How Can I Move my Parents Out of my House?

by Kathy

My parents age 79 and 81 are doing fairly well. They moved in with me, moving from another state 8 years ago to, "help out with the girls" (ages 6 and 8).

They paid for the remodel of the home to give them their own space, and we share the kitchen.

I am a nurse and at times work evenings and weekends. Even though my parents didn't interact much with their granddaughters, I felt that the girls were safe on those evenings and weekends I was working.

Now my father is becoming more forgetful and easily confused, and my mother is also becoming forgetful.

My parent's sitting room is situated that when I walk into the kitchen my mom can see me from her room and she ALWAYS says something to me. I feel that I have no privacy.

It has gotten to the point that in the morning as I am getting ready for work I stay as quiet as possible as to not let them know that I am in the kitchen so they wont get up at 7:00 am to say 'good morning' to me!

I feel guilty because they are very nice, but I'm 57 years old and I don't want my father telling me to bring an orange to work with me!

One of my teenage daughters seems to be O.K. with Grandma and Grandpa living here, the other daughter often asks me if they plan to live with us forever.

I am their only parent, as their father died 2 1/2 years ago. (We split up when the girls were 2 and 4 years old.)

I am considering asking my parents to move to a senior living apartment in the same town, but don't want to hurt their feelings. I think I would feel better and have my own space.

Advice please!!!!!
The "Good" Daughter

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Annoyed everyday
by: Anonymous

I totally get what you are going through as my elderly faster lives with me and is driving me insane. I work 2 jobs so I am not home for at least 13 hours plus a day.

When I get home he waits for me to start cooking my and my husbands dinner and he proceeds to cooks his when he had all day to cook. I can go on and on. I need my life back ASAP

My Two Cents
by: Anonymous

"I feel guilty". "I don't want to hurt their feelings". And she puts The "Good" daughter in quotes.

She already knows she's not doing the right thing by them, she's just trying to rationalize it and she's dragging her teen daughter into the situation for support.

I love how opinionated Baby Boomers are! We all just jump in the debate and speak our minds. Most of us have a great sense of humor and know how to express ourselves eloquently and at the same time, tell it like it is.

The posters who supported her tossing them to the curb have their own unique situations that don't apply to this one. Like Leasa said, read it for what it is. This situation is unique and we only have her details to go by and what she is telling us doesn't feel right.

We probably all would like to toss our parents to the curb, but we also have to balance it with a sense of justice and compassion.

Hey I got an idea, why don't you just call 1-800-GOT-JUNK!

In the words of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young....Teach Your Children Well.

by: kaypasa

Thank you, Leasa. Mr. Man obviously only sees what pleases him. I was astonished by the callous way this person wanted to remove her parents from her home because it was now inconvenient - oh, and irritating.

Like you, my first post expressed the fact that she should first pay them back for the money they invested in the house and the free babysitting. I still believe that.

We all have lives that we want to live. Some of us realize, however, that responsibility comes first. Geez, people! Where are your consciences?

Read then Reply
by: Leasa

With all due respect, Mr. Man and those who did not like my comment and other comments please be aware that I am referring to what was actually written by this person.

Her parents are 'starting to show' some forgetfulness, but as of her writing are NOT requiring care.

If you read her letter, she simply wants them booted from the home as she no longer needs them and her now teenage daughter does not want supervision while mom still works.

Her parents gave her money to remake her house adding to the value. Her parents gave her free babysitting allowing her to work and know her kids are being looked after.

The woman complains because her dad might say 'you should take an orange to work' (meaning I care about you), or her mom might say hello when she notices her there.

I would say, if she pays her parents back for the added equity and for all the free babysitting and for whatever else they invested, then sure, kick them out on the street now that they are no longer 'useful'. At least they'll have the money to start over.

I'm a big believer that you don't owe your parents for raising you, but you can't suck and blow at the same time! You can't bleed them dry, make your home their home and then toss them when they 'annoy' you.

Read her letter again. Her parents WERE THERE FOR HER.

My View
by: A Man

Ignore the last 2 comments since they were sent to by self righteous people.

I'm shortly going to be 66 and my 95 year old judgmental, uneducated, fearful mother whose mind is going which she refuses to accept is living at our home.

It's a real pain and since she will probably live forever my wife and I have decided to get her out of our home in 3 years when my wife retires.

Yes I feel guilty and I love my mother and dislike her at the same time but life is short (except in my mothers case) and my wife and I have a life.

If the other 2 self righteous people can't understand this then.....

Do not feel bad for asking them to leave anytime you want. You have a life.

It's Okay
by: Anonymous

Those posters who were so mean spirited must not have a grasp of how extremely difficult it is to care for a dementia patient. It is not simply a matter of an aging parent.

My mother is end stage 4 - stage 5 vascular dementia - very much like Alzheimer's - just a different timeline.

