by 1961 Yes
I am so messed up. Mom is in a nursing home. She's not good. She just kept falling and falling and falling. Long story but it should have, could have been stopped if the home would have pulled their heads out. Mom is not good mentally, and she can't walk. When she could she just kept falling and breaking bones. But Mom is really tough. I think she will live to be well over 100. She's 94 now.
I do almost nothing but work and take care of paperwork revolved around Mom along with all the other things like visiting her on days off. (There is literally no time on work days. Long days and a five hour a day round trip commute.)
She lived with me for eight years, and now I feel totally guilty that I am no longer taking care of her. I work and am at least a decade from retiring. It's just me so no help from anyone.
I don't think she should still be alive. She's miserable and says she feels like she's in prison. She said she wanted assisted suicide a couple of months back, but it's necessary for the person that wants it to say so to a number of people.
When I would tell her that she would just clam up. All other times she told EVERYONE she wanted to die. Well now she can't ask for assisted suicide because she's too messed up mentally.
So now, in my opinion, she's just being warehoused. I hate to see her now. We have nothing to talk about as she is not good mentally any longer. She always looks very disappointed when I leave, and to be honest, I really don't want to spend a portion of every day off at the rest home. It was different when we could talk. But for now at least, that ability is gone.
I feel guilty if I don't go to see her. Me not going each day off just started. I feel guilty when I go. I feel guilty for not staying long enough. I also feel like, well, selfish. I want my free time back.
I hate this so much, and I think the chances are good she will be alive for many, many more years.
I'm sort of mad that she won't just let go. Why is she so stubborn? What is she holding on to? She's not going to get better.
Also, I'm no longer married. No kids. I haven't dated in a while and really would just assume not as I can't seem to tell the difference between sex and love. I have no one to help me and sort of no one to talk to. I don't know, do I just want someone to tell me I'm not a monster? Would I believe them if they did?
This sucks. Big Time.