How Much Longer, God?

How much longer am I going to have to do this? It’s going on 8 years. Mom eats and drinks very little. She’s bed-bound. She is awake 2 hours a day and sleeps 22. She remembers nothing of her past, barely knows what she’s doing in the moment, and starting to not know me.

Her eyesight is gone. Her mind is gone. She lives in a world of fog and dark shadows. Does she just go on until that one moment when the last little bit of energy in the battery drains out?

That one moment between doing everything for her to doing nothing? What will that feel like? Like someone pulled the rug out? A flood of sweet relief? Will I just be standing here shaking my head? Will I be angry for years lost? Will I be grateful for any second I have left?

I don’t know if I’ll have one year or ten. She’s 98! What if she lives like this for another year? She’s had many more years than I will ever have. Why do I have to give my last best to her worst?

What good is this ending for anyone at this point?

Mom is like a plant that is dying and I just keep watering it. I’ve given mom all the love I possibly can. What else am I supposed to learn here? What could possibly be left? I’ve given it my all.

Every minute I pour into someone who is slowly dying is another minute I am not pouring into my own life which is also slowly dwindling. I’ve passed the tipping point. Now there is a definite imbalance.

The more time goes by, the more I realize how precious it is, the more I want to be spending quality time in my own life. I get it God.

Don’t waste a minute. Love is all that matters. So please let me move on from this and go live that. I’m ready.

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Forcing my sibs to step in and do the heavy lifting
by: Anonymous

I have posted here before but cannot find it. I wrote posts some time back about how my sisters swear that I owe it to mom to care for her until the end of mom's life because I have lived here for free for 13 years.

First, I have never lived here for free I have always paid 1/2 utilities (there is no house payment the house is owned by the family trust) I have always done all of the cooking and cleaning and mowing.

I have shopped for and bought all the food that I eat. My mom is 88 smokes 2 packs a day and has serious health problems now because of it. They act like my 10 by 10 room is lined in gold that I will somehow get in the end but the will is all 3, myself and my 2 sisters, are even splits.

I decided a while back that I was moving to Mexico as in the country Mexico and now I am. They have know this since last Sept but refuse to face it or to make plans for her care.

They have called adult services reporting abuse, who came out and figured out that it was just a revenge call because there was nothing wrong. House was clean, bathroom sparkling mom was clean and dressed and clearly not abused but damn mad that someone called them and I have an entire case (24) of Ensure in the frig. I have the case workers card and she call her if it happens again.

My youngest sister is always saying how much she loves mom and then writes horrible letters to me calling me a filthy pig etc.

She goes to the lake house on weekends and the casino every night and has not had to work in 30 years. She has said in numerous letters that she will move mom in with I booked my flight rented my casita and my mom has given me her blessing to move.

Mom understands that I have given up 13 years of my life and she expects my sisters to do the right thing. Now they are screaming that I an FORCING them to put her in a nursing home and I am "abandoning" mom.

They think I have some magical caregiver skills that they don't have or some knowledge that they cannot learn about changing adult diapers and cleaning poop up off the carpet and bathroom walls?

How do you even say that you are going to do that during a covid19 outbreak in nursing homes to your own mother and then blame me? Both of my sisters live within blocks of us.

Both are able to care for mom, they are just used to having a house slave so they don't have to lift a finger, well they can read between the fingers of my boy scout salute.

How much longer God?
by: Anonymous

I know how both of you feel.

With each passing day I try to have a better attitude but instead, the minute I hear the clicking of her walker, the anger and resentment comes flooding back.

She is thriving and living a nice long life in our home while I have so many health problems to tend to.

It seems so unfair to many of us who are sacrificing our lives for our elderly parents while using up the time we may have left. Who knows what our lives will be like when we are finally free from this burden.

I don't want to feel this way, but it just gets worse with each passing day. It's been over a year now of my mom living with us and my husband says that our home is not a happy place.

Having siblings who won't help share the burden only makes things worse,

So many of us are in this same situation. I'm so glad we can at least come here to vent and share with those who know and understand what this is all about.

Take good care and I wish you all the best that life has to offer.

I understand
by: Anonymous

I've had my mom here with me now for two years and one of my biggest fears is that in 6 more years I will be you writing a similar post. Good Lord, I hope not.

Her yearly physical was last week and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her other her brain dying a slow death. Me, on the other hand though, now has high blood pressure, I've put on 25 pounds from emotional eating, I'm taking an anti-depressant when I've never needed one my entire life, I have asthma now from her chain smoking, and my left leg is swollen and all signs are a blood clot and you know? I just don't even give a rat's ass enough to even make a doctor's appointment.

Living this life just sucks the life right out of you. I can wake up in the morning with plans to clean or start some project and then when I hear that walker in the morning any ambitions I had are just gone. This is the most horrible existence I've ever lived in my 65 years on this earth.

I worked my entire life waiting for the day I could retire (which I did two years ago to care for her) to enjoy life, but have been robbed of that. Like you, I wonder daily how many more years are going to go by living this shallow existence? By the time she's gone will I then be her? As each month on the calendar turns over I get more sad and more scared that the last years of my life are really hers.

So I know exactly what you are feeling and saying. It makes no sense. Not for the person waiting for life to end nor for the person caring for them. My daily motto has to be "It is what it is" because there are no answers.

I don't know how you've survived 8 years. I feel very sorry for you. It's a horrible situation to live in knowing the only answer for yourself is for someone's life to end. Life can not be any crueler than this.

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