Guilt.

by Javaearth
(Utah)

Hi, 

I was raised by my grand parents. Mainly my granny, as my grand father died when I was 12. My parents are still away. Both parents were irresponsible and hence my grandmother raised me. She also has 6 kids of her own: three live in California - the state she lives in now-  three live aboard. 

Growing up - in England - with my grand parents, all I saw was old! Sick people that went to the hospital many times and relied on me to take them, or help them or stay the night with them or translate for them - they did not speak English. In the mean time, their own kids were not there for them. As a teen, I was more like going on to forty! I had no social skills, but I knew how to talk to social workers, doctors, nurses, and anyone else I had to get to help for my grand parents.

At 19, I moved out than came to the US, in the hopes to be with family! My granny soon followed. For the last 10 years she has stayed 60 % with one aunt, - grannies daughter. But the aunt is very abusive, for the last ten years she has taken my grannies money, has verbally abused non stop and recently started to physically abuse her. 

For the last month my granny is currently in a skilled nursing home. I live in Utah, and went to visit her. The place is not ideal, but the CNA are nice to her. They help her with everything... Going to the bathroom, daily showers, food, medications, getting dressed, everything. This was the only affordable place, as granny has no money. But my granny hates it there.

She keeps asking me, to come and stay with me for a few months each year. I told her, I am not able to care for her needs, mentally - so much drama from aunts and uncle - which I don't want in my life. Plus, my granny has depression, made worse by family drama. My granny is wheelchair bound and my house is not set up for that living style.

So, my aunts are angry at me for not taking care of my granny, because according to them granny raised me and it's my turn to keep her. In the past my granny has stayed with me for 3 months on average, every two years. 

But now, I am trying to start my own family, I am 35 and desperately want to have my own child. My aunts and uncles are in their late 50's. Most are single, one is married with children. 

Over the last month, my granny keeps asking so many times for me to take care of her, even though I explained that I am really sorry but I can't. I do not have the strength to deal with the family drama nor her very poor health. But my granny just keeps making me feel guilty. She is 82, in a wheelchair, needs full assistance, only little  visibly in one eye. Her own sons and daughters do not want the responsibility, except one, that is pocketing the money. 

I do love my granny, but I just don't have the strengthen to deal with so much stress. I had to endure it as a child, but as an adult, I am refusing to deal with this craziness. I should be having my own child, not consuming myself with so much melodrama, from people that are hurtful, mean, angry, resentful and viscous. 

Of course, I will feel guilty when my granny dies, but I would rather deal with that pain than be under so much stress. 

My aunts and uncles never stepped up, nor took responsibility for my grandfather, when he was sick. But they expect me to take care of their mother, my grand mother, because they don't want to! 

I feel that if I do not do as the family wants, my granny will go back to the abusive aunt. They all play games with my grannies head, and the abusive one wants the money, so she promises my aunty so much, but after a few weeks the abuse starts again and granny is on the phone crying to me. I tried to call the social workers and police, but granny won't say anything to them, for the fear for my aunt either getting more abusive or going to jail.

Recently, my grand mother has stopped talking to me, said " why should she have a relationship with you if you are not going to have me for a 3 to 4 months each year."

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