Guilty from Resentment

by Rhonda
(PA)

I quit my full time job to care for my terminally ill mom, and for me it was an easy decision because I wanted to. We couldn't afford to be without my earnings so dad paid me. This was win/win. Mom stayed with us, so I was here constantly, we all preferred my care over a strangers, and honestly outside care was expensive.

After mom passed I began the job search. During this time I also had a few months of herniated disc trauma(don't get into that). Fast forward 16 months later. Since her passing, I have been emotionally responsible for my dad.

I keep his house clean, was made POA and handle bills and finances, and make certain he has home cooked meals daily. We want him to move in with us, but understand he wants to be in his own home.

My job search surprisingly has produced nothing! I am still using dads money to help with bills, but we Never discussed this. I feel like I steal from him?

I resent not being able to plan my days without his well being put ahead of my own, although this is my doing, because I can't see him so sad, so he's my buddy and I like getting him out of the house.

The meals I cook for us is all about what he can or cannot have. I know God has me "unemployed" for a reason (my dear dad) but how do I deal with guilt from resentment and using his money? P.S I also resent older sis who lives out of state and has always had her own life

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Reply to new friend
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing with me💖 It's so comforting to know we are not alone. After my mother passed, dad wanted to change their will. There were bad feelings toward my sister, so everything was left to me. I am his power of attorney and decision maker.

I always feel that if he needed, I would have him live with us and I would care for him like I did my mom. I would also use his money to get help with his care, after all it's his money.

I would much rather not have him in a home. I am 52 now, and should have many more years to work. Sadly, there really is age discrimination, and I won't get younger... Please get to lawyer while your mom is lucid so nothing will be contested. Sad that we put our lives on hold. God bless you for all you do☺

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me too
by: Anonymous

I am doing the same thing, but this was set up with my mom before her dementia got bad and she was in agreement with this. When she moved in with me I was only 62 and still working full time. She was at a stage she could no longer live alone so she either had to go to a home or live with me.

I told her because I'm giving up three years to full retirement I am losing money the rest of my life that I would get until I worked to 65. I am also having to make Cobra insurance payments which are huge. I also lose the 401 contribution from my employer, so doing this she is the winner and I am the loser not having income anymore.

I did not trust "her word" about this as forgetting it happened to a friend of mine and that poor gal wound up with nothing. She put me as co-owner on all of her accounts which means I can write checks without her permission, on her savings, etc.

She agreed that a nursing home would be well over 6,000 per month so this was a bargain to her. Monthly I withdraw what I would have been making at my job, my Cobra payment amount, the 401 contribution my employer would have made and put that into my private account. I pay my bills with this - mortgage, etc.

I should have gone to an attorney to do this because I am on thin ice now, but didn't realize it at the time. I fully intend on keeping her until she passes, but in the meantime if something happened to her that I COULDN'T care for her anymore (broken back, inability to swallow, etc. things that are over my head or over my strength) and she had to go somewhere else, I would now be in trouble without a legal contract with her. This was a big mistake on my part.

Nursing homes or assisted living will go back quite a few years to see where her money has gone because they will get it all until it's gone and then the government kicks in.

I could explain our arrangement, but I could also be charged with theft from the elderly. I fully intend to go to an attorney and explain what has happened so it's on record somewhere I did NOT know this. It might be this is not something we can even do.

There certainly should be compensation if you've quit your job, but find out if it's allowed. I didn't and I was not wise to do that. If you're just writing checks out of his account, you will only be in trouble if his assets need to be attached to nursing home care.

Or, if you have the sibling who knows what you are doing or finds out, they may be angry about "their inheritance" being used and turn you in. You'd be surprised how vicious family becomes when it comes to money.

If social services is called in for any reason (like after a fall or a hospital stay, they do that) they will ask many questions about his finances and if this is revealed to them, they would consider it elder financial abuse.

I made a lot of mistakes with this - protect yourself better than I did. I might consider this fair, but that doesn't mean the government does!

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