He's killing Mom

by Kate
(Crown Point, IN)

Dad (my step Dad) will be 98 in December! He's always been very sharp and "the boss." He said we will NEVER put him in a nursing home and that he wants to be home until he dies.

We've tried it at home and it is impossible. He requires 24 hour care, and is very deaf and almost blind now. He has been in and out of the hospital and is currently in Skilled Care. We will soon require transfer to a Nursing Home. He still is relatively sharp, but has been Hell on wheels.

Mother is 84 and very ill with a heart condition. He continually yells at her and has now told her he no longer loves her after 50 years of marriage.

He has reached his daughter in another state and has arranged for her to come and get him to live in Florida. We're in Indiana. If he leaves, he will kill my Mom. There doesn't seem to be anything we can do to stop him. I cried myself to sleep last night and Mom is completely broken.

Do we let him leave to give Mom some peace??? Or do we fight to keep him here, knowing we only have his anger and bitterness. HELP!!

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Let Him Go!
by: Anonymous

As hard as it may be, let his daughter take him. You may be surprised how well your mother adjusts--all of you will be healthier and more at peace when all is said and done.

If his daughter does not follow through, tell her you will no longer be able to care for him, and take him to her. Your mother is your priority; you owe nothing to this man, particularly since he is so very difficult.

Don't beat yourself up about it any longer - just do it and go forward with caring for your Mom!

Good Riddance
by: Anonymous

Did you say that your mother is very ill with a heart condition and that your STEP father actually yells at her? Here's my advice, try as hard as you can not to be too terribly gleeful when this curmudgeon's daughter comes to take him off your hands and rejoice in the fact that your mother will have some peace and independence without this miserable barnacle draining the life out of her.

She'll still be married to the old b*st*rd, so she will have all the rights and benefits thereof (if he's got any money), but she won't have the hassle. Who knows? Maybe she will start to feel better, especially if he's been a domineering jackass all these years.

And, you can actually enjoy your mother without having to deal with him being around to make everyone uncomfortable. Just hope and pray that neither he nor his daughter changes their mind.

How awfull!!
by: Anonymous

You seem to be in a no win situation and it must be so hard for you. However, will your mum be happy, knowing that this man wants to be elsewhere? If he stays, will you cope, will you be taking care of him?

Broken hearts have a way of mending, whether we are 19 or 91, if he's not helping, and not a kind person, why not let him go? or does he make life easier in some way?

Sometimes, the elderly cling to things because they feel they should, or because they believe it's the right thing to do, and they can be very fixed on what they believe they should do. Would your mum be worse off without him? Would you need to do more for her and are you prepared to fill the gap he will leave in her life???

I'd say let his daughter take him.....but I'm pretty sure it's not that simple... I wish you luck and hope that you can find a way through this that lets you all feel OK!

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