How to Deal with Elderly Parents Living with Us

by Dino
(New York )

Parents moved in with us. Couldn't afford independent living facility anymore. 86 year old Mother has dementia & constantly complains about everything. She is totally helpless & has one medical issue after another. She is very demanding & expects instant gratification.

She expects my 90 year old father to look after her during the day. My husband is retired but runs a lot & I work full time. I rush home to give them a home cooked meal every day, etc.

I can handle the care & looking after their needs but can't handle her constant mean comments, how she can't stand to have great grandchildren over for more then a minute & how she is glued like a leech & totally dependent on my Dad.

I feel angry.

If I say anything back to her she like we want to have grand kids here or anything she doesn't like she gets real nasty & says she is leaving. My siblings all live in other states & hardly ever call them...they have never asked how it is going...wonder why.

My husband is handling it better then me...he is more removed & doesn't have parent/child history with them. My mother had always been domineering & walks all over my Dad. She try's to tell me what to do, whines & witches about everything...she doesn't feel good 98% of the time so I guess that with the dementia just makes her a miserable & unhappy person.

Also my daughter is pregnant for the first time & she resents the time I spend with her & the attention she gets & constantly talks about when she was pregnant with my brother her firstborn..& how she did this & how she did that....same stories over & over again.

I have already talked to my husband about them leaving but we renovated to have them move in & it hasn't even been a month...yep..where would they go.

I want them to be safe & their needs taken care of but I worry about my father he is very quiet...she is Dr. Jekyll & me Mr. Hyde with him yet he does everything for her. So many issues.

Husband said call her bluff & say go which I plan to do the next time she says that. Suggest I talk to sister but says if they move in with her that's the end of their marriage. Any suggestions to get thru this?

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Can't reason with her
by: Anonymous

You can't reason with her with the dementia. She is sick and not able to mentally understand what is going on. Dementia is suppose to lead people to be angry and can get violent. If this occurs you may have to find a facility for them.

Here is my suggestion, don't call her bluff and let them leave. Look for living arrangements for them, nursing care is very expensive, but they never have to leave if that is what they need.

Once SS no longer pays then they go on Medicaid who picks up the rest. You can check into a senior section 8 housing, usually it goes according to their income. You can get a nurse to come in and take care of them. Check with the Agency on Aging they have programs dependent on what kind of care things can be free.

My mother got SS then it went to Medicaid for her care she has a nurse that comes in every day, a maid that cleans. But she still refused Meals on Wheela which would also be free for her but she won't use it.

Do you homework start calling people start with the Agency on Aging.

I can definitely understand. My mother complains about everything from my shopping to getting her things she never likes. She tells me to buy stuff and then when she gets it, I don't like it.

It is just horrible, she got so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I finally gave care over to my brother who now does her shopping.

Men seem to handle it better, they can just switch off their emotions or just ignore them altogether and not hear a word they are saying. They are better caregivers in my opinion.

My mother is just brutal, we gave her a birthday party, the whole day she criticized my house, told my me ass was huge, when was I going to have the baby and told my husband when are you going to get a job.

I hope I have helped, I certainly feel your pain

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