I am So Afraid

I am so afraid my mom will outlive me. I have diabetes and CKD and the stress of caring for her is taking it's toll on me. I'm afraid I'll never have a normal life or have time to spend with just my husband. I feel desperate.

She is almost 85 years old and still in relatively good health, better than mine in fact.
It's so unfair that this has fallen on my shoulders. I have 3 siblings who do nothing to help. No matter how much I tell them this, they say things like "you'll be sorry when mom is gone".
Well, no I don't think so.
They make me so angry. I am letting them go.

I feel like I'm about to have a meltdown. I just don't know what to do.

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by: Anonymous

I just keep thinking maybe I can die out of this situation. So exhausted, stressed & uncomfortable living with my mom. There are no answers, no help. Hopeless.

I'm there too
by: Anonymous

Totally understand as do most of the caretakers on this site. You didn't say if your mom lives you or not. Mine does. Unless funds are available to put her somewhere, this is your new normal and you have to find a way to deal with it for yourself.

I moved my mom in thinking "it wouldn't be for long." It was a long time ago I thought that. Like you, caring for her has impacted my own health and I watch the last good year of my life slipping away while she seems to do better (mentally no, but physically) every damned day.

I was the picture of health. I now have high blood pressure likely from stress. Heart palpitations. Asthma now because she smokes and there is NO point in even trying to stop that because it's a verbal, physical fight.

My house, my car, and my health is destroyed from her smoking. She puffs away like a chimney while I cough my head off and wheeze. Even my dog has a cough.

Not fair, but my mental motto has become "it is what it is." It's easy in our situations to target the anger at a person instead of a situation. It isn't the person.

I tell myself daily it's not her fault she's old, it's not her fault she has no one to take care of her but me. There are days I tell myself that twenty times and I still go to bed at night hating her. I don't really, I hate the situation just as you do.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is not beat yourself up for your thoughts. If they are dark now, they will get darker. It's hard to admit you wish someone would die but I have those thoughts and I don't feel guilty about them anymore. It is NOT natural to lose your independence in life so that someone else can maintain theirs.

I get out little because my mom throws a fit when I get back and refuses to have anyone stay with her. I tried that and have run out of people willing to come and be verbally abused. I have to get out though, so I just do and whatever happens, happens. It's for my own mental well being. Even when I'm gone though, it's on my mind so there is no genuine escape.

Wish I could say something magical to make your situation better, but there really is no upside to this. All I can say is direct your anger at the situation and not her. Try to see her as a human being in need because she is. Changing my thinking in that direction has helped a lot.

Sure, I miss being able to be carefree and do things in my own home I can no longer do. I have to hope someday I get some time to do that again before I become her.

As far as your siblings - if they live in the same town then it's up to you to find the strength to say, "Hey, this doesn't fly anymore. You need to participate in this and give me a break and that's all there is to it. What are your schedules and when you can you help?" If they absolutely won't, then cut them out of your life because that's just one more anger you have to deal with.

Take a deep breath - it's about all you can do.

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