Guilty all the Time and Worse Now
For over 20 years I lived and cared for my developmentally delayed brother who was also schizophrenic. Sometimes I wonder if he even knew how loved he was by me because I became so obsessed with giving him a good life I lost mine. Constantly, my sisters would say to me "I don't know how you put up with that guy"? and I would be furious with them for thinking of him that way when he could not help being who he was.
If I would hint that I could do with a break it was always met with the old "oh, you will be fine" and then nothing.
As we got older I sometimes became short with my brother because it was getting harder and harder for me to cope with him as he was very obstinate and did not want me even leaving the house to pick up groceries even when I invited him along.
My brother passed at home quickly this week and I really do not know how I am going to cope as my whole identity for over 30 years was looking after him and I keep rehashing some of the unkind words I took out on him when I became exasperated at times. I hope he knows I loved him and did the best I could.
I miss you Frankie boy. I don't know why God made your life such a challenge for you but I hope he has wrapped you in your arms and no one can laugh at you or ignore your ramblings like on earth.