I am Invisible

by Transparent
(USA)

I volunteered to move 1200 miles from where I lived to where I grew up. I moved in with my elderly mother. The beginnings of dementia were becoming noticeable to the 5 of us kids and the grand children. As the only never married, I took on the responsibilities of Mom in my late 40’s.


Six years later Mother is really starting to show dementia activity. My siblings are mostly uninvolved. We are afraid of any transition because Mother is dead set against it.

The younger says she’d feel too guilty to put Mom in a home. I live with the increasing work load and decreasing cognition every day.

I am thankful for the paid caregiver who helps 3 days a week and spends some nights with Mom so that I can still work part-time.

I’ve used all my savings and buy essentials on credit. I’m tired, lonely and some days feel like I am invisible, but I can’t completely disappear.

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ask for assitance
by: steve

I would avoid nursing home care if at all possible. You can try Social Security and ask for 100% disability benefits plus increase in monthly check if possible. Ask for caregiver salary and become a paid representative.

Call medicare and see what benefits may be available to help. See if she is medicaid qualified. Maybe even start a go fund me page.

People love to help others when they honestly need it. If she goes into a home they will take everything she has and you may regret it later. Hospice may be able to help also. Good luck and hang in there!

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it's time
by: Bittersweet

I would not give a good flip what your siblings say about putting your mother in a home. They are not the ones taking care of her. YOU are. And the time has come.

It is obvious you can no longer care for her all by yourself. I don't mean to sound harsh, but what are you waiting for? You are killing yourself taking care of your mother. While a very noble act, it's impossible to keep up.

You have drained your finances, your energy, and your life. How much longer do you want to keep this up? Mom could live another 10 years. Think this through and then start the proceedings for getting her into skilled care.

You can still visit every day. But at least you would have some of your life back. And BTW, I've been there. Took my mother in for 12 years. Then she had her stroke and I couldn't do it anymore and had to put her in a home. My life is worth something too.
Good luck.

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you're your mom's angel
by: Anonymous

You're doing such a good turn for your mom. Even though your mom probably doesn't say so she appreciates what you're doing. You said you've used all your savings and am buying things on credit and your siblings are "mostly uninvolved".

Since you're being the full-time caregiver and have lifted the burden both physically and financially from them of your mom's care why not ask them for some financial support or to take mom into each of their homes for a couple of weeks a year? IMO it's not too much to ask, particularly since it sounds like you're getting into somewhat of a pickle ("I’ve used all my savings and buy essentials on credit.")

I would get with them and explain that very thing, and tell them since you don't work full-time you need the support both financially and physically. If they try to play the "you made that choice" card you can tell them you could have chosen to not step up as they did and said that since you never married your priority had to be to take care of yourself.

Oh, I know, many people will say that's "selfish", but if you don't take care of yourself who will? Some of us children step up and take care of our parents expecting our siblings will pitch in and then we find they won't when in fact they can. (My siblings stepped out of the picture with my parents over 30 years ago so I'm the last one around with a narcissistic mother....) Who's "selfish" then? She's OUR mother after all.... Hugs for you.

Do try to get them to participate in some way.

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