But never really listened or tried to work the steps. She did abstain though it unraveled as the father took her out and bought her alcohol and basically wanted her to die from Wicker-Korsakoff Syndrome from alcohol dementia. As she got better he got worse because it would mean he would have to change.

He is terrified of dying so he takes off day in and out in his car - he has struck other cars and drove off and caught on camera. Airlifted to hospital after a car hit his withered ass on his stupid Vespa. Falling in driveway - falling on Vespa in driveway screaming at my heart patient mother to help lift him up.

My sisters sit there and reassure him he is a great driver because each one is vying for his approval and money and love. They go on and on about how they will go anywhere with him driving and provided stats on elderly drivers being safe.

I took over my moms medications because she has dementia and he gets it all wrong.

I have no where to go and after a severe binge at a public party - falling at the party and not knowing where she was - the group offered to drive them home or to the hospital. They get home and she falls on the driveway.

My dad could not get the garage door to open or had he, he would have ran her over. Not realizing she had fallen. The neighbor helped them up - she was smashed according to him. Neither wanted him to walk them in.

I hear a crash and screaming upstairs and ran up to find her on the table unable to stand and him in the corner squatting against the wall unable to get up. She was incoherent and he was screaming at me I had no idea what happened.

She was crying saying she was sorry she had screwed up her sobriety and promised to go to AA the next day. He talked my ear off after I got her to bed about how he wanted her to go to her sisters house all the way the hell in Alaska for 3 weeks because she misses her family - and he wants to go out and knows a lot of people and therefore they all pay attn to him because he is so LOVED by them...and she drinks to help herself feel better.

OMG this pattern is lifelong but they will make everyone around them suffer their insanity while claiming it is not a problem the next day.

They both screamed and raged and were furious the hospital tried to give them alcohol info - claiming AA participants must have told the whole city.

They then directed their anger towards me and screamed and raged at me - my mother was a C*** and being a totally ass to me after her fall and hospital visit - claiming she is not an alcoholic and everyone must not have realized she was kidding when she was stumbling and didn't know where she was.

I haven't seen my kids in 3 years and they were to come here for a visit until this stupid bitch for a other and my idiot father was spitting in my face screaming SHUT UP at me as he raised his hand to hit me. Saying - cmon honey come away from her. And then screaming at me YOU ARE GOING TO KILL HER! (I have heard this since I was 5!) because I told both of them I will not tolerate that verbal abuse.

Drugs are a sick sick sick sick illness with long tentacles. It will rip up the best of you if you don't cut loose or find support. Even if you do - and care for your alcoholic parents...be prepared. It will sink you too. Alcohol and drugs will make a fool out of the good guys and drown you with the alcoholic if you don't get help. Even with help never underestimate sick addicted people and their enablers.

Believe in yourself. Listen to me. I am 50 and have endured abuse as a kid and here we go again. It doesn't get better unless they see they are sick as hell and taking down not only themselves but the entire family, NH and society.

Painful Rage
by: Preacher's Kid

Empathy helps, but it's not enough. I know. I'm right there with ya. Dad's more manipulative, controlling, and demanding than before.

I wonder if it's getting worse or has it been this way all my life. I think it's a combination of his 88 years being the bossy manipulator and I've become my own abuse-intolerant person.

But, because I don't have the answer when he's mean, I think I'm perpetuating the abuse. So, I internalize it, walk away to go cry alone, and am left with a physically sickening, nearly mentally incapacitating, boiling rage inside.

So, short of the threatening and physical abuse you're enduring, I am right there with ya! My best advice is to write it ALL out - set the boundaries, get spiritual/legal/social advice - and find your place of inner security. Love to talk more, but I'm out of space.

Hang in there Mona
by: Anonymous

I posted a comment to you several days ago but the powers that be probably did not like my harsh remarks. Abusive older men are very hard to handle, especially when they get verbally and physically abusive.

Our generation was taught to obey their parents no matter what. Find some help from social services. Your father no doubt has some dementia. A good social worker can help determine their ability to function on their own.

Do not agree to continue living / serving them unless you get a complete power of attorney for financial AND medical.

Do not weaken!

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