I do not feel guilt. And neither should you. I am not medically, emotionally, physically, or financially able to care for mom 24/7. I cannot and will not have my mother here with us. I am burning out.

I have taken care of my severely manic depressive son since birth(he is 27), and I cannot do it again. My mother is a difficult person anyway, add to that the dementia - NO!

I love her very much, but I don't like her. We would never have been friends if we were to meet. I am her main caregiver, and I don't resent a second of it. She is at the point where she needs more supervision - she should not be living alone.

I don't have any suggestions for you at all, but please know that I will send positive, supportive thoughts your way. Starting the dialogue will not be easy, but it is a conversation you must have.

Resentment and anger will build up and your relationship will suffer. I know you love them very much, and don't want to hurt them. But don't feel guilty! Some people are able to care for elderly parents in their homes, some are not.

Parents say We do not Need Help when I Offer in Home Care
by: Anonymous

Two 90 year old parents still living in their home 45 minutes away from hospital, doctors, etc.

They say "we do not need help from strangers"

Sound familiar?

Dad still drives although going blind and mom claims he is a good driver. I live minutes from everything but I have to drive 200 miles round trip just to get haircuts, doctor appointments, and to the hospital.

Mom is on oxygen now so have to pick up and drag with us because portable oxygen does not last long enough. Tried to get them to prepare and move closer to everything but refused last five years. Now too late.

Feel as though been thrown into sea of insanity and have started preparing to live or die for myself. Visited nice assisted living for me. Have everything in place including my burial if only others would face reality and prepare.

My two children will have so much easier time with me. My parents have outlived everyone including some if their own children NOT SUPPOSED to be this way.

How can I move my parents out of my house
by: Anonymous

I can totally relate to your daughters. My grandmother came to live with us when my grandfather died.

She was helping my mom take care of 3 children while my mom worked. None of us 3 have good memories of grandma. She nagged, bossed, ran my mom around came between my mom and dad and lived with us for over 20 years.

I am now a grandmother and would never live with my children. I bend over backward to give them their space. I am not perfect and I am sure I annoy them now and again. :) but it is hard to have your parents in your house.

I don't know the answer but please know I feel for you. It is hard when your parents don't understand that you are an adult. I would thank them for everything they did for you with deep feeling and affection and talk with them about different living arrangements.

This time is precious
by: Anonymous

I have had my Mom living with us, for over 3 years now...she has Lewy Body Dementia. You can look it up, if you are not familiar with it. It is a sad disease.

It is hard to look after her 24/7 but I do. I had my Father earlier this year, after he checked himself out of a Nursing Rehab following a stay in the hospital.

Long story short: my Dad chose to stay on our sofa, which is right outside of the Master bedroom. Took a lot of patience. It was not easy. But, he is now back home. Mom cannot live with him. He is an alcoholic. She was under 100 lbs when she came to live with us. She is now a healthy weight and I take her to a Neurologist as well as her other appointments.

I have gained stress weight. It is hard. However, I have reached the place where I realize they are not going to be around forever. I will never regret helping them.

As a matter of fact,I will miss them. I feel like they need us when they reach this age...and please just find ways to have your alone time and love them. If you are not already reading the Bible daily, try to start reading the Psalms and book of John to start with.

It will do wonders for you. Pray a lot. Give your stress to God. Ask Him to help you. He will. HE did me. It's normal to feel a bit stressed and for them to get on your nerves occasionally, but then didn't we do the same as we were growing up. They love you. Don't abandon them now. This too shall pass....

by: kaypasa

Well, I guess if you and your daughter can't stand having dad suggesting an orange for lunch or your mom saying hello every time she sees you, you could offer to pay them back for the money they spent "making your home their home" and reimburse them for the free babysitting.

That would perhaps give them enough to move to an assisted living facility, which, by the way, is not inexpensive. Good luck to you. And remember, your children learn how to treat you from the way they see you treat your parents.

The 'good' daughter?
by: Leasa

Wow. So having your parents all those years enabled you to continue to work and you knew your daughters were safe. Now that they no longer need babysitting, you want to boot them to the curb for asking if you would like an orange? Or saying 'hello' when you come in the kitchen?

At your request, they made your home their home and let's face it, they did save you a small fortune in babysitting and peace of mind. They also contributed to the rent of your home, increasing your home's value.

Your daughter that asks when they will move out sounds like a spoiled brat. All those years with grandma and grandpa and she also wants them to hit the road?

Do you really want teenage girls at home alone while you are out at work? Don't you think maybe there might be a reason your daughter wants them booted?

Usually I support people here who have selfish and uncaring parents. Boy, you sure surprised me.

I could see if they needed care and were demanding and rude. But I don't think that is the case. You could take this opportunity to show your girls kindness and a real sense of family inclusion and respect.

Your parents should be respected just for being there when their mom couldn't.

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