Guiltridden and Resentful

by Anonymous

Let me start by saying I love my mother.....that being said, I am beginning to resent her. I never get to spend any time with my daughter anymore because I have to be with my mother.

If I am 15 minutes late in calling her ( she knows when I get off work). She asks where I've been...she actually answers the phone with that line not even a hello first.

Now she is 96 , still lives alone because she won't stay with me, has some health issues but from what I see still has her mind. She has never been a social person, never really had any friends she spent time with so she does not want assisted living, day care etc. but I feel horribly guilty if I don't spend almost every evening with her.

Lately she doesn't want to go out to even eat but then she complains that she can't sleep at night. She refuses sleeping medicine, Melatonin, anxiety medications, all of which have been approved her doctor. She won't allow anyone else in her home to help her.

She won't even accept lifeline so if for some reason she doesn't answer the phone (yes, I call her before I go to bed every night even if I just left her house 30 minutes prior) I have to go over to her house to make sure she is okay.

I have been working 7 days a week for about a year now and I am so tired. I have been trying to find a way to quit my part time job but God forgive me, I think I would just have to spend more time with her so I might as well work and at least make money.

I am really having a hard time.... She has GI issues lately but they are worse if I don't call her right away or for example this weekend my brother will not be calling her every night because he is going out of town...lo and behold she's been sick all day(my brother doesn't live around us and only visits twice a year).

I find myself being really irritable with her and then I feel bad cause she pulls the "old people are just in the way" line. I can't go on vacation, can't move out of the city I no longer feel safe in, can't even change jobs because she may need me right away at any time and right now I work in the town we live in.

Some days I feel like by the time something happens to her I will be so spent I will be in a nursing home myself. I know I sound like a bad daughter. I need help.

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God Understands
by: Anonymous

Quit your part time job and DON'T tell your mom. God WILL forgive you. Your mom doesn't have to own you. Our guilt can eat us up alive.

Read your entry over and over until you can read it like we are out here in cyberspace. You are doing enough. Take care of you and your daughter or you will go under the bus.

It's called balance, fairness, equality, compromise, pick a word that resonates with you and apply it to your life with mom. Mom is incapable of doing it, don't depend on her for help in this area.

They only know cling at this stage of their life. It's up to you to learn how to do it justly within yourself.

Take the Time for Yourself
by: Anonymous

My mom is 95 and I live with her full time but I also have a place I can go for time off from her, and I go whenever I can.

I load up her fridge with cooked food, lay out the pills, put the movie channel on, and push her chair right up to the TV. I'm only 20 miles away, and I call her every morning and night, but even then she gives me the "Oh, are you leaving me, I'm going to miss you, when are you coming back, it's so nice to have someone in the house" speech every time I go. BUT I GO!

You absolutely have to brush off those tentacles and that spider web because if you give them every waking moment you will come to hate them and yourself.

Try To Save Part of Yourself
by: Anonymous

A lot of what you've got here sounds familiar to me. A mother who wants only *your* help, has no social contacts, has your schedule figured out to an eyelash, the wait-till-you-get-old speech, etc., etc.

It's true everyone's situation is different, but by spending every evening with your mom, I think you've established a dangerous precedent.

I love my mother but she's tried to spin a web around the two of us that will enclose us in a kind of death embrace, making my escape impossible.

I will NOT let that happen, and I'm asking you not to either. You'll only get pulled in deeper and deeper. I've also managed to slide out of the guilt that was gripping me. Sure, it still makes a grab for me now and then, but it's better than it was.

You've already sacrificed enough (too much). Take a half-step back. Learn to say no once in a while. Please. I'm asking this for your own sake.

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