Headed toward the Wall

by Sobeit
(California)

I'm the oldest daughter, widowed at 45. So I became the obvious and willing choice to care for aging parents.


Dad was diagnosed with cancer seven years later and I uprooted from across the country and spent most of the next three years caring for his needs. When he died I continued as the Live in caregiver and manager for my mother who has dementia. Now it's three more years later and she is but a shell of the person who loved me.

I have multiple relatives in town and initially felt supported in my efforts to care for her.

But now she needs constant direction to bath and dress and toilet so the help is coming farther and fewer in between. And when I ask for help I'm made to feel it's an imposition that we should just pay someone else to do.

Tonight, I'm in tears and so ticked off that I could just spit bricks. 24/7 I care for their mother too and while they have spouses and grown children to entertain and talk to, I'm alone at home with a mom that doesn't even respond to a quarter of the things I say to her.

And my grown children see me when I can work mom into someone else's schedule for a limited time. Resentment? Absolutely!!! And I feel justified because each and everyone of them has the same 24 hours in a day that I have.

Outside support? Sure if you have the money to pay for it. And that's what it takes to get help, money that she really can't afford to pay out regardless of the fact that she is not destitute.

Paying for the help we both need will make her so. Ridiculous... when family should step up and be present in her life. She was for them.

Comments for Headed toward the Wall

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thank you
by: Sobeit

I appreciate your comments. And so sadly you are right. My sis was incensed that I even feel she could be more supportive. Oh well, it is what it is. Add to my stress strained relations with my sis

Rating
starstarstarstarstar
BTDT
by: Anonymous

I am speaking from personal experience here. Sadly, no matter how you much "beg", if your siblings are not willing to help, they will not.

They will come up with all sorts of excuses why they cannot. I do have to tell you that they are taking advantage of YOU, because you were the "logical" choice. (((HUGS)))

My mother is more than 1/2 way through vascular dementia, still at home alone. I was going everyday Monday - Friday and sometimes on the weekend, while my sisters did nothing(one came for a minute on the weekend to make her food), and my brother a couple of evenings a week.

They think Mom is just fine living by herself. NO she is not! I now go only two days a week and my brother every evening.

I begged for more help, but all I got was hate and vitriol from them. They were mightily upset when I told them Mom was not coming to live with me!

I have my disabled, bipolar adult son to care for as well and he is not doing well at all right now. I had to step back. I told them that if they did not help more that they would have to do it all.

So, we now have paid helpers coming in 3 days a week. But this is not working out so well. My mom needs to be in a facility where she can be looked after 24/7.

I would suggest requesting her doctor to have a family conference at his office. Three months ago, ours made a point to say that it is not fair, it is not easy, it is not healthy, for one person to have this responsibility.

All of us have to help. He also made a point to say that sometimes we have to do what's needed for our aging parent, rather than what her and our wants are. Because we have help coming in, he said okay to her being at home, but he was prepared to say she needs a facility.

He will reevaluate the situation at her next appointment in a couple of weeks. The doctor may also be able to steer you toward affordable help.

I don't feel guilty or heartless for wanting my Mom in a home because that is what she really needs. I cannot, and my siblings are not willing to do the job.

Her safety and well being have to come before our or her feelings. Dementia is not like normal aging. So many of us are not emotionally, physically, or financially able to care for our parents at home.

I wish you luck in your journey. I hope you can find a way to get at least one sibling involved more often. 50% or better of caregivers have depression and anxiety related illnesses.

Yes, your Mom was there for you, but, being caregiver to a parent is tough. And if you are not healthy, you can't be of help to her anyway.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Elder Care Anger and Resentment.


Home | Site Map | About | Contact | Privacy Policy | Disclosure

© Copyright evSky Incorporated 2008-2017 | All Rights Reserved


Eldercare for

Aging Parents

Are you having a difficult time with being the "Caregiver" for Mom and Dad?

Click Here to Read What Others are Saying and Leave a Comment About Your Own Experiences....

Or Start your Own Discussion Page!

Recent Articles

  1. 70 year old caregiver left nothing in will

    Aug 15, 17 09:21 AM

    As a professional nurse,and new daughter-in-law at age 55, I thought inviting my new husband's mother to live with us would be a blessing. He was a widower

    Read More

  2. So Many Same Story?

    Aug 14, 17 09:51 AM

    For the past year or so my mom who is 83 has been showing the early stages of dementia, forgetting simple dates names etc,,, it has slowly progressed but

    Read More

  3. Stressed Out

    Aug 14, 17 09:42 AM

    I receive several phone calls a day from my mother complaining about my dad, and the fact she feels I do not do enough for her. I am exhausted, depressed.

    Read More