HUSBAND caregiving

Anyone else out there suddenly find themselves in the role of caregiver for a spouse?

I went through a lot of things with my mother, and that was bad enough, but now my husband, who is only 5 years older than I am, because a series of medical problems, is although only 68, pretty much the equivalent in behavior and abilities of my 87 year old mother.

Maybe this is the wrong forum for this, but haven't been able to find any place else!

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Im there!
by: Anonymous

Husband has MS. I too lost my marital relationship when I became his care giver. I Strongly resent being referred to as care giver (puke) when I’m supposed to be his wife.

He used to act jealous of me when I take a once a year camping trip with my sister and her family. I go anyway. His father has been very supportive and helpful, taking over my (uggh!) duties.

He made it clear to him that it is important for me to have recreational time away from work (as a nurse, so yes its pretty much 24/7 work at home and at work). I wish more father in-laws were like mine. Please, take time for yourselves. Have the talk with your spouse and his family about the situation.

Hopefully they are open to giving you a break. It would be extremely hard stay married without support from family. I still have my doubts that if the role was reversed that he would stick around even with a supportive family.

Spousal Caregiving
by: Anonymous

While raising five children, my brother's wife had a freak accident of falling off of an RV roof and broke her neck. She was paralyzed with only minimum use of her arms, but couldn't use her hands, and of course all the way down her body.

She insisted he be the only one to take care of her, that it was his duty as her husband, and if the tables were turned, she of course, would be his caretaker.

So for 13 years, he raised the kids, worked a 40 hour job, took care of the home, took care of his wife, literally took care of everything.

Long story short, my brother died 5 years ago at the age of 59. He got up to go to work, couldn't breathe, by the time he got to the hospital he slipped into a coma, he couldn't be revived, he was declared brain-dead within 48 hours.

Get some help. My brother felt it wasn't his "duty" to be her caretaker and he resented it.

She needed professional help. I think it is different for spouses because care taking becomes the relationship. He lost his wife and partner by becoming her caretaker.

There are lots of forums on the Internet for all kinds of caregiving positions. Even if you type in Spousal Care giving Forums you will probably come up with something.

But coming here can help too. I'm sorry for the curve life has thrown you.

Same Themes Through all These Postings
by: Anonymous

I keep hearing the same theme throughout these posting of how selfish people become, mother and fathers making their kids take care of them when they have their own families to take care of.

What happened to some give and take, you take care of me and I'll try to do what's best. Older people seem so oblivious to their actions and selfishness on their own children and they don't seem to care how much you have to give up for them.

I understand that they raised you and now it's your turn to give back. When they were raising you it was their way of the highway. Too bad we can't say now it's our way of the highway. If we do that who is going to take care of them.

They don't stop to think how much it is costing their children because of them being stubborn.

They won't move out of homes they can no longer take care of they don't want someone cooking for them, they can no longer even stand up and won't let someone else cook because I won't like the food.

I have seen my mother go from a very giving and caring mother to a bully who puts me down at every turn! I'm tired of it and washed my hands, my brother takes care of her after 20 years of me taking care of her.

Please take time for yourself because it you don't you will end up like me almost having a heart attack.

Not Husband, but Became Caregiver for Brother
by: Julie

I had almost the same problem as my bachelor brother became very ill and I took over as caregiver until his death in 2008.

The problems and issues forced on me as a caregiver really took it's toll as I was totally unprepared for the decisions and constant "emergencies" that seemed to crop up from day to day, from the hospital to the assisted living center to the hospice care center.

All were very good places however, there seemed to be a non-stop request for a course of action that made the responsibility a tough one to go through.

I know it may sound petty with all these facilities available to help my brother, but it was very stressful indeed to take on the sudden role of does throw curves, sometimes literally day to day.
Good Luck to you....

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