Help My 90 Year Old Mother is Killing Me!

by Diane
(Drexel Hill, PA. US)

It was 4 1/2 years ago my mother was in debt and she decided it would be best to move in. I have a sister living 5 minutes away sbd never calls nor helps.


My mother is an only child and aleays had gotten her way. My husband has been unemployed from his IT job for 10 years but has worked any job he can presently at a local convience store.

I had my own in home day care for 21 years but had to skip a year ago because of my mothers tantrums if she wasn't in the lime light.

I work part time at night in a mall because she still drives and its very difficult being able to use her car. My husband and I have no time together because she'll start an argument.

We dont go out socially nor does anyone come over. She has full control of our living space and tv. I teach my grandchildren during the day and they arent permitted in the livingroom and she's extremely jealous of my 6 year old grandaughter because we are so close.

She stays up very late at night and wants things done like bills paid or making her sonething to eat. She argues about everything and it has resulted to my husband sitting in the basement and me in my room.

This is my house and I have to ask permissuon for anything I do. We ask for no money and everyrhing is done for her. The only thing I can't do is make her dinner because most night my husbabd and working.
I'm so stressed out that I'm sick every day besides being very depressed. We have no medical benifits so we cant even get medicated.

People believe I should just set her straight but nobidy knows the consequence I would pay. Please can anyone help me!!!!!

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Knock the ole Gal Out!!!
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to anyone who is in this boat.....dealing with a mom whose become your worst enemy.

Age has stolen all of my moms good traits and sharpened the bad ones so as to turn her into the worlds meanest little kid....shes been in 4 nursing homes and had to leave them cause she was such a stinker!!!!

She lives next door to me and my sister now and we share duties between us, but mom is such a handful we could use another 4 people.

She has some dementia but is so smart and still so high functioning that she fights tooth and claw over every little detail and complains about everything{latest complaint the pineapple slice I made for her ham wasn't evenly browned on both sides...she wanted me to do it all over again until " I get it right, for once".

Well, I found the cure for this. Seraquel!!!! 300 mgs in the morning knocks her boots off and she sleeps til like 3:30. By then Ive done my errands, housework, made dinner and have my act together, and when she wakes up I offer to to take her to the store or out for a walk...she's usually too tired, and happy just to stare at the TV until dinner.

I don't do this everyday, just the days when I can see she has woken up in a rotten mood and wants to treat me like garbage. And no, I don't feel guilty, shes held the family hostage for 8 years and enough is enough.

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We Are Doing The Best We Can
by: Anonymous

Everytime I come to this website and read these entries I'm amazed at how we all just keep stumbling along, trying so hard to please our parents. If they only knew!!!

The advice is correct, we have to draw lines in the sand, somewhere, for our sanity. If we were dealing with rational people, we could actually sit down and discuss these things, be understood and work out compromises.

But rationality is no longer an option. All the nuances of these relationships happen in a vacuum. Its them and us and no one else. Most times I don't even bother trying to complain to friends because the story is so convoluted that I'm exhausted in the retelling of it.

So much is just swept under the rug. It's all inside me. I accept it, process it and just move forward to the next day when all the craziness is going to happen again, or God forbid, something new arises.

You, who went to all that therapy, it seems like good advice. Thanks for passing it along. Once again, it helps to know that this is real, many of us are going through it daily, and I'm not the crazy one or a selfish ogre.

I just pray for guidance and patience each day and try to understand my mom's struggles as she ages. I try to put myself in her shoes and then comes the compassion. Her world is slowly shutting down and she is only trying to grab the last grasps of life.

I will probably be trying to do the same when I'm her age. We don't ever stop living until we die. Today I will try to give her a smile, a laugh, something to do, something to enjoy, something to live for.

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You have the power
by: Anonymous

Well, it sounds like your mother has you and your family under her control, and that's exactly where she wants you.

Unfortunately, you have allowed that to happen, because you have given her permission to treat you in the way she has. It has to stop, and it's up to you. She will not change, you have to.

I suggest, you get some support, either family, group support help, or mental therapy help to help you make a change in how you react to this abuse, and to have some empathy for your own self.

You have to make a plan to turn things around and stick with it. Been there done that. May God help you and give you the strength to set boundaries with your mother, for you sanity and the for the health of your family's relationship.

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Boundaries Needed
by: I understand

Hi. My mother is 92, thank God she doesn't live with me: she has her own apt and I have mine. She is proud, egotistical, and verbally abusive.

Other times she is ok, but always trying to control, dominate, have everything her way, and she constantly berates me. I am her sole caregiver: the other siblings either cannot or do not care. The result of this? My health problems.

Finally I HAD to set boundaries and take care of myself. Yes, it is horribly hard. She has tantrums and it's like walking through a guillotine! But I have to do it: constantly.

I am going to a psychotherapist, and three doctors to handle my stress related responses to her.

Why are you letting her "kill" you? That's the big question that I am struggling with too. How about standing up for yourself without losing your temper? How about saying one or two words and carry on with your life, and intent.

Don't get enmeshed in a defensive yelling match. That's what happens, I know. But a few times I have set her straight with a few firm words.

This is what the valuable lesson is here. Pray for her in private, and stand strong when with her. Try to see the little love that is left in yourself. I pray for you too.

Ask God to guide you. If you lose your temper, try again to regain it next time. Plenty of times to practice patience!

New therapy. I am borrowing a baseball bat to beat a pillow with. Very interesting for me to try. I am learning to meet my own anger and will be writing a journal on it.

Read different books on anger management, boundary setting and so on. Anyone out there have any suggestions?

You have a portable paradise within you that NO ONE can destroy. Only be with it. Remember you are a child of God: wired with peace, love, and joy. Yes you can feel that. Take the time to feel it. What gets you there? A walk by yourself? time with your hubby.

Make that time and let your mother have a tantrum. Like a child she may wear herself out. She can't live forever either, heh, heh.
Let go of her a little bit, emotionally. You have to.
Love to all of you.

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