How to Remain Loving
My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 10 months ago. I took her to most of her treatments, doctor's appointments, cooked meals for her, did all of her grocery shopping, cleaned her house, did her laundry, paid her bills, etc.
At that time I was working full-time and also had to take care of my own house and husband. I retired 2 months ago (after working for 40 years) and 5 days later she became very ill and had to have 24/7 care.
She is now living with me and on at-home hospice with a nurse and CNA coming twice a week for vitals and baths. She is now completely bedridden and has to use a bedpan. She throws up day and night. Hospice says she may still have months left like this.
I know that she's dying, I know that she can't help being sick, I know that my sister can't help that she lives 4 hours away and still works, but none of that makes this any easier. She wakes me up 2 or 3 times during the middle of the night to use the bedpan or throwing up or coughing.
After dealing with all of that I usually can't go back to sleep for a while. Then my day shift starts. I do love her and I hate that she's going through this but I am having a hard time feeling loving when I'm completely exhausted!
And of course eaten up with guilt about my feelings! I don't resent her but I resent this situation so much!