Guiltridden and Resentful
Let me start by saying I love my mother.....that being said, I am beginning to resent her. I never get to spend any time with my daughter anymore because I have to be with my mother.
If I am 15 minutes late in calling her ( she knows when I get off work). She asks where I've been...she actually answers the phone with that line not even a hello first.
Now she is 96 , still lives alone because she won't stay with me, has some health issues but from what I see still has her mind. She has never been a social person, never really had any friends she spent time with so she does not want assisted living, day care etc. but I feel horribly guilty if I don't spend almost every evening with her.
Lately she doesn't want to go out to even eat but then she complains that she can't sleep at night. She refuses sleeping medicine, Melatonin, anxiety medications, all of which have been approved her doctor. She won't allow anyone else in her home to help her.
She won't even accept lifeline so if for some reason she doesn't answer the phone (yes, I call her before I go to bed every night even if I just left her house 30 minutes prior) I have to go over to her house to make sure she is okay.
I have been working 7 days a week for about a year now and I am so tired. I have been trying to find a way to quit my part time job but God forgive me, I think I would just have to spend more time with her so I might as well work and at least make money.
I am really having a hard time.... She has GI issues lately but they are worse if I don't call her right away or for example this weekend my brother will not be calling her every night because he is going out of town...lo and behold she's been sick all day(my brother doesn't live around us and only visits twice a year).
I find myself being really irritable with her and then I feel bad cause she pulls the "old people are just in the way" line. I can't go on vacation, can't move out of the city I no longer feel safe in, can't even change jobs because she may need me right away at any time and right now I work in the town we live in.
Some days I feel like by the time something happens to her I will be so spent I will be in a nursing home myself. I know I sound like a bad daughter. I need help.