Here's What Happened Today

Mom has macular degeneration. She's been under treatment for 10 years. Eye injections every six weeks. Last month she had a stroke in her occipital lobe which pretty much took the last of her vision in her only good eye.


She can see foggy, patchy movement and some dark and light shadows and shapes and some colors and she can feel her way around the house and around the backyard. Can't really see the TV anymore but she sits in front of it anyway and listens.

Since then I've learned that 1) people with macular degeneration are prone to have strokes and 2) the eye injection therapy can contribute to strokes and 3) once they have the first stroke further eye injections can lead to more strokes.

In two months she goes back to the eye doctor and the decision is to be made whether to have further treatment for the eye to save the very little vision she has left which makes her life doable as far as bathing and feeding and dressing herself and getting around the house and doing the very little left that she can do and see.

But there's the risk factor of future strokes. Or do we let the eye deteriorate until her abilities are lessened even more.

I could go into a rant about how little information the doctor offered us in terms of making such a huge decision. How he forgot she had even had the stroke until I reminded him even though he saw her last month.

How I watched him now write these notes in her chart as though this was the first time going in. How he reminded us how devastating it would be for her to completely lose her vision without even considering how even more devastating it would be for her to be in a bed unable to walk or talk.

I could rant about telling my brother all about it on the phone and his reply was a noncommittal oh wow. Then he said he had to go because he was pulling into his driveway and had things to unload.

I could rant about once again having to make these decisions on my own, and doing this on my own, and living my moms life instead of mine and wondering how long is this going to go on and how bad is this going to get before its all over.

But I can't run from it.

I can't eat my way out of it. I have to stay in it. I have to stay on top of it. This is what I'm doing. And this is happening now. I can't let the rants eat me up inside. I have no answer today for the decision to be made two months from now. So I guess I'll just pray on it because sometimes that seems to be all I have left.

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